Debrief was the end of a chapter in my life; the end of our ministry in Nicaragua, and the end of Regnum Dei, my first team.
Honestly, it was a really hard week for me. Between the mostly sleepless nights spent soaking in the last memories of being on Regnum Dei, finding healing and resolution with one of my brothers, and being assigned to a new team…an all women team.
Those of you who know me closely know that I was shocked when I was first assigned to a co-ed team, as I was one of the few girls on the squad who actually wanted to be on an all women team. But my heart has been changed in that over the last two months; I’ve seen that guys can be great friends, amazing brothers, and hanging out with them can be a blast. Plus, the dynamic of being in a group of three girls on a co-ed team is pretty much the best thing ever. So saying goodbye to both my team, and co-ed teams in general has really been rough.
I miss Devin; the humility and wisdom he leads in, how he knows the answer to any question ever, or at least find the answers.
I miss David; his willingness to speak in front of a group of any size.
I miss Josiah; his lighthearted fun, but also his desire to become intentional in his words and actions.
I miss Jacob; his love for adventure and adrenaline, and the way he pursues God unashamedly with everything he has.
I miss Katie; the way she loves fiercely whether you think you want her love or not, and her protective, mama bear spirit.
I miss Lindsay; her incredible ability to get us from point a to point b, not only alive but also on time.
I miss Girl Time; eating a liter of ice cream right out of the container while watching movies on a laptop, or getting on a bus to go adventure together, surprising the guys with a trip to Pizza Hut when we were under budget, or making and eating a whole plate of plantains without them when we were home alone.
I miss the games of coup and ninja. I miss the endless discussions amongst the guys about lord of the rings or avatar, and listening to David argue about his diet decisions. I miss how we all brought different things to the table in our spiritual walks, whether through our styles of praise, our views on toungs and the Holy Spirit, or just the way we walk through life.
I’m so thankful that God gave me a team that I became so incredibly comfortable with in my first two months. A team that just let me be me, taught me how to walk in my identity and in freedom, and loved me so deeply and completely.
Walking into this new chapter of the race is scary. I don’t really know anyone on team Hosannah very well. It’s an all ladies team, something that I (surprising even to myself) didn’t want to be on right now. I don’t know how they will respond to me as a human being or as a replacement treasurer. But something God keeps telling me is to go all in with them. And really thats all I want; to fall in love with them, just as deeply as I did with Regnum Dei, and go to a different and deeper level than I could on a co-ed team. I want to serve them and walk with them. I love them like crazy already and I can see Jesus is each one of them in how they love each other and as they’ve helped me to grieve my old team.
Something thats come up again and again for me is my brokenness. I’m a mess, okay? Thats something I’m okay with, because I’ve walked through so much healing in the last two months, and I know that God is going to continue that. But in a different sense, my heart has been broken into a million pieces and left in all sorts of places around the world. Pieces are still in South Africa with the Shrocks and the BMW students there, in Tanzania and all around the states with all my FTMs, family, and friends. Big pieces are with my students in Costa Rica, and with Jeison, Randy, Jamie, as well as Pastor and Pastora and all the others who invested so deeply in us there. Even more pieces are in Nicaragua, with my ladies and our host family and all of the boys. And now with each of my teammates who are scattered through Rwanda. But the crazy thing is that the more I give my heart away and the more it hurts, the more I want that connection. I don’t want to back away from the pain. I want to run into it with open arms because through that same pain I can see that its worth it. It is so worth it. And God just keeps filling me up every time I come to the end of myself!
I think this must be what being a racer is all about. Letting God break you apart and put you back together time and time again. Pulling closer to him in the pain.
He has big things for this next team. I’ve felt it, and all of us have expressed that feeling to each other. We are going to be challenged in ways we didn’t even know we needed to be. We are going to love each other in the hard times and be a picture of Jesus. We are going to serve, preach, and teach to the best of our abilities and when we run out of words, the Holy Spirit is going to show up and speak through us. Because God is good. He’s kind. He’s a paradox and a mystery, and yet so simple that children can understand him. He wants to use us and has called each of us for such a time as this. (PS that includes all of you at home. Your ministry is where you are right now. You don’t need to be overseas to be Jesus to the people around you.)
Thank you for making it to the bottom of this long, emotional, processing blog of mine. Team Hosannah and I are safely in Rwanda and settling into our ministry here, which I’ll talk about more in a later blog. I love and miss you all! Wifi is a long walk away, so contact is going to be harder than in the past months, but please feel free to reach out through email or commenting here or on FB or whatever means of communication you like. I love you all and hearing from you makes my heart smile.
Prayer requests:
We are going to be teaching three different age groups english for the next two months, and preaching at least five times a week. Both of those things are kind of terrifying. So continued prayers for God to step in and speak through us, to give us the words that need to be shared, and just an overwhelming love for everyone we come in contact with are coveted and appreciated.
I’ve been eaten alive by mosquitos. (Don’t worry, I’m taking anti malarial meds) Pray that I can find a bug net for cheap, because the bug repellent sleeping bag liner I have DOES NOT repel these mosquitos!! Also for all of our health in general. We know that God can use our weakness to glorify himself, but we also don’t want to be hindered in our service.
