A couple of days ago I had a mirror meeting with God. I didn't plan it. Trust me, if I had it would have gone a lot differently then what went down.
I was at work using the restroom, I came out to wash my hands. The bathroom was empty, which is not normal, they're usually people going in and out constantly. As I looked up, I started to look at my reflection. I began the usual custom of belittling myself. Hating minute details. Wishing my body was something that it could never be.
"You don't want to be as thin as you think you do."
I jumped and looked around. I was still alone.
I finally realized that God had spoken to me. Clear as day. His words were sharp and cut straight to my heart.
In defense all I could reply was, "Really God? I think I know what I want."
I was wrong.
Since I can remember, I have always been overweight. It was never obvious. As a little kid, you could easily blame it on baby fat. I thinned out some in high school. But a couple steriod treatments for a skin problem and an abusive relationship later, I had gotten uncomfortably overweight. I have lost some weight from that, but not enough to make me happy.
I had planned strict diets. Unhealthy excercising regimes. Flipped my way through one magazine after another, envying the air-brushed women that graced the pages. And for what?
To drown myself in misery.
To kill myself slowly with hurtful words.
To speak against the very body that the Creator breathed life into.
I was blinded.
Lied to.
Seduced.
And then locked into chains I was never meant to be shackled by.
I was trapped in a world of desire and lust, chasing after a two-demensional image of myself that would never suffice for the call of Christ.
There in the deserted bathroom at work I was confronted. Confronted by a God who cares enough to call me out and then pull out the very things that are slowly dragging me to my death.
Later that night, my mind was in million places, but my spirit cried out.
Cried out of the very pit of my stomach, "What is a real woman? How can I be her?"
It struggled their, pushing against the very images of women that I had mentally saved and cataloged to eventually fashion myself after.
Women with seducing bodies, who's images could turn a man's head and instantly be drawn.
Out of all the seeking and looking after of a perfect body, through the pain of self hate and loathing, through all the muck that surfaced from the mirror meeting, I found a root.
I wanted to be desired.
Webster dictionary defines desire as to long or to hope for.
As a young woman, I do not think I am alone in this dream of mine. I believe that there are millions of woman who find there is deep wish to be desired. A longing that someone somewhere will look upon them and desire them. Not in a sexual way. But in a loving way, a way where commitment and protection reign, and being treated like a treasure is a given.
What does a woman of desire look like? What kind of traits does this woman hold?
My spirit was in distress. I couldn't ignore it any longer. So I finally stopped and said, "God, give me an image of true woman."
This is what I got.
She is a woman of substance.
There is more to her than what people see.
She has victory because of her faith.
She has joy.
She finds peace in every situation.
She is determined and fixated on the goal of Christ.
She knows that she is destined.
She is blessed and blesses.
She is sacrificial.
She is a good steward.
She is identified by the name of Christ.
She lives in freedom.
She encourages and worships no matter the circumstances.
She knows the One who created her. She communes with Him and delights in the intimacy given to her through the blood of Jesus Christ.
She is more than an air-brushed, posed, two demensional woman. She is not only desirable, but desired by the Creator.
A couple of months ago I found a verse in Song of Solomon that never really touched me as much as it did during this encounter and stuggle I had with God recently.
If you have ever read Song of Solomon, you might find yourself blushing a little and thinking "I cannot believe this in the bible!" But what you might also notice is the Beloved's desire for His bride and vice versa. I find that it is beautiful and a reflection of what God's relationship should be with us.
So intimate, that He knows everything because you share it with Him. There is a strong attraction and pull for the bride towards the Beloved, but an even more demaning pull from the Beloved to His bride.
He raves about her beauty, calling her the most beautiful woman He has laid eyes on. He knows her, and is experiencing her through each scripture in this book. It is so intimate and out of it blossoms an identity that the bride recieves from her Beloved. The Beloved clothes her in the very words of beauty in life.
The verse that sticks with me, and beckons me to live in the identity of my Beloved is Song of Solomon 4:7. It reads, "My darling, everything about you is beautiful, and there is nothing at all wrong with you."
As I read this verse, my self-hate and loathing melts away.
I imagine God taking me by the hands, and staring at me with such longing, as His words penetrate my heart, cut me deeply and embed themselves within my spirit. He reassures me that He will always be with me. He will never discard me or throw me away. He will always treasure me and complete me with His love. He will strength and empower me. He will protect me from things that come to harm and destroy me. He will always look upon me with utter amazement and desire in the fullness of His love.
I am a woman desired. So are you.
God,
I thank You for the image that You have formed my sisters and I in. I thank You that You have called us out and desired us from the day we were created. I thank You for being intimate with us, and allowing us to be in relationship with You. I praise You for the jealous God You are. For being protective of us. For pursuing us when we walk off. For seeking after us when we have agreed to be intimate with anything other than You. For never giving up on us when we have seemed disinterested or unwilling to be with You. Thank You for being faithful and desiring the things in us that make us righteous and free in You. Thank You for being strong and pushing us to be the woman we were created to be. Thank You for giving us Your name.
Amen.
