Nine months ago, I remember laying in my warm bed with the sun streaming through the edges of my curtains that failed to meet the beige-painted walls. I remained in my soft, clean sheets with that “home” smell for longer than I expected. It was the last time I recall having pure silence that wasn’t interrupted by six girls, tweeting birds, or screaming children. I closed my eyes, trying to not forget the smells, the sounds, and the feelings of home. Surrounded by my comforts one last time, I prayed, “Lord, give me a deeper dependence on You and a greater appreciation for Your people.” Little did I know how much my Father would radically answer that prayer.
Today, as the Ethiopian floodgates attempted to penetrate the tin roof, I lay in my musty, bed-bug infested sheets that haven’t been changed for a couple months. As I reminisce on that prayer I prayed nine months ago, the Lord’s plan towards answering it was anything but what I expected.
I expected miracles. I expected to be wiser and more confident with my words. I expected to be more healed from shame and guilt. I expected to tangibly feel the Holy Spirit. I expected to have more joy than confusion and sadness. I expected to have all these incredible stories where God moved mountains. I expected to evangelize and see saved souls. I expected to end the race with satisfaction of where I was at spiritually, mentally, and let’s be real, physically. Maybe this is the experience you all expected me to have also. Well, the truth is, as I intentionally sought the Lord, the enemy pursued me more than ever before. The battle between my flesh and Spirit intensified and my heart began to feel the attacks. Similar to swimming towards the bottom of a pool, the deeper I pursued the Lord without having swimmies filled with first-world distractions, the more pressure and resistance I felt. Romans 7:21 further explains this struggle by saying, “So I find this law at work. Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.”
So, do I regret my decision to sacrifice 9 months of my life to the Lord? Do I allow my expectations versus reality cloud my judgement? By no means! The Lord may not have done the great things I expected Him to do… HE DID EVEN GREATER. He moved mountains I didn’t even know were there. He pruned thoughts I didn’t even know I had. He taught me far more than I could have ever asked or imagined in His perfect way! Praise God!
Through the battle waging war between my flesh and Spirit, the Lord taught me faith. Traveling the world for the Kingdom isn’t all smooth sailing. Satan attempted to destroy my trust in the Lord’s faithfulness and sovereignty time and time again. Some days my Spirit was willing, but my flesh was weak. It was on those days when I needed to bring my feelings to the Lord and ask Him to reveal and ingrain His thoughts and truths deeper into my heart and soul. It wasn’t easy, and to be real, there were countless days when I chose the distraction of comforts rather than choosing Jesus. But praise God the Father pursues me even when I fail to pursue Him! I’ve learned to passionately trust in the Lord, despite the seemingly never-ending stabs Satan takes at my faith. Most days my faith was as small as a mustard seed, but with the Holy Spirit at my side I had the armor to conquer any lie and tactic that came my way.
Through the attacks from the enemy toward my identity, the Lord taught me hope. Hope is often easily overlooked. At first glance inward, I immediately think of hope in this world. Hope for a good day, for the Lord to work miracles, for a successful ministry, for a spouse, etc. These are all reasonable things, but they’re not what hope truly is. 2 Corinthians 4:18 speaks of putting our hope in the unseen which reaps eternal blessings. “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” I’ve learned that what is unseen is in the next life, and the Holy Spirit is a deposit of what is to come – not in this life but in the next. Throughout this journey, God has been patiently guiding me closer to Him as my human focus would stray towards the temporary fulfillment’s of this world. All the glory goes to Him who draws me back into truth every time.
Through the trials of seeing poverty in its fullest form, the Lord taught me love. 9 months ago I asked the Lord to give me a deeper appreciation for His people. I assumed that love would make me a machine – having constant energy and smiles for His children and never wasting a moment with them. The Lord decided otherwise. With great love came great sorrow. I befriended waitresses in Cambodia, just to realize they envied my white skin and thought one touch would give them one million blessings. In Ethiopia, I played hand games at the well with those known as the despised of the village, as hundreds of flies crawled into their mouths, ears, eyes, and infected wounds. Sometimes the pain of the things I’ve seen restricted even a smile to escape my mouth. Sometimes the exhaustion of living overseas in these environments for 9 months held me back from fulfilling my wish to never waste any moment. In those times, the Lord taught me to give myself grace and showed me what was even more impactful: prayer. Whether that was intentional prayer for the people around me or the selfish human that was looking at me through the mirror, there have been countless times I’ve cried out to Lord for provision, protection, a revival, strength, and grace.
9 months ago I asked the Lord to help me depend on Him over everything and everyone. I began the Race expecting to trust no one and have community solely with my Father. I never thought depending on the Lord meant I would need to trust Him as I began to trust other people. I may not have seen the dead raised, but God did a miracle within my team. He brought 7 radically different girls together to build His Kingdom; To live as a house of Acts, encouraging each other, praying for one another, and spurring one another on towards love and good deeds. When we didn’t know to fight for each other, the Lord fought for us. Then, when the Lord opened our eyes to see each other as He sees us, that’s when the power started. That’s when nothing was going to get in the way of the Lord’s work in our lives. The first few weeks together we all doubted the Lord’s faithful hand, all the while God was looking down at us, smiling, saying, “This is very good. This is the start of something amazing.” Praise God that His plans are higher and better than ours, because if it were up to me, I wouldn’t have gotten to know six of the most amazing, courageous, and passionate women of God.
To be honest, the Lord is revealing so much to me as I write to you now. I don’t have many words to express what these nine months have meant to me. Some things just aren’t explainable. Most things I’m still processing, and most likely will continue working through for a while. Praise God for His loving care towards my tender heart! The World Race is not my life; it has just been a short season of great impact. What is that impact, you might ask? The beginning of an incredibly intentional, wildly sacrificial, and fully-surrendered life for Christ. In all my glorious failures and weaknesses where the Lord shows His great power, I’m coming for you America.
So, thank you. Thank you for coming alongside this journey of mine. Thank you for your financial support that made this possible. Thank you for encouraging me through commenting on my blogs. Thank you for everything, but most importantly, thank you for your prayers that kept me in tact when the enemy was trying to tear me apart. May the Lord bless you and keep you, and may His face shine upon you and give you His perfect peace!
To Him be the glory for ever and ever!
