It’s been a very interesting season for sure. Abrupt is a good word. At least that’s how it feels for me, not to Him. There’s been a lot of silence which I find really difficult to embrace. I haven’t many words for people and don’t have answers from Him on what to do other than ‘be still’. The transition has been unique that no one around me can quite grasp. Being hastily separated from my squad of 6 months and having to reacclimate to my original community which is thriving and doing life just fine without me has me feeling sequestered from everyone. I don’t want to project blogs from a place of having solutions to problems that I walk through because I rarely ever do. There is an art in navigating faith in the middle of uncertainty while being present and real about it. Similarly to grieving a loss, the sorrow comes in waves. Some days are great and other days everything sucks. Some days I run 7 miles and other days I have no will to get out of bed. I don’t want to be around anyone most times because I feel like I’ve failed and disappointed everyone who has supported me to some degree. I want to be connected with people from my squad but I also don’t want to confront the reality that I’m no longer there to share experiences. I’m always on the fence of completely walking away from them or fighting to continue to pursue them even though it’s a knife to the heart with each conversation. This is what my life after the race has looked like. Far from glamorous or productive. I feel lost and entering in yet another valley alone feels like a sentence rather than a blessing to grow closer to the Lord.
In the valley comes depression, anxiety, and worry. For me when I get depressed and grieved I don’t eat. Everything in me shuts down and I’ll go days, even weeks without intaking anything. One day I came across a verse that simply said ‘arise and eat’ – 1 Kings 19:5. Looking at this verse the angel in this passage did not give Elijah a vision, or explain the scriptures to him, or do anything remarkable. He simply told Elijah, who was in a deep depression, to do a very ordinary thing and get up and eat. If we were never depressed, we would not be alive. If human beings were not capable of depression, we would have no capacity for happiness and exaltation. When the Spirit of God comes to us, He most times does not give us glorious visions, but tells us to do the most ordinary things imaginable. Depression tends to turn us away from the everyday things of God’s creation. But whenever He steps in, His inspiration is to do the most natural, simple things – things we would never have imagined God was in, but as we do them we find Him there. The inspiration that comes to us in this way is an initiative against depression as long as we take that first step. If, however, we do something merely to overcome our depression, we will only deepen it. But when the Spirit of God leads us instinctively to do something, the moment we do it the depression subsides. As soon as we arise and obey, we enter a higher plane of life.
So it has been a fight to do something as simple and mundane as eating. Most times I never ask myself how I feel but tell myself how to feel. In this I have refused to succumb to overwhelming feelings of grief that press me to dissociate from life and continue to move forward in wellbeing.
In this season He has been reforming some beliefs I’ve held onto for the longest time. I used to see myself as the Lord’s least favorite person. I’ve been generously handed undesirable circumstances that sometimes feel purposeless and are outright dreadful to which on many occasions made me feel scorned by Him. God loves to give His children good gifts and, looking through the lens of faith, I see that sickness and suffering are among the greatest. Where He has chosen not to heal me, He instead holds me. The more intense the pain, the closer His embrace. Because of sickness and suffering, I am less attached to the temporal and more grounded in the eternal. I am more understanding and compassionate, aware of my own frailties and weakness under pressure. In fact, nothing has more powerfully shaped me – my theology, my character, my love for God and my love for others – than suffering. Through it, I have learned that one day in His courts, one day embraced by His love, one day of fellowship with Him is better than a thousand elsewhere (Psalm 84:10). What the enemy meant for evil and my harm God intends for overall good and will work it all out for my good (Genesis 50:20;Romans 8:28). I see that I am in fact one of His favorites and I’m taking this win.
I will say it’s been a heavy day knowing my squad will have a rich and saturated time with the Lord together this week during debrief while I’m alienated from it. It’s a different kinda hurt. I’m sure it’s a new way to invite the Lord in. He has already met me in some of the most sweetest and gentle ways possible through my friends willing to bear my burdens. Since getting back to the states I’ve had a double ear infection, blowing out both my eardrums. Consequently I’ve been deaf for 2 weeks and in some of the most excruciating physical pain I’ve ever encountered but this heartache that I have feels 10x worse than my ears. Just being real about it. I don’t always enjoy the Lord’s methods but wouldn’t trade the time spent with Him. I pray that He will utilize my season and have it minister to anyone who reads this. I pray it brings encouragement to someone who is walking through darkness too and refreshes your ability to hope again. I pray that when you do enter in a valley that you will see you are in the best company possible and have Jesus right with you who walked through the very same pain. I pray you would understand that all of your suffering cannot compare to the glory that will one day be revealed to us (Romans 8:18). Even though I’m no longer present with my squad I’m walking beside my Savior without any distraction or chatter and that is one of the most benevolent things He could give me.
