“The notion that You might expect more from me is daunting. Yet I know it is truth and I know it is grace to expect so much from so little, knowing You will always and forever fill in the gaps. Shit. That means I have to do something.”
My latest journal entry, ladies and gentleman.
What do you do when you tell God a dream and He answers, “No, bigger.”? You change your dream but His answer doesn’t. So you change it again and now it Has turned into a, “Cold, cold, warmer, warmer, warm, hotter, hot” game with the One who fulfills the dreams of the dead and of the living on a spectrum that transcends time and place.
Existential crisis, table for one?
Here!
I will never pretend to understand why I or anyone is here. I will never pretend to understand the vast story of this World or what miniscule, but ceasingly beautiful part I have to play in it. But what I do understand is that I do have a part to play in it. And if I don’t play it, someone will and in Act III of my character’s story, I don’t want to be reading about my understudy.
Mamma said back in Vietnam, “The Lord’s got big plans for you, girl.” And I’m just beginning to believe the words she so easily and unknowingly spoke over me with the intention of the Creator’s will. I’m just beginning to realize that I have been given a very different storyline than I had originally written for myself.
Before the Race I talked a lot about not going back to college, how God was calling me to something different. And He was. He wanted me for 11 months to go and to see and to feel. Sometimes those things were very dark, ugly, disgusting things. Sometimes those things were very light, joyous, delicious things. All things were always awesome. Because He was in all of it.
Now God is calling me somewhere I never thought I would go. All the commitment, self-discipline, obedience, and humbleness He has walked me through has lead me here. Because He wants me to do something about this World and these people that He so loves. To do something for the creatures He made in His perfect image to dwell with Him.
He is calling me to fight for those beings. He is calling me to continue to travel so I won’t forget to go and to see and to feel. He is calling me to defend the basic human rights of His people. Whether black, white, yellow, gay, straight, transgender, slave, servant, selfish, horrible, good. He’s calling me back to college. University in fact.
The last week of Romania God put an image of a laurel wreath in my head. The first thing I thought was, “Like Ceasar?” I thought it symbolized the end of my Race. That like an Olympian, I had finished well. And it does, but it symbolizes so much more. I researched more and laurel wreathes were, “used to adorn people with distinctly precious and uncommon insights [the gift of prophecy which the Lord has given me]. Furthermore, the mark of the laurel could only be worn by those who used their higher knowledge and spirituality to serve the public in beneficial ways.” It is also given at many universities to those who have finished a Master’s degree.
God’s hilarious. In this one image He has called me to every fear I’ve walked through (commitment, being almost great, pride with money, my spiritual gifts). He’s calling me to these fears to fulfill my purpose. This is how He changes lives and ultimately the World. Because I do have something to say worth saying. He has given me words. I have something to fight for. He has given me His people.
Now God, please don’t make me join a sorority.
