Over Christmas break, I had the opportunity to attend the Student Leadership Summit in Chicago. Over 8,000 catholic college students gathered at this incredibly moving event, put on by the Fellowship of Catholic University Students. The purpose of this 5-day congregation was to educate and inspire this generation of disciples to become Catholic leaders.
There were several speakers that shared their powerful testimonies, all discussing their experiences of when God met them where they were, with the ‘messy love,’ they had left to give Him. This message resonated so well with me, because I too had that same sort of encounter with the Lord at the beginning of the school year.
For the last few years I was battling the concept of having two identities. And at this point I was exhausted, felt empty, and guilty. I have always been one that shamefully thrived on the approval from others. I ‘liked being liked.’ But in order to fulfill that desire, I needed to ‘be like everyone,’ and not truly myself.
During some times, I was the ‘cool party girl’ who posted her fun life on snap chat, and at other times I was the saint-like Holy girl, who talked to God often and read at church. Both entities contradicted each other in some way or another. I felt that I ‘had at all,’ but in reality I obviously did not.
I was flying home from Charleston in September and realized it was time to try something new. Because being perfect wasn’t working anymore. For one of the first times, I prayed not because I wanted something from Him, but instead because I wanted to give myself to Him.
I knew that if I fully surrendered to God, I would have to face all of the wounds I had buried deep inside myself. I knew that listening to His plan meant that I had to let go of mine.
With the help of a counselor, spiritual advisor, and some great friends, I prioritized myself. I healed by rebuilding my purified, transparent, flawed and confident identity.
Completely opening myself up to God was scary. I told Him everything; all of the sins, struggles from within, parts of my past I couldn’t forgive, and my anxieties about the future. I took a deep breath every morning and continually worked on giving myself grace. And let me tell you, in just over four months, He has already transformed my life.
I had thought that by listening to Him, and allowing the Holy Spirit to radiate through my daily life, I would have to lose a lot. And I was right. But, not in a negative connotation. I had to break some old habits, which was painful, but ultimately rewarding. This didn’t mean I couldn’t be social and swear off the bar, but instead meet that atmosphere with the right intentions and crowd.
I think there’s so much fear that if you allow God to be the center of your life, then you will have to get rid of all the fun aspects that currently embody you. I also think that many feel so much pressure to be sin-free to walk in His light. These harsh and untruthful perceptions are what keep people away from God. And that’s why it took so long for me to come to terms with the reality of who He actually is. He’s a forgiver. An open ear at all hours. A trustworthy friend. And most importantly to me, a lover who will never leave.
Shortly after I said, YES, to Jesus Christ he placed the World Race on my heart. And here we are. I now strive for kindness and an acceptance letter to heaven. I’m working on making the world a better place, rather than just my social media feeds. I’m trying to glorify God and allow Him to take me to whoever He feels needs His love.
October, I can hardly wait for you. #11in11
