Our month in Swaziland started with PVT, or Parent Vision Trip. PVT is where our parents have the opportunity to visit us on the field and join us in ministry for a week. I was so excited to see them, for them to see what the Lord had done in my life since leaving, and for them to experience a glimpse of what my year has been like!
During the months leading up to the Parent Vision Trip, the Lord had been asking me to share my entire testimony with my parents. While some of you may think that isn’t a big deal, it was to me. Growing up, I portrayed this good girl image for the world to see but the truth was, I was living a double life. There were a lot of things in my past that my parents didn’t know about and I was so scared of them thinking less of me because of the choices that I made. I kept asking the Lord if I could leave parts of my story out and He continued to tell me no. I kept arguing with Him and one day He said, “You care more about what your parents think of your story than what I think”. He was right.
The Lord had been telling me all year that He wanted to use my story to reach other people and He had been doing just that! Just two weeks prior, two women were saved immediately after hearing my testimony and the message that nothing can separate us from the love of God! I knew He wanted to continue to use my story to reach people in the future but how could that happen if my parents didn’t even know? I knew I had to tell them the whole story.
I told them on day one. Just rip the bandaid off, right? I was terrified but I had spent so much time in prayer about it and so had my team. I was confident that God was going before me. It was emotional; I mean, I was revealing every big lie I had ever told my parents. I was telling them things that had left me broken for years, things that brought me so much shame and guilt that I didn’t even begin dealing with them until this year. I was telling them things that I felt like they would need to heal from and that was the hardest part for me.
Most kids just sneak around and break the rules while not really caring about the consequences. However, that wasn’t me. From a very young age, I had this fear of disappointing my parents; I never wanted them to see me as anything other than their sweet, Christian little girl. I didn’t start rebelling until my teenage years but when I did, my first instinct was to hide whatever I was doing so I wouldn’t skew my parent’s image that they had of me. If only I had been just as adamant about not disappointing my heavenly Father, I would have saved myself a lot of heartaches.
My life isn’t defined by the years I spent abusing alcohol, smoking pot, or being sexually active. It’s not defined by the brokenness I felt after being in an extremely toxic relationship that left me battling anorexia, zero self-worth, and the guilt and pain of a miscarriage. It isn’t even defined by my arrest at 19, although this was the turning point in my life and still one of the best things that ever happened to me.
My life is defined by the fact that no matter how fast and hard I ran from the Lord, He never stopped chasing me. Nothing in my past is held against me and He loves me with an everlasting love! God is so faithful, He is using my mistakes and shortcomings to give hope to others who think they can’t be saved. If you asked me today what defines my life, I would tell you it’s God’s faithfulness. I don’t want the world to know all the ways that I’ve failed in my past but if I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that my life is not my own. It isn’t my story, it’s God’s story. He can and will continue to use it however He wants. Even if I had the opportunity to go back in time and do things differently, I wouldn’t. My story has led me right where I want to be, living a life of abundance and redemption that only the Lord can offer.
My parents showed me so much grace and I am so thankful for them. They listened as I told them all the failures in my life and when I broke down, they continued to tell me, “It’s ok, whatever it is, it’s ok.” until I had enough courage to continue.
As parents, their first instinct is to ask, “Where did we go wrong?” or “What could we have done different?” but I can tell you that they did nothing wrong and they couldn’t have done anything differently. That goes for every other parent out there that has ever felt that way. My choices were my own, I knew the difference between right and wrong and I chose disobedience to them and to the Lord. The best part about growing up in my home is that I was raised to know the Lord. While I tried to break up with the Lord for a period of time, everything they did as parents led me back to where I am today and I am so incredibly thankful for them! If you see them, remind them what an awesome job they did as parents!
The rest of our week was spent doing children’s ministry, hanging out, worshiping together, and going to a safari where I thought I was going to be eaten by lions! I am so thankful for the time that we had in Swaziland and I hope this wasn’t our last mission trip together!
If you have things in your past that cause you shame, guilt, or brokenness, and you think you can never get over them, you’re wrong. God can redeem your story if you let Him. He can take your shame and guilt, and He can heal your deepest wounds, you just have to lay those things at His feet!
If you want to know more about my story, have questions about anything, or just want me to spend time in prayer for you, please send me an email at [email protected] and I would love to talk with you!
Thankful,
H
