I’ve been trying to write this blog for almost 2 weeks now, but I just couldn’t decide what to write and I was still allowing myself to process this time. But I woke up this morning feeling ready to share my thoughts, so here we are! If you read my last blog, I talked about how these 3 months were going to be my “redemption race”. And oh man, that could not be more true. The opportunities that God has given me, the new perspectives He’s given me, and the ways that He’s moved in my heart during my time in South Africa so far have been overwhelmingly redemptive. It’s been a daily reminder of how much the Lord delights in giving us the desires of our hearts – desires that we may not even know we have yet! When I first found out that I had the option to come back out on the mission field, I wasn’t quite sure how to feel. I had finally settled back into a routine and into a job and was ready to continue on with my education (or so I thought), and I honestly didn’t love the idea of leaving the comfort of home all over again. But I felt that familiar tug at my heart telling me to go, and by now I know better than to ignore it. Like I said previously, and I’ll preach it ’til the day I die, God’s plans are always better.
When I gave God my “yes” to these 3 months, I was pretty insistent on it being only 3 months. You see, I had plans to start my clinical program for Sonography this year. The program begins in May, I’m set to arrive home at the end of April. I was going to get an apartment, work part time while completing clinicals, and keep up with studying on the side. I was going to be crazy busy, but in my book, busy is good. I had it all mapped out perfectly. I thought, “okay God, you can have these 3 months, but as soon as I get back to the states my time is mine again. I’ve got things to do, ya know!” Ha. How naïve of me to think that I can just boss God around like that… After about a month of being here in South Africa, I found out that I actually wasn’t even accepted into the Sonography program. I was completely shocked to say the least. How was this even possible? I had worked so hard for this. I had straight A’s, I scored well on my placement test, and I even took extra classes for extra points on my application. But it still wasn’t enough.
My mind was racing with so many thoughts. I was feeling the stab of rejection, but also wondering “well, now what?”. I hadn’t made a backup plan because I didn’t think I’d need one. I was SO confident that I’d get into my program that a backup plan was never even on my radar. My initial reaction (after the water works ended) was to immediately come up with a new plan. I tend to gravitate towards busyness, constantly trying to fill my time, because I like feeling productive and accomplished. Always having something to do makes me feel useful. So, having just learned my lesson about creating my own plans, I started praying asking the Lord what he wanted me to do next. I was awaiting an extravagant answer, hoping he had some radical plan to keep me on my toes for the next year until I could re-apply for my clinical program. But I heard nothing. Days went by, then weeks, and I was starting to think that God was just ignoring me. How rude! Until I realized that I was the one ignoring Him. I was ignoring Him because I didn’t like the answer that He was giving me. I was asking Him to give me something to occupy my time, while He just wanted to simply give me time. Time to spend with Him, time to spend with family and friends, time to merely enjoy my life before jumping into an occupation that I have the rest of my life to do. And though it wasn’t the answer I was hoping for, I know it’s God’s best for me and 1 year from now I’ll look back and realize that this “burden” was actually a gift.
While I had come to terms with the change in plans, I was still struggling with accepting the rejection that I so strongly felt. I was embarrassed, I was frustrated with myself, and I inevitably felt like I just wasn’t good enough. I spent multiple days pouring out my tears and feelings to God, and then spent twice as long allowing Him to pour back into me. And I found that something beautiful happens when you surrender your pride to the Lord. You begin to see yourself the way He does. Because your pride is made up of your own thoughts of yourself, when you give it up, God shows you His own thoughts of you. And suddenly the frustration, the embarrassment, and the rejection start to dwindle. Because I know that my Father is still proud of me. I know that He still loves me. And I know that He has a plan for me that involves giving me the deepest desires of my heart. And if I live in the mindset that God is always good to me, then I will see rejection as an opportunity to grow.
I was originally too embarrassed to tell anybody that I didn’t get into my program, much less write a blog about it and post it on the internet… But the Lord has shown me that there’s freedom in vulnerability and even though my hands are trembling as I’m about to post this, I’m going to do it anyways because maybe, just maybe, there’s someone out there who needs to hear it. And of course I have to end off with my life anthem “Trust In You” by Lauren Daigle because it never fails to get me through the toughest of times:
“Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go
You’ve not already stood
When You don’t move the mountains
I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust
I will trust in You”
Thank you for reading 🙂 I love you all so deeply! Stay tuned for a future blog about what my team and I have been up to!
