Last week I blogged about the fear of rejection and failure and procrastinating to send out my letters. That was before checking my funds account. So that night when I logged into my profile and checked my funds….my mouth dropped open. A smart person would have checked their funding before whining about the fear of not having any support. I however did not do that. I blogged and whined (unknowingly)…with over $1500 in my account. God has a great way of making me put my foot in my mouth. With tears in my eyes I stared at a generous donation from a family member and another generous donation from an anonymous supporter. Which brings me to another point….
Anonymous donations are frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the support so much. But selfishly, I want to know who my support is coming from so I can thank them. Not that I could ever repay them. Grace as defined in the Christian faith is “the free and unmerited (or not deserved) favor of God”. In a sense, anonymous donations are full of grace because I can’t even try to reciprocate their support with a thank you. So I struggle with my pride, constantly. As if knowing exactly who supports me and saying thank you would clear my conscious. As if living a “perfect” life will somehow take Jesus off that cross.
I’m not a crier, but since my funding has grown, since people have shaken my hand saying they will be praying for me, since complete strangers have taken an interest in God’s journey for me, I’ve happy-cried like…10 times, at least. I knew God would show up in the people around me. I knew I would be overwhelmed with love and support. I knew God would make my heart swell in ways it hasn’t before. But I tend to underestimate things so I don’t freak myself out. Let me tell you…I’m freaking out.
My dad said a few weeks ago, “Do you know that feeling where you’re on a roller coaster and you’re almost to the top of the first drop and you’re scared out of your mind but also ridiculously excited? That’s where I am for you right now.” I love that. Because it’s the closest comparison to my inner feelings as I can muster. I am so incredibly excited about this journey. It’s already started inside of me. God’s already moving in my life and we’re still in the preface of this novel.
I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But as my support grows, so does my wolf pack. So to all of my supporters, friends, family…to all of those constantly praying and giving me time and funding…
I love you guys. Welcome to the wolf pack.
