As in Thomas. As in like Doubting Thomas. It’s a joke. It’s not funny. Here’s a blog about doubt.
I’m not going to lie and say that every day I wake up and feel called to the race.
I’m not going to lie and say that every day I’m ridiculously excited to go.
I’m not going to lie and say that I never have doubts about the race or life in general.
Sometimes I doubt if I can deal with the race emotionally. When I’m sad and reaching out to my best friend in text, I realize that in two months I won’t be able to do so. This means in two months I will have to press into my team for comfort. Scarier still, this means in two months I will have to press into God for affirmation.
Sometimes I doubt that I will even leave on the race and stay on it due to funding. My fund account has been stuck at $4,749 for a month or so. Donations have been coming in slow. I need $2,751 more (by mid-December). Six months in, I need $8,743 more to stay. This means I can’t pay my way on this trip. This means I won’t be able to head fundraisers once I’m overseas.
I take these things, among so many others to the Lord just about every day. After exhausting my words, I sit and listen. And He always answers with a question. “Do you trust me?”
Not, “Hannah, trust me!”
Not, “Yo, I got this!”
Just: “Do you trust me?”
He isn’t demanding my trust. He isn’t pushing my doubts away or belittling them. He is simply asking me if I trust Him, and if I do…how much?
There’s a place in Mark 9 where Jesus heals a boy who is mute. Not only is this boy mute, but he also convulses and foams at the mouth. He has an evil spirit inside of him and the spirit has even gone so far as to try to make the boy commit suicide. This is straight up, 1973, The Exorcist stuff. And the father of the boy says to Jesus, “…if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.”
Now, in the father’s defense, disciples that had gotten there shortly before Jesus had already tried (and failed) to expel the spirit. So it’s natural that he would doubt. BUT COME ON! He pretty much looked God in the face and said, “Hey man…I mean…like if you could it’d be great but…” Isn’t that insane?! And just like that teacher that always answered, “I don’t know. Can you?” every time you asked to go to the bathroom, Jesus replied, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” And then Jesus dropped the mic and walked off stage.
Joking. After Jesus says this, the father speaks one of the greatest prayers I’ve ever heard. It’s so simple, human, and timeless. The father cries out, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.” He’s saying, “Yeah God, I know you can do this, and that little doubt within me, that shred of unbelief and fear, destroy that too.” After this prayer, Jesus does expel the spirit and the party began.
I doubt it was a rager, because it was quiet enough for Jesus’ disciples to ask him, “Why could we not cast [the spirit] out?” His answer was, “This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer.” This answer confused me. I mean, how else are you supposed to expel an evil spirit? The disciples weren’t stupid. They had seen Jesus do this stuff before. They had even done it before themselves. So what did Jesus mean when He said it couldn’t be expelled “by anything but prayer”? Wasn’t that the way the disciples were trying to do it in the first place?
Here’s where this story gets even more real and completely blows my mind. The same story is written in Matthew 17, but the answer to the disciples’ question is a little different. Jesus answers, “Because of your little faith.” Now I believe that Jesus said both of these things, and I think both answers are so important because it shows us what prayer should really be. Jesus’ idea of prayer is to ask God to do something, and to believe or have no doubt that He will.
What does this mean? It means that maybe my old roommate Kristina wasn’t so off. Kristina and I used to have a joke that if we really wanted something we would go ahead and thank God for giving it to us, thereby tricking God into giving us the thing we’ve already thanked Him for. Yeah, we’re probably a little bit insane. BUT SOMETIMES IT WORKS! Now I don’t think we’re really tricking God, but in some ways I think this is the right way to go about praying…but maybe take into account God’s will for our lives too.
When you’re thanking God for what He is already about to do (whether what He does is what you want or not), you are forcing yourself to acknowledge the fact that He IS going to do something. He IS going to make something happen. You’re forcing yourself to believe and to have no doubt and, in essence, that is what prayer was meant to be all along.
This take on prayer is brought to us again in Mark 11 (Thank you Kelsey Tosca). Jesus was really hungry, I’d even venture to say he was hangry due to the fact that He curses a tree. Yeah. He was hungry. It wasn’t fig season. So the poor tree got cursed for having no fruit. The next day the disciples were completely astonished to see that the tree had withered. Again, this tells us that our prayers have power, but only if we believe in them. Jesus answered the disciples astonishment by saying, “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Jesus told the tree no one would eat from it, He believed it was so, and the tree freaking died!
If we’re asking but not believing, we’re asking in vain. I’m not saying that if we pray and don’t believe that He won’t still make it happen. I’m saying Matthew 17/Mark 9/Luke 9/Mark 11 tells us that it could be the deciding factor in His will for our lives. That deciding factor being that we believe that He knows us, He knows our doubts, He knows our beliefs, He loves us, and He will move according to His will for our lives. I’m saying that we should pray less like the doubtful disciples and more like the father of the mute boy, because that gets stuff done!
So where does this leave me? This leaves me feeling about two feet tall. Because while I’ve been praying about funding, I’ve also been staring at how low my account is and wondering, “How will this ever happen?” I’ve got some pretty big doubts. I’ve got about $11,494 worth of doubts. I’ve been praying as if my words won’t directly affect these doubts or those funds.
So where does this leave you? Have your prayers been full of doubt? Have you been praying like God is actively moving in your life right now? Have you been praying like the disciples or like the father of the boy? Have you been praying as if your current situation depends on your words and the belief that God will do something directly connected to those words?
What if we prayed and BELIEVED God was going to do something about it because we were praying about it?
What if we asked God to help us with our doubts, knowing that Him answering one prayer the way we want isn’t going to help us when we start to doubt about the next problem in our lives?
I just finished a book by Adam Hamilton called Seeing Gray in a World of Black and White and this is how he ended his chapter on doubt and how I will end my blog on the same subject:
“At some point you look at the evidence you have, you weigh the testimony of others, including the witness of the Bible itself, you consider your own personal experiences, you weigh your options, and you make a decision to trust. And sometimes the only prayer you have is, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.”
