Ok so here we go, debrief started on the 5th. Holy crap it has been a few crazy emotional packed days. I’ve been working more on myself in the last few days than the whole last month put together. We have had some great talks from our leadership team, who have flown out to Ecuador to talk with us.
This time has been full of me working through issues I’ve been fighting all month.
A lot of ego and pride.
My pride protects me from a lot and I didn’t even know I had built so many walls with it. I thought It was meant to help but those walls were stopping me from telling people I was struggling with communication, community, and doing my leadership job of treasurer. It kept me from simply asking for help.
I was lead to humble my self in front of the very people I thought I “didn’t like”. Like somehow I had the right to judge them just from meeting them.
I was lead to lay it out in the open. One of our leadership people was the first. I “didn’t like” her. My pride told me, She was a blunt and loud person. I thought to myself, “so much pride she must have.” When she spoke one of the nights, God was striping me down. It was so painful. He pointed at her while she spoke to us. He looked me in the eyes and said you don’t like her because you seen the very things in your self and you don’t want to be reminded of them.
You have pride, you want to control, and you want to be a people pleaser so no one will get close to you. Because you believe that if it came down to it, you could survive alone. BUT YOU KNOW THATS NOT TRUE. You crave people, you want to be wanted but your pride will never let your self get vulnerable.
That hit me like a ton of bricks.
So I met with her. I sat down in a cafe in Ecuador. I told her, to be honest I thought I didn’t like you, but the truth is I don’t like myself.
I don’t like my pride I don’t like feeling weak and my pride makes me think I’m strong.
I confessed to her of my inward feelings towards her that up til that point had stopped me from talking to her sooner as a mentor and leader. I was relieved of a heavy weight I didn’t know I had.
I wasn’t done yet.
Part two the real struggle
The other was someone on my team.
The one that is totally different than me.
Yeah, God pointed at her too that night.
“You have so much to learn from her and you won’t even look at her. You want listen to her.”
I felt so threatened by her confidence in herself and her self awareness. The very things I don’t have as strengths.
God saw right through me and it literally took a month of pain and pride from me to get to the point of letting it go.
I let my pride go, I met with her
I sat down and told her everything I was struggling with. All my issues with her or the things I thought I struggled with her over. She is great at confrontation. I can’t hardly look you in the eye if I have to say something hard.
I sat down, looked her in the eyes and said “I have had so much pride against you, but I know now that I was very wrong. I have caused pain with my words and passive aggressive communication. I know understand that I have to let that go and humble myself in front of both you and God. And ask you for help.”
I asked her to come along side me and teach me how to do not only confrontation in a healthy way but to help me with my pride from ever stoping me from communicating with someone in a healthy way.
That was all just in one day.
I’ve had some pretty heavy few days.
Hahaha I want to tell everyone reading this how much I appreciate them.
I would not be here learning any of this if it wasn’t for those of you who have supported me. Thank you so much.
