Everything and nothing less…
This is what the Lord asked of me during our last worship night at debrief. The days leading up to this were full of sessions, lessons, listening to the Lord, and tears. So many tears.
I knew coming into this year that there were things I wanted to work on and learn; my spiritual gift of empathy was one of them. My leaders challenged me in different ways with this and because of that, I learned in a really cool way that not only can I feel others emotions, but I can also feel God’s emotions! How cool is that?!
I also learned that I can hear from the Lord in many different ways. We had 2 exercises where we asked the Lord for a word or vision for someone and He didn’t disappoint. Not only did I receive my first ever vision (4, actually!), but the Lord spoke to me through others so clearly that I broke down. In one of the visions I had about myself, I was inside a glass cage holding a baseball bat. I was so angry and tired of being in this cage that I started trying to smash the walls around me with the bat. After I voiced what I was seeing, Taylor, one of my squad leaders said that she had the same vision except Jesus walks up to the glass cage, touches it with one finger and it shatters around me. At that moment, I knew that I had been trying to fix my issues on my own and that I wasn’t ever going to be able to do that as well as Jesus would. It was time to give up the control over my life that I had so desperately clung too.
95% of you reading this have never heard my entire testimony. Honestly, there are only a handful of people that know the entire thing. There are parts of my testimony that I’ve been ashamed of and that still bring me pain and affect my relationships. Because of that, I’ve kept the details in the dark. The Lord reminded me that as long as I keep it in the dark, the enemy will use it against me. While I’m not quite ready to put it on the internet for the world to see, I now have one person that knows every area of my life that I’ve ever struggled in.
During our women’s breakout session, we all participated in an activity called ‘Stand up for your sister’. We all received a paper with Yes and No questions on the front and back pertaining to areas that we have ever struggled with in the past, present, or future. I’m not going to lie, I was terrified to circle one Yes, let alone most of them on the paper. That’s when the Lord stepped in and let me know that this is what I needed to do. So I moved to a corner where no one could see my answers and I circled a whole lot of Yes’. Once we finished, we turned our papers back into our squad mentor with no names on them and she shuffled them up and passed them back out to everyone. At this point, we were each holding someone else’s story in our hands but we didn’t know whose. Our mentor read each question and for every person that had a Yes circled, we would stand up.
Halfway through this, I started to break down. Remember when I mentioned having the spiritual gift of empathy? I could feel every ounce of pain, grief, and shame in that circle and it was all I could do to hold it in. Not only was I no longer afraid how many Yes’ I circled, but I was also blown away by how many of my sisters struggled with the same things and all I wanted to do was love them more because of it. This was the second time that I knew I was experiencing God’s heart. That’s when I realized how God sees us every second of every day. He isn’t ashamed of us because of who we are or what we’ve done. He loves us so much more in spite of those things. He wants to pick us up and hold us and tell us “It’s ok, you are mine and I love you with an everlasting love”. It was the most beautiful, impactful, and emotionally draining thing I’ve ever been a part of. By the time we finished, I knew exactly who had my paper. I knew I needed to tell her so that at least one person knew all the things that I’ve kept hidden in the dark for so long. So I did, and it felt so good.
God reminded me that freedom is MINE, all I have to do is choose to walk in it. So that’s what I did. I chose to let people in so that they can fight for me. I chose to stop letting my past tell me that I’m not worthy of this life that God has called me to. I chose to get baptized and start this journey as a new person. It was beautiful and something that I’ve been wanting to do for a few years but I’ve put off because I didn’t feel worthy. I got to share with my squad what He’s doing in my life and how He’s breaking chains in my life daily. I asked one of my squad leaders that I roomed with in Honduras to baptize me and although she was so excited that she fell in the pool, the moment couldn’t have been more perfect.
Debrief was incredible. It was full of rest and good conversations with my squad. It taught me that you don’t need 11 months on the mission field to find freedom in Christ, all it takes is a 1-second decision. It taught me that the Lord will communicate with us in many different ways if we will just be still and listen. That these people I’m doing life with were hand-picked by the Father to redeem past friendships and relationships.
So many lessons during month 1. Here’s to the next 10 of walking in freedom!
