About three weeks after finishing the Race I started working at Starbucks. It’s actually a really awesome environment to work in. The people are great, the job is fun if you are motivated, and making money again is cool. But I’ve been wondering if I got this job too soon.
Did I give myself enough time to process the Race? Probably not.
Is working almost 40 hours a week giving me enough time to fill up with the Lord? Yeah, if I would actually manage my time like a functional human, but I’m Hannah Stewart.
On the Race God taught me a lot about dependence on Him and how everything I do should flow from that dependence and that daily and constant fulfillment of His Spirit flowing through me. Wow. That has not been the case since I got home. Which brings me to the next lesson He is walking me through, Stewardship.
I believe in the importance and symbolism of names. And oddly enough (or Godly enough) my name, Hannah Stewart, literally translates into “graceful steward”. My name is a person who extends grace and protects, manages, and takes care of things. Someone who is entrusted with the gifts, people, and time they are given and who is expected to walk in merciful peace.
I guess I haven’t been Hannah Stewart lately. Lately I’ve been stressed. Lately I’ve been flakey and prone to isolate. Lately I have harbored resentment against family, friends, and peers. Lately I have spoken the things the Lord has shown me but have not seasoned it with His love and grace and have instead sounded arrogant and spoken out of turn or out of His timing.
Thank God for redemption, right? This week I’ve been in Gainesville, Georgia where this whole journey began. Project Searchlight is a gathering of Racers who are fresh off the field and who are seeking many different things. A lot are looking for the next step. Others are looking for practical ways to get to that step. I found myself on the drive up just begging for rest. And not the sleep kind of rest, but the rest that comes from spending time with the one that this whole living thing is about.
Being back at the place we stayed while training for this adventure means we see these places we hiked through and slept in and worshiped in, and we are the only thing that is different.
Being back at this place also means we are using portopotties again. And with portopotties comes really cheap, really harsh one-ply toilet paper. Now one-ply gets the job done, but not in a very comfortable or efficient way. Naah mean?
I realize that on the race, I was Charmin Ultra. I was connecting with God daily and I was speaking life and I was being Hannah Stewart because He had given me a team and a ministry and time to steward. And because I was dependent on Him, I stewarded well. Lately I have been one-ply. I’m doing enough to clean up some messes, but I’m exhausted and using so much of myself that I’m very quickly getting to the useless core of things. I’m scraping off little scraps from the cardboard to try to cover it all.
That’s gross, y’all. Nobody likes one-ply toilet paper. So being the person who God has called me to be means I shouldn’t be living a one-ply life. Because I am Hannah Stewart. He has blessed me with things to take care of such as my time, my family, my job, my finances, my spiritual gifts.
Though I may not like responsibility, I have been walking with Him long enough to know that He always makes me fall in love with the things I do not like. Such as women’s ministry, discipline, time-management, vulnerability, and yes even responsibility. Because He trusts me so much that He wants me to trust myself.
So what are you doing that’s one-ply instead of the Quilted Northern that you are and that God has called you to be?
What are some things that you need to flush to stop half-assing this whole life thing?
I could keep these bathroom puns coming, but this blog is already too long. I came home from the race different and I plan to come home from Georgia this week ready to prove that and walk in that “different”, but gracefully and not arrogantly. I love you all and I hope you have really nice toilet paper. ????
