Month 5. Oman. Oh man.
December brought about an abundant amount of change in a short matter of time. New teams, new roles and a new culture that all hit me like a head on collision. Debrief kicked off the month and the Lord used that space as a sifter. I kinda feel like a broken record writing my blogs because there is a common theme: grief. I believe there is a time for painting ministry in its respective light and showcasing God’s goodness through fruitful encounters but I haven’t felt led to show you that. In fact I strongly believe it’s a blessing to be at the end of your rope and that the Lord uses suffering for our good and that is what I want to show you as I live and walk it overseas. In the four days spent in debrief He ripped away yet another layer to reveal my doubts and fears. It first started with my role on the race.
I have spent four months serving as a treasurer for two consecutive teams where I managed finances making sure all arenas of operation were within budget. Despite its monotony and demand for attention to detail I thoroughly enjoyed it. In many ways it has exposed areas of weakness for me like communication and setting personal boundaries because more often than not I allowed the role to steal my peace. However things took a sharp turn the week prior to leaving for the Middle East. There was a total lack of communication between leadership from Adventures in Missions and the treasurers. There was much speculation over team changes and inevitably the wonder of who would get axed from the job. We were left in the dark grappling for answers left up to the imagination. I had intense anxiety over it for that week and walked into debrief with much anguish over something that I shouldn’t have let control me. After a meeting with leadership and my former team Opal to go over final thoughts on the season God had us in I was shot a text message by a squad leader whom I just met with moments ago informing me that I was no longer a treasurer and other squadmates were asked to fill the role. I welled up with a deep anger. For a culture in ministry that claims to want to honor people I got the shaft that day. It’s not that I strive for validation of men I just had perceived that interaction to be void of respect and honor. My time and effort had been worth an impersonal afterthought packaged in a text.
The next day word had gotten out over who got what roles within the squad before it was formally announced. My heart sank. Now my heart didn’t fall into my stomach over jealousy, actually I believe those appointed for each job will steward them immensely well and will lead the squad in the Father’s direction. No, the Lord started to work in an area of my heart that I have put up a great fight to protect for years. The insecurity: worth and value. It stung to watch teammates in similar roles get promoted while it strongly felt as though I was left behind and empty handed. It communicated to me that I didn’t do a good enough job and with nothing entrusted to me I felt absolutely worthless. There is much shame in confessing this because I’m embarrassed to admit I feel this way. For as long as I can recall I’ve hid behind work, a title, an occupation, anything ‘doing’ because I never knew how to stand apart from those things. My identity is knitted in ‘what I do’ not ‘who I am in Him’. Honestly, I have no idea how to navigate knowing my worth and value in solely Christ. Right now I wrestle with being content in being still and doing nothing productive by the world’s standard. I have a feeling I’m not going to master the art of contentment in a month either.
The final piece that sent me over the edge was my new team. It seems as though the Lord offers me holiness at the price of relinquishing my own will. It was not my will or desire to be on the all girls team with teammates that are the complete inverse to me. However, I think the hardest part was how the Lord chose to pry my hands open. From the start of this year long trip I had this dream that all the first treasurers would be a team. It was highly unlikely considering we were serving different teams in the same role but I really believed it would have been a good fit, a rather complementary group. I almost wrote a proposal to leadership explaining why it should be a consideration because I was sold on the idea. So it was a knife to the heart to look over while teams were being revealed to see all of them together except for myself in a team. I was heartbroken and angry at the Lord. It was a hard pill to swallow when He spoke to me about it later. He said “take what I give you and be willing not to have what I do not give you. The very relinquishment of this thing that you so urgently desire is a true demonstration of the sincerity of your prayer: thy will be done.” I was being asked to surrender and it hurt to do so.
What’s funny is I looked through my notes of prayers I prayed before leaving for the race and the first one I read was ‘Lord reveal areas of my heart I need to surrender.’ I laughed. I had no real concept of what that meant it just sounded fancy. I was unprepared for how God answered my prayer. His answers frequently do not look like answers at first. They look like problems. They look like trouble. They look like loss, disappointment, affliction, conflict, and sorrow. They cause deep soul wrestling and expose sins and doubts and fears. Which is exactly what He has been doing this month albeit it feels like I’m on the express path. I also see His humor in that I’m literally in a desert while feeling like I’m in a spiritual desert. Feeling a bit alienated He has me at the end of myself and it’s truly a blessing to lose what I consider dear to me. I see it as a blessing because I’m left with God and His rule has now increased in my life resulting in less of myself. An invitation to value my heavenly Father’s embrace even more.
With much love,
Saha
