My heart pounded as the words began to so eloquently pour from their mouths. I knew I needed someone to hold me. I immediately turned around and sank into Emily’s arms as the tears flowed freely down my face she whispered to me that this is a safe place. God has put me in a safe place.
It’s amazing how once you fully surrender to God and the plan & healing He has for your life, everything just falls into place. It’s not always easy, trust me, this process has been exhausting & hard & the tears have been overwhelming but so, so necessary.
Greg & Luke wrote a spoken word poem for all of the ladies on W-Squad & after talking with them both I’m even more convinced of how much God loves me and works everything together for my good. In being obedient to what God was telling them to write & speak to us, God spoke to my very core. The poem is going to be posted in the next blog for you to read, but before I get to that I just have to thank God & the community of people He’s placed me in during this super difficult time. During this debreif I have been held, prayed over, given good, Godly advice to, I’ve been hugged, loved, understood, and free to navigate this messy process however it seems necessary, even if that means laying in my bed for hours on end, thinking of nothing.
I’ve been laid at my Maker’s feet & been lifted into His strong arms, my favorite place to be. I know this is just the beginning & there’s so much to work through, but I rest in knowing that there isn’t a time limit on how fast or slow I have to work through it.
Over the past few days, God has revealed a few things to me through many different avenues. The first, is that I have always associated love with protection. If I feel protected, I feel loved. I was journaling & I wrote: I don’t know if I’ve longed for love as much as I’ve longed for safety & protection. I’ve longed for the protection of something greater than me, I always thought that had to take the form of a man, but I am learning that my ultimate protector, the King of Safety & keeper of my heart, is only Jesus & will always only EVER be Jesus. No man can take His place…
Ridiculous that I had never let this truth sink into me. I have been trying for years to protect myself when Jesus was wrapping His arms around me that whole time, protecting me, and my eyes were blind to see that…I mean to REALLY see that & believe it.
The second thing He revealed to me was through Greg, Luke, & Emily. He revealed to me that He has hand picked the people that surround me in this moment & has given me a completely safe environment to heal the way He knows that I need to.
He then revealed to me through the lyrics of the song “There is a fountain”, which my teammate James sang during worship the same night that Greg & Luke read. He revealed to me a truth that I need to cling to tighter & that truth is that Jesus died. He died on a cross, for me, before I even commited one sin, before one bad thing happened to me, thousands of years before I even existed, Jesus died on that cross with me in His mind. None of any of this is a shock to Him. None of it. His arms were stretched open, on a cross, for me then & He continues to stretch open His arms for me now & will forever. If you don’t know the lyrics to the song, look them up…it’s powerful.
He then revealed to me through my squad mentor, Erin, that it’s not whether or not I trust my team or the men on my team or the people around me, it’s whether or not I trust God & trust that He knew I would be dealing with this in this very moment & that He handpicked the people that He’s surrounded me with in this moment. It’s whether or not I trust that He put me in a safe environment & that He is going to protect me in this.
Lastly, he reminded me of His grip on me through the book, Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. Straight from my journal this is what He said:
My grip on you is strong & so tight but my grip isn’t a grip that makes you fearful like Duke’s but it is a beautiful, strong, safe, & protective grip like Michael’s. My arms wrap around you like a husbands arms & even when you’re in misery & pain & anger, I will only squeeze you tighter. I will not let you go in those moments when you are scared & angry & want to run away from me & to try to deal on your own, I will always continually hold you tighter, make you stay, & hold you until you are vulnerable enough to sink into me and openly reveal your hurt & your pain & your sadness to me. I will always listen to you & speak life into you, my precious, precious one. Kick, scream, & fight all you want to try and get away but when you’re tired of fighting me, fall limp into my strong arms & feel the safety, protection, and love wash over you & rest in me.
Oh. my. soul.
