Before I go on the race and live out this purpose God has planned for me, I want you all to know me. Truly know me in my worst, so that we can all appreciate each other in our brokenness. Just because I am going on the world race does not mean I am this perfect Christian figure. I want you all to know, that God gives each and every one of us a purpose and we do not have to be equipped for that purpose.
God does not call the equipped, but he equips the called.
Let me begin by telling you that no matter what situation you are in, no matter what you are doing or how you are acting, there is nothing you can do that will make God love you any less.
I used to think that if I drank or went to parties or crossed the line with the opposite sex I would not be adequate enough to be loved by God. I felt judged by God and I felt judged by everyone who went to church. I felt out of place. I felt like I was already in too deep.
I would constantly tell myself:
“God can’t love someone who isn’t pure. God can’t love someone who would rather party on a Saturday and wake up Sunday morning too hungover to go to church. God can’t love someone who can be mean and hateful.”
Boy was I wrong.
Let me tell you a little bit about my testimony. A part of my testimony that hopes to help someone out there who feels that they can’t be loved by Jesus or love God because their life does not match up to His life or that they aren’t good enough or pure enough.
High school and college hit you hard, man. They are tough. It is so hard to find your identity when you are searching for it in other people. When I was in high school I let other people dictate how I acted. I wanted to be cool and I wanted people to like me. Those are the only two things I cared about. I could care less if that meant I had to be mean to people or hate a certain group of people. Whatever it took. High School and College I was introduced to the party scene. Drinking. Sexual encounters. Trying to get in with the cool crowd. I just wanted to fit in. To try things out. I knew there was a God and I went to church on Sundays, but there was no way in heck you would catch me giving up the lifestyle I was living. It was fun. Plus, to love God, you have to stop drinking, stop having sexual encounters, and basically stop having fun. Am I right? –wrong again.
My definition of fun was actually, not the real definition of fun at all. I don’t think fun is supposed to have regret. I don’t think fun is supposed to make me feel guilty. I don’t think fun is supposed to make me feel empty. Having fun does not mean having your friends tell you all the things you wish you wouldn’t have done the night before. Those things don’t sound fun at all. More than anything, those things made me feel like less of a person. Sure, I laughed and pretended like it was all fun, but deep down, I felt worthless.
4 years. 4 years I searched for identity. 4 years I continuously tried to be TRULY happy in what I was doing. Why did I always feel like there was so much more for my life?
BECAUSE THERE WAS.
You know those feelings you get? When something just doesn’t feel quite right? That feeling of trying to fill a void with alcohol, relationships, and partying and it just ISN’T WORKING NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY. Yea, that was God. I did everything in my power to believe it was NOT God. With God comes judgement and purity and pretending like you are better than everyone else and I wanted no part of it.
The coolest thing about God though, is He just does not stop. He wanted me so bad. He wanted to show me that I could fill those voids with Him. That I could feel free again. That I didn’t have to drink, or be physically involved with the opposite sex, or feel accepted in the cool crowd. He wanted me to feel peace. Actually He wanted me WELL before I was even born. So much so that he took his only son and allowed him to die…DIE for me.
There is a lie that I continuously told myself that made me so closed off to being with God. That lie was that I had to pretend like I was better than everyone else and that I was never going to connect with any of the people at church because they think they are better than me. Let me be real with you though, I have never EVER EVER felt so accepted by people who love Jesus. WE ALL SIN! WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES! We are all in this together and that is exactly how they make me feel. With no judgement at all. If you are struggling with it there is a 100% chance that someone who loves Jesus has or currently struggles with it too. With that being said…
God continuously fought for me. He continuously made me feel like there was a part of me missing. So I made the choice. I made the choice to just do it. Just follow Him. If I didn’t feel any better, than I could just go back to my old life! Just like that.
And just like that, I never turned back.
Why?
No one on earth has ever made me feel worthy enough to be loved like God did. People have loved me incredibly well, treated me with respect, and spoke encouragement consistently. But I have always been on guard for the slightest break in their actions to confirm the lies I told myself. No matter where we’re at or how bad we may have blown it, the truth is, is that God’s love is unconditional. It will always be there no matter how bad you think you messed up. Knowing that alone made it that much easier to give up my old life and to want a new life. I actually WANTED to obey and honor God because of all the things He had done for me already. For once, I was genuinely excited for my future, knowing that whatever came my way, good or bad, I could conquer it knowing that Jesus was on my side.
Leaving my old life behind was still so incredibly difficult. It’s not easy to lose friends because you don’t get drunk anymore. It’s not easy to lose that feeling of acceptance because you want to love Jesus. It’s not easy to steer away from lust and sexual desires.
Mind you, I did not get rid of all these things because I HAD to. So many people believe that if you follow Jesus you have to give up everything that is fun. –wrong once again.
God doesn’t want something from us, he simply just wants us. Because of my new love for Jesus and his constant love for me, I found other things fun. It’s not that drinking and partying were all of a sudden boring, but that I learned to have fun and get that adrenaline from things that didn’t deceive me. I got the same high from loving Jesus, but without the regret. I got the same feeling of admiration, without searching for it in a man that only wanted me for my body. I got the same feeling of acceptance, without the constant pressure to fit in and instead to just be myself. Be myself. Something I hadn’t felt in 4 years.
Jesus loves me…for me. Not for my ability to shotgun a beer. Not for my ability to perform in a bedroom. Not for my ability to have the biggest friend group. But because I’m Hannah. That’s all it takes. Do you know how much peace that brought to me? Knowing I didn’t have to bring anything but myself. Stop trying to impress people. The only person you have to impress is God and he is already so incredibly impressed by you.
Every day God thinks of you.
Psalm 68:19
Every hour God looks after you.
2 Thessolonians 3:3
Every minute God cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7
Because every second He loves you.
Jeremiah 31:3
