I have been fully funded.
Holy crap I’m Fully FUNDED!!
I’m in so much shock and disbelief
I thought it wouldn’t happen. I honestly prayed for it and in the moment I had faith that it would happen. Although I was quick to doubt. I had so many confirmations from God. So many promises to me that he would provide.
He just kept telling me from day one, don’t you want me to provide for you? Isn’t that what you pray and ask from me?
Then why do not stick to faith?
Why do you doubt me? What more could I do for you ? I have saved you from the world, I died for you, then promised you power over it. Why do you still doubt me?
While I have been on the race I have struggled with so many old wounds I never knew I had. I never knew that I held so much hurt still so close to my heart. That pain was forming walls and lies to “protect me”.
I have fought every single lie God has brought to my attention. Everytime he brought a lie to me that I believed was a truth in my life, I didn’t want to let it go. For example: you are and always have to be an extrovert or else people won’t like you. That’s why people like you, nothing more. God is/ has been relentless with me. He has pursued me more than I have ever felt in my life. When I tired to use one of my walls or lies to protect myself from the hard things he has been doing to my heart or personality, he takes that wall or lie and carries it to his sons feet nailed to the cross. Making me look at Jesus nailed to a cross in order to pick it back up again.
Jesus died on the cross to set me free from the very things i was trying to hold on to so desperately.
No lie or wall has been worth picking back up again.
Inside of my heart I am broken but so beautifully broken it makes me smile.
Every time He takes something from me I find myself a little bit lighter than I was.
Now for the juice bit. I arrived in India 3 days ago. I never have wanted to go home more than these last 3 days. Why?
I was struggling with (again) whether God really wanted me to be here. How could I really do any good, what was I really doing here?, and my favorite go to doubt: how am I good enough to be what people / God needs me to be?
This struggle hasn’t been this bad until I arrived here. What changed? I have felt such a strong sense of darkness. I wake up at 3 am every morning and feel so much deep fear overwhelming my body that I can’t sleep. I feel like a huge dark figure is luming over me in the dark. My deepest insecurities and fears come to life with such force. It takes hours to go to sleep again.
Tonight feeling uterally defeated and drained from the day, I got to the local cafe to get Wi-Fi.
The last thing I did was look at my blog page, debating whether to write a blog.
I look at the fundraising bar, it was full.
I was fully funded.
In my lowest point emotionally and spiritually God moved mountains and hearts. Someone anonymously gave me the exact amount of money I needed to be fully funded.
Not only that, a couple of months earlier I was given another anonymous donation when God asked me to fast, on day 3 of fasting.
When I think I am at my weakest God is moving heaven and earth in my life.
I have been blessed more than I ever thought I could. Thinking I was undeserving of the money, it was still given in full.
God is reminding me again of the first lesson I ever learned about Jesus. He gave even when we were undeserving. More than that he gave so much more than ever thought possible. Making the impossible possible.
This blog is for who ever those/ that anonymous donator(s) are. But also for those who gave to me consistently. You put it under my name but that money went to someone bigger than me. God is changing not only me because of what you all have given but he is changing the people I get to love and hug everyday.
I will be continuing on to Nepal, Georgia, Armenia, Romania, and walking the El camino in Spain month 11 because of your willingness to support everything that is happening so many miles away from your homes.
Thank you so much for being everything that you are. Truly amazing family and friends.
We did it!!
