Love. Forgiveness. Compassion.
These are just some words that Jesus is teaching me right now.
Recently I have found myself with wondering thoughts of if home, what’s next, and the comforts that are there for me. I think about what it’s going to be like to stand in a warm shower for hours on end, drive a car, do my Jesus time with a cup of coffee in my parents back yard, eat hamburgers and Mac n Cheese at my grandparents house, what the first thing my brothers and I are going to do, how I’m going to react to people asking “how was your trip” and so so so much more. I don’t know if it’s because it seems so close (2 months compared to 7 appears so short), if it’s because my dad will be here in 3 DAYS!, or because I just miss it. I spend most of my thoughts on Jesus and being present here, but when I just have time to let my thoughts wonder, to home they go.
A few days ago, my mom sent me a link to her new blog. A blog about how she’s biking across the country in honor of my big brother Cory, that I may or may not be joining her on. This lead me to travel back to her old blog with all the posts of the thoughts, feelings and procedures that went into the longest 2 months of our entire families life while my brother was in the ICU.
I laid in my hammock and just cried. Cried because her eloquent words brought back the confusing feelings that the hospital brought me, the grief of my brother passing, though a peace laid under all of these feelings. Intertwined in my mothers words was the love of God. In the place that you least expect it, but there it is clear as day.
I look at my mom as one of the strongest people in the world because even though here baby boy was taken from her, she stayed strong in her faith.
This has been a battle of mine for the last 3 years. I lost my faith, and turned my back only constant thing in my life at that point. Because how could a good God take such a good life from a good family.
Just a story for you right quick. We were in India, we had just gotten our new teams, and we were at some sort of funeral service. There was a man in the family who had stage 3 or 4 lung cancer. They were waiting until the next scans to know if he was getting better or worse, if he was going to live or if he was going to die. Our team decided to pray for this sweet, sweet man, married with kids, pets and a job. We prayed, and I had this feeling deep in my soul that he was healed (though we never got to know the actual result). I walked away from that prayer pissed… why would God save this man, but not save my brother…
I don’t think that I will ever fully understand this. I will continue to grieve, continue to get upset, and continue to not have the understanding that my God has. The thing that is different in this season of my life is that I have a concrete relationship with my God, and though I may not understand the who’s, what’s, when’s, where’s, and whys, behind my brothers passing, but I know that my God is good.
In that, my God has a plan for me. He knew that my brother was going to pass, I don’t think that he wanted him to though. The fact of the matter is that we live in a broken world, and we are broken people, and broken things happen. The garden of Eden didn’t have cancer.
And this is what Jesus has been teaching me. His forgiveness compassion and love, demonstrated on the cross. I get to kneel before the cross, take all my brokenness, my hurt, my lack of understanding, my sin and place it on the cross with him. That’s where the forgiveness sets in. That every beating, mock said, and thorn in his head was him taking what I deserved, and washing me clean… Forgiveness. Undeserved. Love. The thing is that Jesus is God, and God can do anything. He could have taken himself off of that cross. He could’ve chosen not to drink the cup the Father placed in front of him. BUT HE LOVES ME SO MUCH THAT HE SUFFERED A DEATH SO PAINFUL AND SO SHAMEFUL, SO THAT I COULD LIVE IN COMMUNION WITH HIM, AND THEN ETERNITY WITH HIM…. now we need to take a short intermission so that you will know that this is important…. IT WAS HIS LOVE FOR ME (AND FOR YOU) THAT HEALD HIM ON THE CROSS. It was his love for me that he took the cup that he didn’t want to bear. God is love, in case you needed a reminder. And God was flesh. So he holds compassion for us because he felt what we felt. This leads me to the story of Lazarus. It says that Jesus wept. He cried because his good friend died, knowing that he was going to raise him, and yet he grieved his friend.
God forgives me when I am angry that my brother is gone. He loves me through my pain. He grieves with me when I need to grieve. He laughs with me when I laugh, and we both know, that Cory and I get to spend eternity rejoicing and praising HIM together.
