I want to start by apologizing for not updating my blog in a few weeks. I committed to posting once a week back in October and that was not fulfilled this month. I value the importance of sharing what the Lord is doing out on the field with the people who matter most, the one’s who helped get me out here… aka YOU! So from my heart to yours.. I’m sorry.
This month has been one I will never forget. Novi Sad, Serbia is absolutely beautiful. The history speaks volumes through the various pastel colored buildings in the city center. My team has been living and serving at a protestant church. All of the members have been extremely kind and welcoming. I have felt abundantly loved. Our ministry has primarily been focused on working with the youth, and doing outreach in the community to grow the group. Youth are anywhere from early high school to college. These young people are living out the gospel in beautiful ways, and it has been an honor to come alongside them this month.
God has been doing so much transformational work on my soul over the last six months, and this month has been pinnacle in understanding a lot of the reason why. Being on the field has been the most uncomfortable experience of my life. Up until this point, I have been able to stay pretty broken because of the great numbing strategies I developed. Instead of looking to the Lord to fill the deserted parts of my heart, I turned to my comforts.. shopping, nails, drinking, unhealthy relationships, looking perfect, hustle, hustle, hustle. I didn’t know there was so much hurt inside until I left all of those tactics in America. I have had no choice but to sit in front of God and really face brokenness. And at the same time, live in 24/7 community. Needless to say there have been some challenging days. And I wouldn’t have changed a thing.
In this process of self-transformation, God has been shifting my focus, my desires, my dreams, my goals, my heart. He has held my hand as I owned some hard moments of the past, and showed me how to truly forgive others, and myself. He has taught me what dependency in Him not only looks like, but how it feels. It’s an honor and a privilege to receive my daily bread from Him. That usually looks like a cup of instant coffee early in the morning. We spend about an hour together. There’s thanksgiving, some scripture reading and some conversation. I ask questions, and then He leads me to answers. Sometimes this takes 5 seconds, sometimes 5 months. He calms my heart and sustains my joy for the next 24 hours. I’ve learned why we’re called to need DAILY bread, because it only lasts for a day. I NEED that special time with JC to get me through this uncomfortable and simply incredible life.
My friend, Britt let me borrow one of her books this month, Present – over – Perfect. This tells a very real and personal story of a similar self-discovery. I felt like I was having a conversation with a close friend while reading through Shauna Niequist’s piece. God spoke to me countless times through this book to put some of the pieces together into who exactly He has created me to be. After breaking down the walls I have built up for years, I felt pretty naked. Not to sound dramatically cliche, but I didn’t know who the reflection in the mirror was anymore. But over the last few weeks, through prayer and this book, I have learned a lot about her.
I am so fulfilled with my daily bread, that I don’t need a lot more to be happy. I love waking up and going to bed early. I love spending time exercising and outside. Fresh air and natural light make all the difference. I don’t check social media more than a couple times a day, nor do I feel that a, ‘like’ is anymore value to me than it’s literal meaning. I actually have been ~stopping to smell the roses~ and they are incredible! I feel like I have found the greatest treasure ever and it’s called freedom.
I still like new clothes, and my nails painted, and a nice glass of wine. I am not a hippie gypsy. I may not even look that different and that’s because my soul has been the one under construction.
Here’s a little expert in the book that touched my heart and really explained everything I felt led to write about.
“What kills a soul? Exhaustion, secret keeping, image management. And what brings a soul back from the dead? Honesty, connection, grace. Whatever you’ve achieved, wherever you’ve arrived- a dollar amount in the bank, a number on the scale, that aware or promotion or perfect house- whatever it is, if in order to get there, you laid your soul down, believing it was unnecessary baggage, or an acceptable sacrifice, I’m here to tell you, with great love and tenderness, that you’re wrong; and that I’d love to take you by the hand, and walk back as far as we need to, down the road of your past, to find it, like a sweater you dropped walking to class, like a scarf that slipped off your shoulders unnoticed.”
While Shauna tells the reader that she is happy to be that person, I am here to tell you that God is right there waiting to be it for you. He wants you to have that same freedom to truly be the daughter or son He’s created you to be. Free of anxiety, stress, and deep-rooted insecurities. And that’s truly only possible, if your soul is open to some change.
Thank you for taking the time to not just read this blog, but love me enough to. I have never valued home as much as I have been thousands of miles away from it. I have more blessings than I deserve, and you all are in my prayers tonight. xo
