For the past few weeks I’ve been grimly grappling with the sting of betrayal. Specifically the abandonment from my squad’s SQLs and leadership themselves, team leader, mentor and coaches included. I’ve taken all of this pain to the Lord and there are a few things I’d like to flesh out here and I don’t share any of this to find validation or self justification but rather want to transparently walk through a less than desirable season and share what God has revealed to me during this time. I hope when you read this you’ll garner something of value.
Jesus himself was not immune to betrayal. Judas, one of the twelve disciples, a friend whom Jesus trusted with the group’s finances, turned Him in to be crucified. The gut wrenching part was Judas accepted a few pieces of silver in exchange for the life of his friend (Matthew 26:14-16). As Judas greeted Jesus with a kiss, Jesus knew that he would betray Him and yet He chose to bring the man into His inner fellowship even calling him ‘friend’. On a smaller scale, Peter betrayed Jesus. The disciple who vowed to follow Jesus to death denied on three occasions that he ever knew Him (Matthew 26:33-35). David too experienced betrayal at its core. Psalm 55:12-14 – “For it is not an enemy who taunts me, then I could bear it; Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me, then I could hide from him. But it is you, a man my equal, my companion and my familiar friend; We had sweet fellowship together; within God’s house we walked in the throng”. That hit me when I read that psalm from this side of the race. I would rather have someone out right openly hate me than to claim to be a friend with a hidden agenda. Further into the psalm David expresses his agony. His first response was to experience the pain of betrayal. He did not minimize his sense of hurt. He poured it out to God. I believe this is a crucial step in the healing process that many of us don’t adequately address. I tend to bottle up all my emotions and stuff them deep down with distractions in the form of work or numb them through substances, namely alcohol. I don’t want to experience the pain any further so I shunt the healing process by avoiding feeling the hurt in its fullness. Acknowledging that you have been hurt and sharing it with someone who understands is vital. God understands our pain entirely, perhaps more than we realize. God has been betrayed by His very own creation. He created us that we might glorify and enjoy Him yet instead we sinned against Him. I realize most of my Christian walk I’ve been under the false impression that bypassing my emotions was the godly thing to do. Many of the things I told myself went like: ‘I’m not lonely, I have Jesus.’ ‘I don’t need therapy, I pray.’ What shame? My identity is in Christ.’ I’m not angry, I forgive.’ Fundamentally I thought my relationship with Christ made me immune to normal human emotions and I even looked down on them.
Bypassing emotions using spiritual concepts just avoids dealing with legitimate and visceral feelings that shouldn’t be shoved out of sight. Sharing my emotions has been a tricky thing for me to do in the church or body of believers because I’m met with some kind of well meaning platitude or unsolicited advice as to why it’s my fault that I feel a certain way. I’m always told to pray about it, have more faith or that I’m believing some lie. This to me just glosses over the issue at hand. Spiritual fruit only grows with the hard work of tilling the soil and when Christian platitudes are slapped on top of suffering it’s essentially the equivalent of giving a plastic apple to someone who is famished. Instead of entering into my pain with compassion, humility, and the gift of their loving presence I felt as though leadership minimized, spiritualized and made faulty assumptions. In effect, wounding the already-wounded. In a way when we do this we become the very people Jesus rebuked when He said: “They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them” (Matthew 23:4). The holier more important work would be entering into my pain with me rather than taking the easy way out by cutting me away to avoid a potential mess. Sometimes I find myself asking the Lord to just remove my emotions or work a miracle instead of letting my pain or anger lead me to healthier boundaries with others. Or I bury myself in “good activities” like bible studies or small groups to preoccupy myself from ever really confronting what I actually think and feel. Here is an example of simplified comparisons to what I’ve distinguished from reality vs over spiritualizing actual issues.
Unacknowledged feelings will catch up to you and can unfold in unhealthy ways. Scripture has much to say about expressing emotion (Job 42:7-8; Isaiah 53:4; John 11:33; Matthew 5:3-5). Jesus welcomes the beat up, downtrodden, hopeless, even doubting souls He encounters. He doesn’t exile them and neither should we exile our emotions. They are telling you something about yourself and your experiences. On my runs I tell the Lord I don’t understand what I did wrong, that it feels like I’m being punished and I share with Him how much anger I feel towards members on my squad. I don’t gain clarity in the situation as I weep in His presence but I’m learning how to feel my feelings in its entirety and process them with Him, laying it all at His feet through this action.
Psalm 55:20-21 – “My companion stretched out his hand against his friends; he violated his covenant. His speech was smooth as butter, yet war was in his heart; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords.” I’ve never related more to this psalm than now and it has made me realize that perhaps I cannot trust people in the same capacity anymore. I think it needs to be said that not all betrayers commit their act intentionally. Sometimes people betray us simply because they are sinful human beings. They may not be as trustworthy as we once believed but it would be unwise to paint them with a broad brush, declaring them evil and unworthy of reconciliation. Of course the final step in overcoming the pain of betrayal is forgiveness. Forgiving someone is to give up our right to vengeance. We don’t repay evil for evil. Like David, we release that to the Lord, “cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved” (Psalm 55:22). I believe you can forgive someone without having all your feelings catch up at once. I believe you can walk in forgiveness and still wrestle with feelings of anger and grief which is where I’m at right now.
I won’t ever agree with the way my situation was handled. I feel as though leadership fiercely defends the squad leaders and there is a huge disconnect between understanding my heart and bridging what they perceive to be truth. I don’t assume their intentions were void of love and know that making decisions from their position isn’t an easy endeavor and can be stressful to make the right call. It’s not okay that I wasn’t invited to the table and informed what was pondered on for quite some time. For someone deemed ‘suicidal’ the radio silence from leadership since getting home has left me a bit bewildered. I get that it may not be within adventures in missions scope to handle and navigate deeper issues such as mental health but it’s not okay to segregate someone from the body just because you aren’t equipped to confront foreign affairs. Where were you and where are you now? Who is fighting for me? Who is defending me? Why have you left me alone? Yes Jesus is enough and always will be but how you lead the body is important. How you treat His bride matters. To exclude a member because you don’t want to get in the pit and bear that person’s burdens is really just an indirect form of abuse on the member through mistreatment of neglect. You have my full and total forgiveness and I don’t harbor an ounce of hate. I feel deeply misunderstood that my heart and actions throughout the race meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. I wish you would have taken the time to seek me out and trust me enough to present you with the truth because I never held back anything from you. I fear that my openness is what put a target on my back. Wrestling to trust imperfect people was a real and raw confession that I feel was misinterpreted as disrespect. To the girl who laughed in my face and smiled as I was delivered the news I was being sent home I don’t know where I went wrong. I was confident in the friendship we cultivated before you had any title and yet something sparked in you that I could not detect. I don’t know when you felt the need to paint a fallacious representation of me and I’m sure you feel misread in the midst of this as well. I really do love you, I never stopped, I’m just so perplexed. I pray you have peace and that you’ll be open to the Holy Spirit and the correction He brings. No, I don’t want to hear your side of the story and probably won’t be open to it for a while. There are consequences to actions and you have obliterated every grain of trust I’ve given to you in good faith. You have lost my respect but not my love. I pray He continues to provide for you on the race, that He will bless your fundraising and give you some pretty awesome adventures.
Navigating how I perceive myself in this community and in the church body overall has become so muddled. I don’t feel like I belong here or anywhere because it seems as though I’m too messed up to function properly in a group. I feel like an outsider to my squad and fear my interactions with them are only becoming a nuisance. It has been a fight to not let my feelings overrule truth and sometimes they get the best of me. The temptation to understand the situation is ever before me, wanting the comfort of a reason rather than resting in trusting His plan and provision through this. I’m reminded of Joseph who was sold into slavery out of his brothers jealousy and falsely imprisoned due to accusations of rape. The Lord had a purpose behind all of his suffering and worked it out for good on a much larger scale. I pray that God continues to plant forgiveness in my heart and that one day I will be able to embrace anyone who does me wrong in the way Joseph did with his family by receiving them with unconditional love. To one day be a small mirror of the redemption that the Lord so lavishes upon us. That is what I want, to love without hesitation regardless of the circumstance and He has given me the best training ground for just that.
