You may be wondering where I’ve been and what’s been going on in my life since my last blog post. It was a good one and it had over 1000 views in less than a week! That was all God…the idea, the words I wrote, the views, everything. So when I sat down at the end of June to write a blog and felt the Lord telling me to “wait“, I knew I needed to wait. I had no idea when or what I would write about when the time came but I assumed it would be an awesome word to help someone else going through a rough time. I was WRONG. This blog isn’t for you, although if you find yourself convicted like I was, I do pray that this blog pushes you to get rid of any competitors in your life. This blog is part of my promise to be vulnerable and share the difficult things in my life over the next year and half as well the amazing things God will do.
Earlier this month, my heart was broken. Not by a family member or a friend, or even a guy. My heart was broken by the realization that God has never been the most important thing in my life. If that statement isn’t shocking to you, I can assure you that it was to me. You see, in preparation for next year, I, along with my mentor and good friend have been going through Experiencing God; an incredible, eye-opening bible study about knowing and doing the will of God. Chapter 7: God Pursues a Love Relationship with You; this one wrecked me, ya’ll.
What really got me was two little questions, “If you knew that all you had in your life was a relationship with God, would you be totally satisfied? If everything else were removed from you, could you be content having nothing but your relationship with God?”. I didn’t even have time to process the questions, I just broke down.
I knew I was being convicted but I was confused because I’ve always thought of God being the most important thing in my life. Most christian’s do, right?! Immediately, I started talking to my sweet Father in heaven and asked Him what He was trying to teach me and what He showed me broke my heart. He made me realize that I have some competitors in my life, that at that moment I wouldn’t be completely satisfied in my relationship with Him if everything in my life was taken from me, and that He is sending me on the World Race to recklessly abandon everything in my life that I hold closer than Him.
This moment was the first time I’ve felt fearful about leaving the country for a year. I’m not scared of living out of a backpack or being surrounded by 6-35 people 24/7 for 330 days in row.. I’m scared of not being able to call my parents everyday to talk to them about what’s going on, about something happening to someone I love while I’m gone and not being here for them, about friendships drying up over the course of a year, and missing friends weddings, and babies being born. There are so many things that I hold close to my heart here at home but God is calling me to be at home where ever He is.
I’m reminded of Abraham being willing to sacrifice his only son without question simply because the Lord asked him too. Can you imagine sacrificing the person you love most in this world? Try it, I’ll wait.. Now imagine being so reliant on your relationship with our heavenly Father that you would be satisfied after sacrificing that person. This reminds me of what I wrote about here when I said I wanted to pick up my cross and follow Jesus. The Lord is showing me that in order to do that I need to surrender everything that I love most and learn to rely solely on Him.
Sacrifice isn’t supposed to be easy, it’s hard, messy, and emotional. But God sacrificed His only son to save every. single. one. of us. My life is His and so is everything else that I hold dear, so why am I so afraid to let it go? The next 5 months will be filled with lessons on sacrifice, reliance, and so many other heart-breaking things as I rely on Him more than I ever have and as scary as that is, I can’t wait to be fully satisfied in Him.
I really didn’t want to write this blog and as I sit here typing through tears I feel so ashamed and unworthy but God is so gracious and loving and He is revealing His plan for my life in the most loving and heart-breaking ways this year.
