I write this as I sit on top of the recycling bin in the Lynchburg, VA target. I’ve been sitting here for about 5 minutes people-watching and contemplating why looking at an automatic flushing toilet just made me angry. Going home for Thanksgiving has been such sweet time with family, don’t get me wrong. I’ve seen ministry opportunities within my own household and have loved resting with the Lord here. Somewhere in the in-between, though, I have found myself longing for the way my back hurts from my sleeping pad and sweet spontaneous worship sessions before quiet hours. “5 days! Only 5 days!” was the phrase stuck in my head until I opened my email yesterday. “…go back virtual from now until your scheduled arrival back to campus in January.” Suddenly, 5 days becomes 6 weeks. Suddenly, I’ll never say goodbye to the team leaders that are scheduled to leave in two weeks. Suddenly, AIM base is no longer a home to look forward to going back to. and I can’t help but feel angry and confused all at once. it’s not the plan. Just like going to Gainesville wasn’t plan. Just like being in the states right now wasn’t the plan.
After quite literally crying out to God for a couple hours, I am reminded of the sweet sweet sovereignty and intentionality of God. Honestly, I never want to go to a place that is Lord-ordained and only think of the countdown of days until I can get out. He’s intentional. Which means everywhere I go is opportunity to experience and share more of Him. Why would I want to pass up His perfect plan? Even if every plan is not what it was supposed to be in my eyes, He’s still so faithful. This community and growth was never a promise, but a gift. I bask in the wonder of what the future can hold. Of the new heights and depths of Christ I will begin to experience through the next 6 weeks. He’s so kind! So so kind! Through disappointment and happiness the same, the king of the Universe sits on His throne and calls me His child. I am blown away by all He’s teaching me while I cling to Him through seasons like this. All I ever want is to earnestly seek Him. (Psalm 63) All I want is to go where He wants me to. (Proverbs 16:9; Acts 8:26-40; Isaiah 61) The sanctification that this season holds excites me. (2 Timothy 2:21; Galatians 2:20) Wow! My sole desire is to know Him and look more like Him! (Colossians 3:1; Philippians 4:8) Whatever the cost! I’ve tasted and seen that the Lord is good. (Psalms 34) I want more of that. (Psalm 119:10) So, this isn’t the plan. It never was. I expected to hug my leaders goodbye and beyond that, I expected to be moving to India shortly. It’s not what I dreamed of and its not what I asked for. But the Lord knows me so much better. He’s so sovereign. He’s so faithful, kind, good, and better than anything I could ever imagine. And I’m in the palm of His hand. I hold His hand! (Psalm 129:10; Psalm 73:23) I’m covered by His holy presence. Through highs and lows. Through heartaches and joys. and I can trust that it will end in good. (Romans 8:28) I can trust that even if this happened for the 1 He had to chase after, it’s worth it. (Matthew 18:12) This year, I’m learning a lot about dealing with dissappoinment. I’m learning how sinful I really am. I’m longing to be sanctified and to see Jesus. I’m learning how all the glory can’t even maybe be mine. It’s all His. Every joy and disappointment is His. Through all this, though, there is joy. Not even just a glimpse of it, but FULLNESS of it. (Psalm 16:11)
Lord, vindicate me. Consecrate and sanctify me. All I want is You.
On that note, please be praying for my squad and me! It’s hard not to be with the people you’ve been with every second (like. every one.) for the last three months. It’s hard for us to explain what the Lord has been doing too, so be praying for God appointments and Holy Spirit to flow from us. Be praying for our launch to Costa Rica on January 5th! Thank you all for continually supporting me. It means so much.
– Hannah!
