For years, I chased temporary shallow titles that always expired. Most of my life, I have craved approval from others, naturally wanting to obtain any leadership role I could. Because I thought when I had that title, I then could be proud of myself. I have always depicted a leader as someone who is outgoing, energetic and the center of attention. I always strived to have those qualities when I was in a group. Because of that, I often got noticed, thus having various roles. It wasn’t until I lost all of those ‘masks’ around my sophomore year of college, that I finally broke down and began my intimate walk with the Lord. Through Him, I’ve found new purpose and fulfillment that never runs out. I no longer need to chase any artificial definition for myself, but instead I can run towards Him, and always have a home. Through this experience I have felt a change in my personality. I’m not as loud, or strive for the spotlight, like I used to. I really liked the person I’m becoming, but I didn’t consider myself much of a leader anymore.
I came into training camp without any desire to be in the spotlight. I sat in the back of the room, and really took it all in. Some of the racers felt very comfortable from the beginning and naturally found their way to the front and really captivated the group. I looked up to them and wished I were more outgoing in this type of setting. I was sure that they would fulfill all of the leadership roles, but I didn’t mind, because I didn’t believe that I really had it in me to lead in that way anymore. But the Lord revealed something in me that I didn’t know I was capable of. He actually blessed me with two leadership roles! I am honored to serve my small team as the treasurer, and my whole squad as the co-Beauty for Ashes, women’s ministry facilitator. I was very excited but still secretly didn’t feel that I was worthy of those roles. Those were not truthful thoughts, but they really captivated my mind for the last six weeks.
The last four days I’ve been in Atlanta at the Hilton airport conference center. We trained for our roles and had some facilitated time with our small team, which we will be living with at the various ministries in counties. We were introduced to the art of feedback. This type of communication embodies both empowerment and constructive criticism. My team prayed first and then began telling each other what we felt the Holy Spirit wanted to reveal. One of my teammates shared with me that she believes I am very wise, but sometimes lack the confidence to be bold with my declarations. And In that moment I felt my heart sink. She was right. I realized that the wisdom the Lord has allowed me to develop, by walking through various life experiences, was directly from Him. I am worthy of believing that what I feel in my heart is truth. And if I continue to listen to the lies in my mind, that I am not worthy of these titles, or any roles in life, than I am sacrificing the gift, and thus not glorifying God. MINDBLOWN.
So from this, I have really been able to understand that the Lord has truly created all sorts of leaders. I no longer believe that I have to be a certain type, but instead just have to be myself. I know this sounds cliché, but this was actually a huge break through in my journey of self-love and I’m so blessed to share it with y’all! In less than 24 hours I’ll be in Belize and I could not feel more ready.
XO
