I’ve heard it said that the race is like a marriage. At first I didn’t understand the weight of that statement and overlooked it. Marriage is a tool God uses for our sanctification. It can serve as a mirror and show you exactly what is buried deep in your heart. In the same respect He has used my team to do just that. Over the past few months I have unearthed things about myself I’m ashamed to admit was there. I’ve mentioned in a previous blog that I’ve had a hard time acclimating in my team. I have felt like I’ve been on an island and disregarded at times. He has used those precise moments to refine me in ways I did not expect.
The goal of the Christian life is to be conformed into the image and likeness of Christ. That sounds nice and pleasant until you are presented with challenges that will determine which direction you actually take. It started with subtle resentment. Completely disrespected and questioned at every turn while serving in the role of a treasurer. “But God it’s obvious they are walking in pride!” Left behind and left out on days when I was sick. “but God they don’t even care!” Forced to share my heart prematurely and interrupted before a thought could be formed. “but God they are so selfish!” The flesh tends to sound melodramatic but that has been the internal monologue with God and every time He has responded to me with “Hannah, examine your own heart.”
It feels like I’ve wasted time dragging my feet to do what the Lord calls us to do; count one another greater than yourself, give without the intent of receiving, turn the other cheek, and yet here I am wading deep in my selfishness refusing to love when it’s hard. “No one pursues me and I’m tired of feeling like the only initiator,” “they have no respect for me so why should I treat them any better?” In these lines of thoughts it was revealed to me exactly who’s voice I had been listening to. “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” – 1 Peter 5:8
The Holy Spirit kept pointing out the passage in scripture where Jesus washes His disciples feet. Upon close examination I found He knew that would be His last night on earth and chose to spend his final moments humbly washing feet. He did not complain or wield His power and treated Judas with impartiality despite knowing that he would soon betray Him. I could think of a hundred things I would do if it were my final night on earth and yet Jesus washes feet. This is such a powerful lesson that I decided I would wash my teammates feet and pray over them in my designated team time. A very small model to display Jesus’s words “just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom to many.” – Matthew 20:28. I’ve learned that the opposite of biblical love isn’t hate; it’s apathy because the movement of God is a movement toward people and I’ve learned to honor one person but dishonor another still dishonors Christ. “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” – Romans 12:10. I explained my heart behind my team time and apologized to them for being apathetic in my pursuit of them and vowed from that moment forward I would intentionally dedicate my time to serve and honor them and my future team.
Forgive me for my lack of blogs and updates, I’ve been sick (again!) and this time in India I got a week to just spend with the Lord which has been incredibly beneficial since I’ve been walking through a season of grief. Prior to coming on the race much had transpired and I’ve never had the time to unpack those events and now being on the race with plenty of time on my hands the Lord has told me to “sit in the pain because it’s okay to grieve.” I’ve cried (a lot) and am slowly learning how to become a better communicator because of it. He has spoke to me and said “Try slowing things down so you can respond more deliberately and be less barreled by automatic responses and old memories that happen out of your awareness.” With each passing day He continues to shine light on the fears that I’ve kept hidden in my past of pain.
It is my goal to get you a recount of my time in China, Tibet and what my team has been doing here in India. Many adjustments are about to happen with alumni team leaders leaving the field, team changes looming on the horizon and the entire squad heading to our fourth country all within two weeks. Please continue to pray for the hearts and minds of my squad as we move forward with the plans the Lord has for us individually and collectively. Also keep our fundraising in your prayers as well! Most of my squad mates are fully funded! and I’m roughly $8,500 away from being fully funded myself. He has been insanely faithful by gathering people I’ve never met to help support and encourage me in this season. I’m excited to see how He will show up in the next few months!
