In about 10 weeks I’ll be turning 24. Which is crazy because last time I checked I had just celebrated my 23rd birthday in El Salvador with new friends, a Dora piñata, and cake. The 42 weeks since then have been life changing. I’ve grown into a person I only dreamed about and have more joy that ever before.
•••••••
Dear Hannah,
Wow, 22 was a year. A year full of goodbyes. A year full of heartbreak. Let’s be honest, it was bad.
But 23 is going to be much, much different. When you turn 23 you’ll have just finished month 1 of the World Race. A month full of questions like, “what the Hell did I just get myself into?” You’ll cry on your birthday, because you’ll be too wrapped up in the fact that the day can’t be all about you and your mom can’t take you to get your half off Kendra Scott necklace.
Soon after though, you’ll step into Guatemala. The month you’ll discover parts of yourself. A friend will share words that will completely shatter the walls you’ve built around yourself that being quiet is bad, therefore making you believe that you are bad. You’ll try things that are way out of your athletic ability making you doubt yourself. You’ll struggle with the 15 year old thought that you aren’t good enough.
But then in Honduras you’ll be presented with the picture from God of the garden. Hannah, you are the garden. There will be seasons of immense growth, but there will also be seasons of death. So you’ll have to learn that to continue to grow you’ll have to eventually clear out all the dead.
And in Nicaragua you’ll do a lot of that. You’ll heal from many, many old wounds. You’ll realize that your relationship with God is so much more important that any relationship with a guy will ever be. And you’ll really start to believe that your are enough. Your realize that God created you so uniquely into a person that will grow His Kingdom and it might be best to go ahead and step into that.
Then you’ll fly to Africa.
In Côte d’Ivoire you’ll loose 75% of your belongings for the month. You’ll cry about it for awhile and be concerned about the potentially wasted money, but then you’ll be humbled. Humbled because you’ll have to trust that your friends truly don’t see you as an inconvenience when you ask to barrow their skirt one more time or use their shampoo for the whole month. Humbled because despite a few miscellaneous things you’ll realize how much stuff you really don’t need. Your heart will also be broken and mended at the same time. A sweet little girl will walk into your life and show you a love you’ve never felt before. A love that would move mountains if needed. A love that leaves you breathless when you pull out of the driveway one last time only to become a memory.
In Ghana you’ll experience fear and grace. Two things that don’t really go together, but they’ll define the month. Your anxiety will be felt in ways you haven’t felt it in months. And you’ll stay home from ministry a few times because you’re too scared of how you might react to what was going to happen that day. But grace will come in like a waterfall. Not only for yourself, but for your friends and family as well. You’ll finally realize that God still loves you and wants you despite the things of your past, the things you are most ashamed off. He’ll teach that in order to fully heal you’ll need to also extend grace. And you’ll need to be persistent no matter how hard it is. No matter how much it seems like it is doing nothing to help others heal. Because look how long it took you to actually feel and accept it.
Then you’ll fly to Asia.
In Nepal you’ll experience The Holy Spirit like never before. You’ll finally realize that The Holy Spirit is literally living inside of you and He’s with you in everything. Even in the times that you probably wish He hadn’t been. And guess what? He still loves you. And you’ll start to live your life in a more thoughtful way. You’ll be constantly thinking about if what you are doing, eating, saying, etc. is respecting The Holy Spirit and if you are truly providing the temple that He deserves through your actions.
In India you’ll have an anxiety attack in a tribal village. You’ll become overwhelmed with the thought that you have no control over your own body. That you have no say. And that you have to do what they say because if you don’t, they’ll reject you. Then you’ll realize that was the devil speaking to you. And that you’ve grown and you’ll no longer be that person if you’re ever put in that situation again. You realize that you’ve grown so much that the devil is probably going to try and attack more because he sees what you’re doing for the Kingdom.
In Thailand you’ll discover that you were born to be loved. And you’ll also start to think about the future. You’ll apply for G42 with your friends and you’ll be really excited about the potential of moving to Spain and getting to continue to have a community that will hold you accountable. A community that will teach you and help you grow.
In Malaysia you’ll learn that you didn’t get accepted into G42 and you’ll kick and scream as you enter into the victim circle. You’ll fight thoughts of inadequacy and you’ll believe that it’s because no one of authority ever sees you as a leader. But then, the Pastor your working with will speak over your life. And he’ll say the same thing that your host in Nicaragua said. That you’re going to be a big impact at home. A big impact on your family. And that you are like Gideon because you are strong. And you’ll realize that you had no right to apply to G42 in the first place because God never had that planned for you. You were listening to your wants rather than what The Holy Spirit was telling you.
And in Indonesia you’ll slow down. You’ll be content with loving the person that is in front of you. You’ll form relationships with locals. You’ll realize how small the world is when you seek community outside of your comfortable team. You’ll struggle because who the heck goes to Bali without once getting in the ocean or a pool. But then you’ll step back and realize that you can take what the devil is trying to frustrate you with you turn it into ministry. And you’ll realize that ministry doesn’t have to be evangelizing in an African village or loving on children in an orphanage. You’ll realize that all ministry truly is, is loving the person in front of you just like Jesus would. So you’ll start a conversation with the man trying to get you to buy surfing lessons instead of just waving him off. And you’ll feel truly excited about going home. Because that’s where God has called you to be. And for the first time, you’ll be content with not knowing.
Love,
Banana
