A few weeks ago, my awesome mobilizer called me to check in. She asked how fundraising was going and how my family and friends were taking this whole “Hannah is leaving for 11 months” thing. Then she asked how she could pray for me. Now I love asking people how I can pray for them. I love asking people how I can help. But when the tables are turned on me…I have no idea how to answer. My mind goes blank. My openness shuts down like an old Gateway computer. Like I’ve said before in almost all of my previous blogs, I’m ridiculously independent. But this has also made me prideful. But that’s not what this blog is going to be about. We don’t need another “Hannah down on her pride” blog. Let’s talk about how I answered her.
“Ummm…I don’t know. I guess just the funding.”
Out of all the things I could ask her to pray about, I asked her to pray about the money. What I really should have said was, “Kayla, please pray for me. Pray for my day to day. Pray for me to STAY PRESENT.” Because if any present racer, former racer, or previous racer can tell you…staying present is SO HARD. From the daily conversations of my squad, you can tell our minds are already on the race. When I’m doing dishes, my mind is already fantasizing about doing dishes on the race. When I’m leading kids church, my mind is in a church with kids in Zimbabwe or Thailand or wherever it chooses that day.
I’m not saying that it is a bad thing to think towards the future. But it is a terrible thing when you start to let what you think the future holds or what the past held, outshine what you are experiencing right now.
I was just discussing this with one of my good friends, Amber. Her beautiful baby girl (shout out to Maylea) is barely two months old and we were discussing the challenges of staying present.
Being a new mom, Amber mentioned how she will never get to shower her undivided attention onto just one child ever again. And I had never thought about that. She must cherish these first few months/years with Maylea because there will very likely be another child down the road to love and care for while still loving and caring for Maylea.
The Bible says toward the end of James 4 that, “you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.’” That is one of the amazing things about The Race. You go into it having absolutely no clue what you will be doing. Not knowing exactly where you will be going. Even eleven countries isn’t promised because as present and former squads can tell you, sometimes God wants you to stay an extra month where you are. Nothing is concrete aside from the promise that God is there and He will show up.
Work has been crazy lately. The library gets crazy during the summer with tons of youth programs and everyone trying to get out of the heat. And I have been stressed with it and fundraising and everything else. So I’ve been a bit…cranky. I’ve dropped the ball on a few deadlines. And in my head I justify it with “well I won’t have to deal with this next year…” or “I have so much going on, if they only knew…” But what if I chose to stop making excuses? What if I stopped letting frustration, fear, and stress to enter my thoughts? What if I actually asked for help (I cringed while typing this sentence)? What if I chose to engage my servant mentality outside of just church, employing it at work as well? What if I asked, “God what is your will for me THIS DAY, RIGHT HERE?” and focused on what I could accomplish right now, today instead of mulling over what might or might not happen in the months/year to come.
Because being excited about The Race isn’t the problem, using the anticipation as an excuse to avoid what my job is RIGHT NOW is. Checking out of moments that are happening right now is a problem. Because next year, I won’t have these moments with my family, friends, and church family. Next year, I won’t get to eat Chipotle or drink coffee regularly until like…December at the earliest. So I should probably take these moments and relish the heck out of them. Even the stress that fundraisers bring. Even the sucky work days. Even the annoying coworkers I will convince myself that I miss at some point after I leave here.
Here’s the thing, I’ve been watching Orange Is The New Black (I know someone will call me out on this because it has bad language and a lot of other bad stuff, but here we are…) and one of the scenes hit me. Piper (the main character) got put in prison and was adjusting to incarcerated life by trying to live through those on the outside, complaining a lot, and being a butthead. So her and Yoga Jones (this really chill lady who’s been in prison for years and teaches a yoga class to the inmates) has this exchange with her:
Yoga Jones: Do you know what a mandala is?
Piper: Um, those are those round Buddhist art things.
Yoga Jones: The Tibetan monks make them out of dark sand laid out into big beautiful designs. And when they’re done, after days or weeks of work, they wipe it all away.
Piper: Wow, that’s, that’s a lot.
Yoga Jones: Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman. Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. And when you’re done, pack it in, and know it was all temporary.
So how is your mandala for this year coming? We’re half way through, if you haven’t noticed. Are you excited to have six more months to put your sweat and tears into it, or are you already fantasizing and planning out next year’s design? Something that I can guarantee is that your mandala will be beautiful if you let God help you focus on His will for your now. And though I’m crazy excited to start next year’s sand art, something tells me this one will be just as beautiful.
