I want to go on the World Race. Never, not even for a second, since committing to the race, have I questioned whether or not this is what the Lord is calling me to do.
I prepared for spiritual warfare. I anticipated fear and doubt to creep in. I was praying daily for the Lord to prepare my spirit for the battle. I asked that in the moment of weakness I would remember that He has already won; therefore, fear and doubt cannot win.
I reminded myself as I studied the Psalms that “I (seek) the Lord, and He (hears) me, and (delivers) me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4.
PRAISE REPORT: Fear and doubt haven’t crept in.
As I said, I have not felt scared or anxious or unsure that going on the World Race is the Lord’s plan for this next year. The factors that normally would create uncertainty have served as opportunities to ponder the ways in which the Lord is going to wreck my heart in the most beautiful way.
But I couldn’t bring myself to celebrate these victories, and I couldn’t put my finger on why.
Friends, in the spirit of vulnerability, I haven’t really felt anything.
I haven’t felt the negative emotions we associate with warfare (fear, doubt, anxiety, worry).
I likewise haven’t felt happiness, joy, excitement, peace, or contentment.
This may seem insignificant, but let me put this into context.
I am a feeler. Personality tests, friends, family, my housemate (God bless you, Ash), and my partner can attest to this. I feel everything.
But for a month or so, I have been numb.
As a female, I can blame it on ‘that time of the month.’ As a senior, I can blame it on senioritis. As a working adult, I can blame it on being busy. As a student, I can blame it on the hours of reading and studying with which I am charged.
But, none of these things are to blame.
My quiet time (the time I spend in the morning studying the Lord’s word and His promises) has been consistent, yet driven by routine rather than desire.
Work has been something to keep my schedule full, rather than a time to invest in the younger members of my generation.
Class has been frustrating, specifically when I have trouble grasping topics; whereas, I usually view this as a challenge, and devote myself to understanding.
My evenings, normally packed with dinner dates, chats over coffee, and the occasional work out class, have been full of TV show binging, the desire to be alone, and procrastination.
I was humbled by this realization when I said to a friend (for the 10th time in a couple weeks), “I’m going to finish my next blog post tonight,” and instead chose to spend the evening watching a sub-par TV show and exercising.
Being a person that is very aware of their feelings and emotions, I believe the enemy saw my preparation for warfare, and instead of attacking me with fear, doubt, or uncertainty, he attacked me with apathy.
The enemy convinced my feeble mind that busyness was a reason to put the World Race, and the preparations necessary, on the back-burner.
But, as a friend of mine once said, busyness is not a fruit of the Spirit.
The enemy allowed ‘morally neutral’ things to numb my affections for Jesus, who He is, and the way His Spirit is alive and active.
As Matt Chandler says, we should seek things that stir our affections for Jesus. I wasn’t.
The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy.
I have given Him the power to take joy from me in the past month.
I admit this on a public, social platform, not to seek pity, but to ask my loved ones to hold me accountable to seek blessings that stir my affections for Him, instead of activities that numb them.
The ugly, heart-wrenching truth is that humans, sinful and ungodly in nature, handed the keys of the world to the enemy.
Adam and Eve chose to disobey the straight forward direction God gave, and after sinning, “the eyes of both were opened, they knew that they were naked. And they sowed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” (Genesis 3:7).
Adam and Eve, feeling shameful and afraid, attempted to cover the sin.
ME TOO.
I cover sin with busyness, with frustration, and with the desire to be alone.
I hide when I hear the “sound of the Lord God walking in” (Genesis 3:8) to recklessly pursue my heart, again. Despite my repeated choice to run away.
I blame sin and ungodliness on temptation, and on circumstance.
I am ungodly by nature.
PRAISE REPORT: “For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.” (Romans 5:6).
Praise God.
Praise God that while I am weak, He chooses to save me.
Praise God that while I was a sinner, He died for me.
Praise God that I am not required, or even encouraged, to ‘get it together’ before I enter into His presence.
Praise God that “since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (Romans 5:1).
Praise God that Adam’s trespass led to condemnation for all men, (BUT) one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men.
I am feeling emotion and excitement and joy in the purest form for the first time in a month, so Praise God for that as well.
As I enter into a NEW season (in Jesus name) of allowing joy, contentment, peace, and appreciation to invade the depths of my daily experience, I am so thankful that you chose to read this post, and I need your prayer.
Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable and transparent about my sin, and for giving my sin the same grace that Jesus poured out.
Thank you for caring for me by reading my heart-thoughts on a page.
Here are some prayer requests from now until the next time I share. Pray…
-that the Lord would introduce more non-believers to me, and that I would be bold in sharing the Gospel with them,
-that as I start to truly dive into the fundraising process, that people on the other side would be generous, and that the generosity of people would be rewarded by the outpouring of the Lord’s blessings on their lives,
-that my time at the YMCA would be joyful, and that my love for those kids would multiply daily,
-that my home would continue to be a safe space for the Holy Spirit to reign and open hearts.
-that my last semester would be one of diligence and dedication to the opportunity I have to study at an incredible university,
-and finally, that I would be consistent in desiring to know MORE of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, and that I would, without fear, begin to understand the depth of the trinity in a new way.
I am so thankful for y’all.
All my love,
Hannah
