As I sit in the upstairs deck of our cozy home that sits in the bug-infested, lush rainforest of Costa Rica, I’m surrounded by friends and squad mates passing by. whispers of a squad mate having dengue virus float around and I can’t help but wonder what life could’ve been. I think of the day we moved here and a teammate and I joked it was “college move in day” as we hung up pictures on our 1.5 foot space of wall we can call “ours”. I wonder what life will look like this time next year. My prayer remains this: that I continue to see the glory of the Lord in every grand display of His creation. That I desire him in my every moment the way I do now, and that abandonment continues to be an every day ask.
in order to come on the race, we had to first sign a commitment form. commitment to fight for community, be kingdom minded, govern ourselves, and abandonment are some of the included points. it quickly became a joke as days went by. “COVENANT!!” And “ABANDONMENT” are commonly heard with giggles following close behind. Here, abandonment can mean a lot of things. It can mean abandoning your plan for cultures who don’t plan as much, abandoning your comfort for day long bus rides or alone time with your own bed. it can mean abandoning your flesh for 2 mile walks to the beach with your team at 4 AM or picking up a rake to spend 6 hours in the midst of poisonous snakes. it can even mean something as seemingly little as abandoning any communication with the outside world most weeks. Technically, the moment I get on the plane to go back home, I’m off of covenant. My mind no longer has to pass through thoughts and battles of dying to flesh or what feedback will look like this week.
with everything in me, I pray my abandonment only gets more dangerous. I pray that I wake up every day and say, “Lord. I choose abandonment today. I abandon every comfort, want, or plan to love like You and bask in your glory all day.” WOW!! what an absolute PRIVILEGE it is to abandon everything I have to look more like Jesus. I pray I begin to pick up abandonment in place of comforting apathy everyday. I pray I jump for joy at the thought of watching security crumble. whether that security means the place I call home or not shying from sharing truth when the Lord calls me to, my earnest prayer is “Jesus, I want you more than life. I need your love like I need water.” (Psalm 63:3 because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.) DANG! Jesus, I want to deny everything my heart knows of the world and pick up your cross to stand in its place. (Luke 14:26 if anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. Matthew 16:24 if anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life would lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.) And you know what’s the greatest part? It’s never has to be out of obligation. It can be out of simple overflow every time. (John 15:11 these things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and your joy may be full.)
So, over the whispers of dengue virus and the sweet smell of plantain chips being made, I wonder what next year will look like. Abandonment will not look the same. It might not look like a missionary in another country. It might not look like church services in Spanish or not having a toilet for three months. It might look more like a college student on the way to class or a minimum wage employee in the middle of Virginia. But no matter what the Lord has, I pray it does look like risk. I pray it looks like dying to self so that Christ can be my only boast. (Galatians 6:14 far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.”)
So, yes, I signed a commitment. I signed a commitment the day I told Jesus that the cost was everything. (Philippians 3:7-8 “but whatever gain I had, I counted a loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.”) I signed a commitment to be in absolute awe of my Father every day. I signed a commitment that doesn’t expire when I reach 20,000 feet, but rather one that reaches all the way to wholeness with Christ. I want to sign that commitment every day, every breath, every conversation, and every moment. Jesus, sign me up.
Philippians 1:21 “for me to live is Christ, to die is gain”
Psalm 90:14 “satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, so that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.”
