“I feel…”
Two dangerous words that so often drive my actions, words, desires, and thoughts.
In small group last week, I felt convicted and was faced with the ugly truth that, more often than not, my life is driven by my emotions.
My Bible study leader boldly proclaimed (via someone that said it to her): “your emotions are not truth.”
Honestly, I was immediately defensive.
Why? Because, sinfully, I lean on the emotion of my day to day as truth more often than I lean on actual truth.
I journal and express feelings more than I seek the Lord for truth and revelation.
If I am honest, I look to be consoled by friends and loved ones before I spend time resting in the promises and presence of Jesus.
That was not fun to admit.
I’ve said it before in my blogs, but I am someone who deeply feels things. Most of the time, I deeply feel the emotions of others more than I feel my own.
Sometimes, I wish I didn’t feel so deeply.
Often times, I feel ashamed that I feel so much, and embarrassed that I am driven by these feelings.
On Saturday, Grant and I were watching Anthony Bourdain’s show, Parts Unknown. (For those of you that are not aware, Mr. Bourdain committed suicide last week). The specific episode was filmed in Jerusalem, and Anthony Bourdain was exploring the city, learning about the food and culture.
As I was watching, I became overwhelmed by thoughts like…
I wonder if he was hurting and in pain when he filmed this…
What if he was filming this and felt life wasn’t worth it…
Why could a man, so cultured and aware of the world, want to end his life…
What will I feel when I visit countries around the world…
I felt heavy with the reality that I am going to be visiting countries this man has visited, and that my life is going to be a testament to the love of Jesus, and the way it radically changes hearts. I can’t really explain why, but emotion overcame me, and I quietly started to cry.
DISCLAIMER #1! This happens often. Like, I cry, a lot.
Grant noticed I was sniffling, and checked in on me, and I really wasn’t able to put my finger on why exactly I was so emotional. So, after a night of processing, some prayer, and a convicting sermon on Sunday, I am starting to understand.
I think I have been avoiding emotion for a few weeks.
Without going into the gory details, these past couple months have been heavy. Situations have come up with family, friends, ministry, employment, etc., that are unavoidable and, just… a lot.
Being a person that feels things so deeply, these past couple months have just been too much for me to work through alone. So like a classic sinner and a stubborn human, instead of praying and seeking the Lord, I pushed aside the emotions and hoped I would be able to coast without processing through them.
Advice: don’t do this.
It’s almost like I was only feeling things when it was absolutely necessary.
Deep conversations. Sunday morning. Bible study.
That’s really it.
But the funny thing about my heart is this: when I try not to feel things, the very nature of who I am (a deep feeler) begins to rebel, and the overwhelming emotion that needs to be poured out begins to burst at the seams in any moment it can. (Like the moment watching Parts Unknown).
DISCLAIMER #2! I do this a lot, too.
I have a bad habit of not surrendering things to the Lord.
I am stubborn, independent and hard-headed. I want to handle things on my own, no matter the cost.
This seems fun in the moment when I don’t have to ask for help, but in moments when I can’t control the tears, can’t explain what I am feeling, and have to rehash weeks of pent-up emotion… it’s not fun.
It shatters the walls of pride I arrogantly build, expecting the moment to never come.
So here I am, emotional and vulnerable, feeling naked and exposed, saying thank you for giving me the space to express.
My lack of updates over the past couple months has been because I have been avoiding feelings while simultaneously letting them drive my every move.
I am declaring and boldly asking the Lord to fortify me and provide me with the wisdom and strength to live a life driven by his Holy Spirit, moment by moment.
My time processing/journaling over the next couple weeks will be 10x what it normally is, and I pray it leads me to have genuine, intentional, challenging, honest conversations.
There are many things I have been pressed, by the Holy Spirit, to do in preparation of my time on the race.
The enemy is so quick to whisper in my ear, “look how ready he/she is…” when I hear about and talk with my squadmates.
But the Lord is so faithful and rescues me from that pit every time.
The World Race encourages racers to participate in something called Active Listening (AL).
Basically, this is a time of just being with and listening to the Lord, and what He wants to say.
We spend so much time journaling, expressing, and giving thanks/requests to the Lord. All of these things are holy and good, but sometimes God just wants us to stop and listen. He has so much to say. So much to offer. So much truth to implant in our fickle souls.
So, for a couple weeks now, I have had a time of AL post-quiet time in the mornings.
My time with the Lord has been filled with encouragement, promises, and challenges.
A few weeks ago, the Lord said, “do you know my voice?”
Most of the time, when I have AL, I just listen and write.
I read and reflect later.
But this moment stopped me. I sat back and tried to answer that question.
Do I know His voice?
I think so?
Yes?
Maybe?
I mean, truly, this is what life is all about.
Life is about looking for the presence of the Lord, and just spending time there.
What I am focusing on is finding and knowing the voice of the Lord.
This is what my life looks like in the United States (or what it should look like).
This is what life will look like in South America.
This is what life will look like in Southeast Asia.
This is what life will look like in Eastern Europe.
I want to earnestly seek the presence of the Lord and simply be there.
I want to find that presence and boldly invite others to join me there, believer or nonbeliever.
I realized today that my time is not my own.
My life is not my own.
My successes are not my own.
The man who created me; I am His.
The man who deemed me righteous and worthy, who calls me Child; I am His.
My time on the World Race is not my own.
It is a calling I have been given, and I will be faithful to that calling.
I am a child of God.
“But to all who have received him–those who believe in his name–he has given the right to become God’s children.” John 1:12
I am a branch of the true vine, and a conduit of Christ’s life.
“I am the true vine and my Father is the gardener. I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in me–and I in him–bears much fruit, because apart from me you can accomplish nothing.” John 15:1, 5
I am a friend of Jesus.
“I no longer call you slaves, because the slave does not understand what his master is doing. But I have called you friends, because I have revealed to you everything I heard from my Father.” John 15:15
I have been justified and redeemed.
“But they are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:24
I am no longer a slave to sin.
“We know that our old man was crucified with him so that the body of sin would no longer dominate us, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin.” Romans 6:6
I am not condemned by God.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1
I am set free from the law of sin and death.
“For the law of the life-giving Spirit in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8:2
I am a fellow heir with Christ.
“And if children, then heirs (namely, heirs of God and also fellow heirs with Christ) –if indeed we suffer with him so we may also be glorified with him.” Romans 8:17
I am accepted.
“Receive one another, then, just as Christ also received you, to God’s glory.” Romans 15:7
I am called to be a saint.
“… To the church of God that is in Corinth, to those who are sanctified in Christ Jesus, and called to be saints, with all those in every place who call on the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, their Lord and ours.” 1 Corinthians 1:2
In Jesus, I have wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption.
“He is the reason you have a relationship with Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption …” 1 Corinthians 1:30
I am joined to the Lord and am one spirit with Him.
“But the one united with the Lord is one spirit with him.” 1 Corinthians 6:17
I am a new creation in Christ.
“So then, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; what is old has passed away–look, what is new has come!” 2 Corinthians 5:17
I have been set free.
“For freedom Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not be subject again to the yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
I am chosen, holy, and blameless in his sight.
“For he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world that we may be holy and unblemished in his sight in love.” Ephesians 1:4
MAN, this makes me so excited.
This is what I have been resting in.
THAT is truth and there is so much joy in there.
••
LIFE UPDATE
So, I graduated on May 12, and had a busy and sweet weekend with the family and friends in town. I moved that same weekend and drove probably 1000 miles that week.
(Lots of emotions, but primarily excitement for an amazing season and the many memories I created in Raleigh).
I said ‘see you later’ to the YMCA, Broughton High School, and my sweet nanny kiddos in Chapel Hill. Man, that was a tough few days.
I moved to GREENSBORO! I LOVE it here and am so thankful for these months of transition before leaving.
I am finding community and creating a routine. I work for the literal sweetest family with a 3-month-old baby. He’s wonderful. He smiles and drools a lot, and I love spending time watching him grow. His parents love me so well and have made me feel like family.
I also work for Altar’d State. It’s my first time in retail, and I love the glow on a gal’s face when she finds the perfect dress. My co-workers rock and have taught me so much.
I am attending Mercy Hill Church, which blows me away week after week with the way it holds believers accountable to love Jesus, be His hands and feet, and live in gospel-centered community.
Life is really sweet. I have so much to be thankful for.
I am reading a book (suggested to me by a friend and former world racer) called Sonship: A Journey into the Father’s Heart.
It is all about understanding what it means to be God’s child.
It talks about how we, as Christians, have placed Jesus as the center piece of religion, and so easily overlook God – his majesty, his power, and his role in the gospel.
It asked the question to the author, “whose son are you?” This shook him and brought him to his knees (physically and emotionally) as he processed the idea of sonship.
It changed his life and shifted his perspective.
(Would 100% recommend this book). I have been asking myself, “whose daughter are you?”
I’m working through this, slowly.
••
FUNDRAISING UPDATE
As of right now, (with some donations yet to be processed and t-shirt money still coming in), I am sitting at about $5,000 raised!
THIS IS HUGE. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
My 5,000-dollar goal is July 20; I am humbled by your generosity, friends.
Honestly, fundraising isn’t fun.
My next goal is $10,000 by September 20, but I’d like to hit it by the time I go to training camp (August 8).
I believe in the generosity of God’s people, and I believe so deeply that this is what I am called to do.
••
SPIRITUAL UPDATE
If it wasn’t clear, I would love prayer for these things…
for strength to face my shortcomings head on
to not be scared to ask for help
to enter into genuine, real conversations about the Gospel
for my donors to be blessed beyond belief for their generosity
for the Lord to provide gear for me as I approach training camp
Thank you for reading, for supporting me, and for loving me through the ugly mess life can be sometimes.
••
All my love,
Hannah
