I know I already gave a brief summary of training camp, but one experience in particular was breathtaking/lifechanging.
So let me set the stage.
We had been camping together for a few days (three, I think?). It was time for evening worship. I was stoked. My heart’s cry – my anthem – had been “God, use me. I’m not perfect but I’m here. I make myself completely available to you. Take junk out, move stuff in…. Equip me… Do whatever you have to do, but if you CAN use me, I beg you to use me.” I feel this anthem so strongly that tears come to my eyes even as I type this out. You have no idea what He has brought me through – oh, the heartbreak I’ve gotten myself into! And he’s so faithful to get me out and redeem what’s broken.
But that’s not the point of this post.
I was in worship – it was wonderful – and my heart was just crying out that anthem over and over and over again. “Change me. Use me. I’m yours.”
Worship paused. The music slowed and a speaker (WHADDUP JEREMY) got on stage. “I don’t want to weird any one out, but we’re about to do something that may seem strange at first, but it’s been a huge part of my life and how I relate to the Father now.” (Referring to God)
I was like, “Okay…” I needed more info before I drew any conclusions.
Further instructions came, “There will be people all around the room who have been trained to stand in the place of someone who may have hurt you, or neglected you. If you feel comfortable just walk up to them and they’ll hug you. They’ll pray over you as the Holy Spirit leads… To bring healing.”
Nope.
I repeat – NOPE.
I was not doing this.
A solid NOPE in my spirit. (Hahaha.)
A teaching on forgiveness had been right before this.Two people in particular had come to mind. People I had forgiven, but who’s actions had caused a lot of pain and injury. I knew I probably had to forgive them more. *insert eye roll* Hadn’t we done this before?! I asked God to help me forgive them – once more. I felt a shift in my heart. I had forgiven them already. But the pain – it was still there. It still hurt too much. I needed HEALING.
So why the big “NOPE”?
I was tired.
Scratch that – EXHAUSTED.
“Do you know how much baggage that is to sort through, God? It’s a lot!” I would work on it later. Not now, in front of all these people. Not bringing someone else into my pain. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. Just NOPE.
… Insert a major staring contest between me and God… Him, all patient, and me, all stubborn. Finally I “blinked”.
OKAY FINE. I’ll do it.
I practically stomped over to one of my squad leaders. He smiled and gave me a bear hug. And I just sat there, waiting for the words I JUST KNEW were coming: “FORGIVE THEM, MORE HANNAH. JUST DO IT. HERE’S SOME HEALING. YOU’RE ALL FIXED NOW.” or some other mind blowing religious experience.
That is not what happened.
God spoke to me, personally. He said things I cannot repeat – mostly because they went straight into my spirit. He spoke to ME as a person. A little girl who just wanted to be loved and accepted and cherished. The ME that I used to be – the ME that he created me to be. Not the hardened “me” that the world has urged me to be.
I can’t repeat the words that were spoken to me – mostly because they didn’t make it into my journal, and also because they were just too personal to me to repeat. The words did, however, make it into my spirit. I felt known by God. I felt seen by God. I felt deeply cared for and adored by my Papa who just wanted to sit with me and enjoy me. I could sense him sharing my burden – feeling my pain. He didn’t want to “fix me”. He just wanted to hurt next to me, with me. He just wanted to hold me. At this point my gentle tears had turned to wracking sobs. I have never felt so known, so seen, so loved, so accepted, so much peace through the hurting.
I am known. I am seen. I am hurting and that’s okay.
