A conversation between me and God recently went something like this.
“But God, it’s so big!”
“I am bigger.”
.
“But God, it’s so much!”
“I own the cattle on a thousand hills.”
(He’s quoting scripture at me now, which means he knows I KNOW my excuses are just that – excuses.)
.
“But God, what if I can’t?”
(Here I combine two of the world’s worst phrases for success: “what if”, and “I can’t”. Not to mention I’ve said “But God” like 5 times more than any smart human should.)
“Hannah, Daughter. What if that’s the point?”
His response shook me. It seeped into my soul and infiltrated my thoughts. It trickled down to my heart.
What if that WAS the point????
I had spent so much time praying for the trip – for my team, my family in my absence, my heart during the trip, my body during the trip. I never thought that the biggest preparatory action would be fundraising. I mean, I did – fundraising is the make-or-break requirement once your application is accepted. Fundraising provides answers to all your physical needs for a year – before you need them.
But I never realized the most crucial aspect of fundraising – being so far out of your depth that only God can break you through, only God can answer your prayer, only God. ONLY GOD. My reliance must be on Him for this trip. I must completely trust him – out of my country and far past my comfort zone – only God can keep me safe and warm and clothed and fed. The same applies to the USA, but I rarely realize it. Caught up in a fantasy of “safe environments” I think I control my outcome. I don’t. But I like to think that I do. A very loved family recently lost one of their beautiful and sweet daughters, suddenly. She died without even a hint that their “safe environment” was going to shatter wide open and cause the biggest heart break they‘ve ever known.
The truth is that none of us have the time that we plan to have. If God wants me to go on this world race, I am confident he will provide the funds. He has to… I know I can’t.
