Before the end of this month, I will be done with ¼ of the World Race.
I feel like I left yesterday.
I also feel like I have been on the field for much longer than 2 months and a couple days.
So, where am I?
Physically, emotionally, mentally…
I wanted to give an update.
Not a “here’s where I am, here’s what I am doing,” kind of update. But a whale update.
(“What’s whale??” — Think whale versus dolphin, deep versus surface level).
A bottom of the barrel, this is real, this is what I am feeling, kind of update.
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Alright, so month 1. Colombia. This month was full of “I can’t believe this is real” moments.
Every morning, I thought to myself: “I am actually on the World Race.”
I fell in love with the streets of Filandia.
I was enamored with the culture – the openness, the expressiveness, the coffee.
I spent my days at La Fundación, loving on the kids, and hanging out with our sweet hosts.
The aspect of Colombia that affected me most was how welcoming people were.
They stood in their doorways, waiting for someone to walk by and just interact with them.
While our official ministry in Filandia was working with the foundation, our unofficial ministry was simply loving on the people (living a missional lifestyle).
We cherished the fact that they openly welcomed us, and we sat with them.
We talked about Jesus.
We shared what we were learning.
And we listened – simply listened to what they wanted to share.
What did I learn?
Colombia taught me a lot about striving. It was closer to the end of the month that I learned so much about striving and what it looked like, but I realized that I am a person who tends to strive.
I set a standard (or perceive a standard that I think is set for me), and I focus on meeting, or surpassing, that standard.
I am really hard on myself.
I beat myself down when I don’t think I met the standard. Not an “oh shoot I’ll get it next time” type of beating, but a deeper “you’re not even worth it” beating that has wrecked my self-worth.
My team has lovingly called my self-worth out of me and called me higher to see myself the way the Lord sees me.
The striving thing went so deeper than I realized. It affected everything.
I strove to perform, and to be seen a certain way.
I held others to the same (ridiculously high) standard I held myself to.
I held bitterness against people when they didn’t meet my unspoken expectations.
I competed with others in my mind, which built emotional walls, preventing me from connecting.
And when I realized this was a chain I was locking on my ankles daily, I strove to figure out a way to be freed from it.
Yet, He loves me still.
“Oh, sweet Hannah Beth,” I can hear him saying.
The Father lovingly reminded me that being freed from striving has nothing to do with figuring it out myself, quite the opposite actually.
If I strove to figure out a fix, and it worked, it would simply reaffirm my (false) idea that I can free myself from anything.
He told me that He was revealing a life of freedom to me. Piece by piece.
Releasing the desire to strive was simply the first piece.
Praise God.
What was good/hard?
Life really is all about the little things. Here are some ‘little’ things from Colombia.
What was good?
The kids. The coffee. The people of Filandia. Our hosts. The town. The living situation. The bonds that we created on our team. Nerts nights. Guillermo. Spending the month with sweet Jenny. The coffee shop down the street. The views. The food. Lunch at Sol’s. Tuk tuk, the restaurant. Time with the Lord.
My favorite detail of Colombia? The COFFEE. 75% or so of the coffee that’s exported to the US was within 50 miles of us.
What was hard?
Being away from home. Realizing I would be away from home for much longer. Breaking down spiritual borders of Catholicism. Receiving revelation about how hard I am on myself. Sharing deep, ugly struggles. Choosing vulnerability, every day. The hardest detail? Leaving. Leaving. Leaving. SO many tears.
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Month 2! Ecuador.
Ecuador was all squad month, which means that all 26 of us were living in one house, with one host. We lived with Mabe and Fabi, a sweet Ecuadorian couple that partners with AIM to provide a home – a true home – for racers.
We had the opportunity to meet them during training camp (which never happens). At training camp, I knew they’d be a couple that really invests in us.
Fabi leans into the voice of the Father like no one I have ever met.
Mabe uses her gentles and her honest encouragement to create relationships that last.
Their living room was filled with comfy couches, blankets, and lots of books. A sweet place to start with a cup of coffee at 6:30AM and finish with some squad worship at 10PM.
I think I explored more of the country of Ecuador than the city of Quito. We traveled to Baños for debrief, we went to Pedernales for a beach weekend, and we spent some time at the center of the world (an equator museum).
Ecuador was a sweet month, and it flew by.
What did I learn?
Ecuador taught me a lot about sitting in the love of the Father. The only true way to combat the bad habits we have is to simply sit in the love the Father has for you, and rest there. He wrecks the ideas we think we have of ourselves and replaces them with true adoration – the way he truly sees us.
As I mentioned in my previous blog, I fasted this month from journaling, and instead of spending time giving the enemy a foothold and telling Jesus what (I thought) needed to be fixed about me,
-I let him speak words of truth and peace over me.
-I learned how to truly worship from a position of freedom.
-I learned that his perfect love casts out all fear. While this sounds fruity and sweet, think about it. Embracing his love means I don’t have to fear being vulnerable – because my truth is just a confirmation of how deeply he loves me. I don’t have to fear messing up – because his grace is so much deeper and truer than my idea of perfection I want to measure up to. I don’t have to fear confrontation – because the words he gives me to share are filtered through the Holy Spirit and He goes before me. It really casts out fear.
Learning to sit in the love of the Father also teaches you a lot about loving others.
As does living with 26 people.
It’s really easy to try and give love the way you are comfortable, but people don’t always receive love the best in the same way you give it.
We worked in Camp Hope, a ministry for adults and kids with severe disabilities.
Talk about learning to love people.
Our team really wrestled with – why am I capable of ________ and this person isn’t?
How do I love this person, reconcile our different abilities, and not compare myself to them?
When the person in front of you seems helpless and incapable, yet the Father delights in them and you can see joy just resting on them, you learn to love people and allow yourself to be loved the same.
Little preachers. Teaching without words or action.
What was good/hard?
What was good?
Dinners with all 26 of us. Experiencing friendsgiving with purple sweet potato casserole. Homemade cookies. Renting Elf. Celebrating what we are thankful for. Being with the whole squad. Being called “Hannita” every time Fabi and Mabe saw me. Walking 30 minutes to ministry every day. Practicing my Spanish more. Crying with Fabi every time he cried. My comfy bed. Worship sessions that last an hour longer than planned.
What was hard?
Being with 26 people, all the time. Seeing disunity and not being sure how to fix it. Being away from family for Thanksgiving. Understanding why Jesus made us with different abilities. Homesickness. Accepting love on ‘bad days.’ Having to finish every drop of every meal. Leaving. Hearing Fabi say, “I love you more, Hannah Bethita” when we left.
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Month 3. Peru!
We just arrived a couple days ago, and I am at home.
Walking the streets of Lima, I feel a weird sense of familiarity. I’ve never visited Lima, nor have I been to California (people say it’s a lot like Cali here).
The markets, open-air and closed, welcome people of different nationalities, all selling things and starting conversation about things they are passionate about.
We live a few blocks from the ocean, a couple blocks from a Starbucks, Chili’s, and Bath and Body Works!!
(Taking donations for a Christmas candle to make me feel at home).. 😉
We will be doing relational ministry here, starting relationships and sharing the love of Jesus from a place of friendship.
Talk about a ministry I am pumped about.
I get to just sit and be with people.
We will be working in an area called Miraflores.
This is one of the wealthiest areas of Lima, and people here are wrecked with the sense that they just don’t need anything else, so why would they need a God?
We will be partnering with churches and a local school, and using this opportunity to create relationships and invite people in.
What am I learning?
I am learning more and more about spiritual gifts.
My teammates call out gifts in me that I don’t see myself. A squad mate said this, and I think its profound – sometimes we are too close to a situation to see the story. I think the same about being too close to a gift. We may be too close to recognize how sweet it truly is.
This is why community is so crucial.
One of my teammates called out my ability to see emotional walls built between individuals.
The Father has also given me a deep desire for unity, and I am able to see breakdowns in unity, and He has given me the boldness to call them out.
This gives me the ability to create a safe, united space for people to just be and to share.
I think I will see how my spiritual gifts function this month – within community and ministry.
I would love to create another update toward the end of the month, sharing what was good and what was hard. I see potential for a month here that I will hold so close to my heart.
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Prayer requests
– Opportunity to share the love of Jesus with people who don’t see the need for Him.
– Safety and provision as we are traveling around the city.
– Wisdom and discernment from the Holy Spirit.
– Unity among our team – that we would continue to peel back the layers, get uncomfortable, and be in a constant state of giving grace to one another.
– Financial provision in fundraising.
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Fundraising Update
I am currently 1,563 dollars away from being fully funded!
The desire is that I would be fully funded by January in order to stay on the field and continue in the work the Lord has for me.
Our squad is believing that each one of us would be fully funded by the end of December.
I am looking for 15 people to donate 100 dollars before December 20!
If you are one of the 15, I will send you a fun Christmas card from yours truly!
Would you consider partnering with me?
Prayer and financial support are so crucial, as the Lord is providing opportunity after opportunity to experience and share more of his love.
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Thanks for keeping up with the journey. Double thanks for the patience between posts.
All my love,
Hannah Beth
