So an expectation for me was that I would consistently blog this crazy journey of mine. Friends, family, and supporters could see how the Lord moves in such marvelous ways. They would see how much I’ve grown in my relationship with Christ and hear about all the fun cultural experiences I’ve taken part in. However if you follow my blog you all know that hasn’t happened. Let me explain why. I could have easily blamed it on being tired and busy, or lack of good WiFi but I would be lying. The last three months the Lord has challenged me in ways I’ve never been challenged before. Four months ago I left behind the comforts of home so that I could go and make disciples of all the nations.
When I was in America I was at a place where my heart was on fire for the Lord. Nothing could stop me from seeking HIm. As soon as I stepped into the Dominican Republic I was on the battlefield with the enemy. Without those comforts from home I was unable to cope with my problems and I was forced to face them head on. I found myself asking the Lord to reveal Himself to me over and over. I just wanted to know that He could hear my voice. Time and time again people would come to me saying that they had a word from God. The message was very encouraging and full of truth but rather than that being enough for me I was confused as to why He would speak to His other children but not me. Was I not good enough? Over the course of the month I found myself becoming frustrated with God. How could I blog about that? No one wants to hear such a discouraging testimony. I’m here to grow in my faith not question it. As month two approached I discovered some underlying feelings I hadn’t yet taken to the Lord. I tried to forget about them and move on. Unfortunately it was keeping me from fully trusting Him and those around me. One night in Haiti my teammates and I were sitting in the Ark. (The playground had a giant ark.) We were laying down under the stars and I told my teammates how angry I was with God. I told them where the root of my distrust came from.
The day Lauren and I got chased by a cow, Ashley caught on fire, and Amanda stepped in poop…twice. -Dominican Republic
When I was a kid I would write prayers to God asking Him to heal me of my Tourette’s. I remember reading the Bible verse, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed nothing is impossible.” When you’re a child, faith is as simple as just believing, or so I thought. When I realized that God didn’t heal me I became bitter. I thought He was supposed to stay true to His Word. Why am I not good enough for you to love me? At that moment I lost trust in the Lord and if I couldn’t trust Him then how could I trust anyone? After discovering that, I still wasn’t over my bitterness towards Him for ignoring me when all I’ve ever tried to do was grow closer to Him. I told myself that I hate Him. In doing that, I isolated myself from Him and isolated myself from my teammates. I pondered for days on the idea that I could be wasting my time on something that’s just a load of rubbish. I remember one night I was finally getting ready to let go of my journey trying to pursue Him. I sat in bed while everyone else was sleeping and I decided to just listen to some music to take my mind off of everything. On my playlist the song “Rescue” by Lauren Daigle began to play and in that moment I felt like every word was written for me. Something about hearing that song kept me from letting go of Him. Call me crazy but even through my frustration and lack of understanding, I continued to press into Him.
My friend Donly from Baptist Haiti Mission
Going into South Africa, I was still following Him blindly. I still felt like I couldn’t hear from the Lord and that He was ignoring me. Going into our third week of ministry I was sick, and my body was tired. On the verge of burnout we found out that my team would be doing a leadership camp for junior high students. I literally cried out loud. I asked my squad mentor, “Why, why us?” I was frustrated because I knew that this would be a week where I would have to pour into these children. The only problem was that I felt like I didn’t have anything to give them. My cup was empty. I felt like the last three months I was giving and giving but God wasn’t refilling my cup or empowering me. It was like He kept kicking me when I was already down. You know how Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Yeah well after that really hard and stretching week at camp I could see what He was doing. Leaving Jeffrey’s Bay, South Africa, I felt like I could trust and rely on my teammates. Friendship was formed and the body of Christ was strengthened. As I was getting ready to head into Botswana I had this overwhelming feeling come over me and I realized that I have been healed. God may not have physically healed me but, he took all of my pain, hurt, and brokenness and turned it into something beautiful. I am still working on this newly discovered freedom and I’m becoming more bold in sharing my struggles with others who have a hard time trusting or forgiving God in this area.
Jeffery’s Bay, South Africa
A lie from the enemy was that I shouldn’t blog about what I am going through. I thought I would lose supporters and that nobody wanted to hear about the struggles. People would only read something happy and comfortable. The truth is, walking in faith is a difficult journey. Time and time again, we stumble and are constantly being attacked by the enemy in day to day life. Don’t be discouraged.
