re·demp·tion noun
i-‘dem(p)-sh?n
: the act of making something better or more acceptable
: the act of exchanging something for money, an award, etc.
Christianity : the act of saving people from sin and evil : the fact of being saved from sin or evil
(http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/redemption)
Head in my hands, tears streaming down my face as I whispered,
“Wrap me up in your strong arms, Daddy.”
I sat there in the circle with a smile plastered to my face. I was determined to fool everyone into thinking I was fine, perfect, nothing was wrong…
I sat there & listened to the conversation as my stomach continued to flip & the anxiety almost overtook every part of me.
Why was I feeling this way?
Why was I feeling such anxiety because the men on my team were discussing the ways they feel respected & disrespected?
Why was I freaking out over something that seemed like it was for nothing?
What was wrong with me?
Why could I not have this conversation?
The conversation was simply that, a conversation…yet my emotions were overtaking every part of me and I was desperately praying for it to be over so I could run out of there as fast as I could, hide, and finally be able to breathe.
But I sat, holding my breath…holding myself.
I didn’t understand this feeling, but it felt familiar.
I wasn’t prepared for being on a co-ed team. I wasn’t ready to deal with this. Actually, every part of me just wanted to push the feelings deeper down…inside of me, covered, kept secret….I wanted to keep them in my grip…a place in where I knew I wouldn’t be able to get hurt, deep down, far enough that no one would even know what was going on inside, let alone reach them. Keep them locked up tight in a place where I was still able to protect myself.
For the better part of my life, men have had a very negative connotation in my mind. I would think, & they wouldn’t prove me wrong, that all men were the same: arrogant, self-seeking, only after one thing. They were uncapable of love & you couldn’t trust them. The only thing you could trust from a man is that he would take what he wanted, hurt you, & then abandon you-leave you to pick up the pieces on your own & not look back once. I sincerely tried to view them differently, but I was always proven wrong.
My parents were divorced when I was four years old. My dad could care less about me, at least that’s how I felt. He never fought for me, never loved me, never even knew me…he abandoned me without thinking twice. I had no idea what the love of a father felt like, even to this day I still don’t fully grasp it & that burdens me.
All my life I watched men destroy women in relationships. I watched them use & abuse. I watched them come & go as they pleased. I watched them speak with such hate & disrespect. I watched physical & emotional abuse. I never once witnessed a man respect & cherish a woman when I was a child-if I did, I have no recollection. [[As I grew older, when I did experience those men I definitely knew I wasn’t worthy of snagging one for myself.]] They were either evil & disrespectful or they were cowards who didn’t know how to stand up for or fight for their wives. They all made me sick.
The walls started to go up. I remember, at a very young age, determined to never end up in a relationship like that. I would rather die alone than live that way. No “love” was worth that, no “man” was worth that. I can take care of myself. That only grew stronger as I got older. I was determined that I could protect myself, love myself, & respect myself more than any man ever could.
At seventeen, I was raped. I kept this a secret for a long time. Part of me can’t even believe that I’m actually writing this in a blog for the whole world to see, if they wanted. The pain, the hurt, the disgust, the anguish, it was all too much. I couldn’t handle it so I built the walls up around my heart, I pushed my secret down farther and farther. I pretended it never happened and was fully set on keeping that secret and taking it to my grave. Men, there was no such thing, only boys who cared about nothing. Everything I believed my whole life about “men” was proven to be true in a moment.
This darkness that I carried has haunted me in ways that I can’t explain. I had never realized the power & the hurt that it held over me. The darkness that has kept me quiet&suffocated, the darkness that has allowed me to continue to live a life not fully free, not basking in Christ’s true glory. The darkness that has allowed me to not forgive, to hold resentment so heavily in my heart that there’s no room for Christ to fully reign. Not living a life where I fully understand my Father’s love. Where I accept His love for myself and actually believe that He loves me more than anything, that I am precious in His eyes even through all of the dirt.
Over the last month, my beautiful, LOVING Father has revealed these things to me. He’s revealed all of the hurt that has become my “normal” that I started to believe it wasn’t there. He’s revealed these things to me because He desperately longs to be my everything, he longs to redeem me & to start the healing process. He aches because I ache and longs to free me from the strangling grip of darkness.
My Father has brought me to a place in my life where He’s begging me to let Him heal me, to let Him redeem me, to let Him bind up my wounds, take my burdens, and be free of the pain that I’ve carried for years. He’s begging me to let Him fully hold my heart & my future. He’s begging me to break down the walls, trust Him, and trust men. He’s begging me to allow Him to redeem me & redeem my thoughts about men.
This process is terrifying. It’s terrifying because I’ve been placed on a team with two gracious men who are slowly walking through this process with me. Being vulnerable about the deepest parts of me with the girls on my team is one thing, but allowing these two men to be a part of that and know more about me than any other man ever has is terrifying. It gives me a feeling of anxiety like I’ve never experienced before. Allowing them to speak life & encourage, allowing them in on a different level, a deeper level is hard. But I’m beginning to realize that I have to. I have to do this if I want to live in freedom…
I have to do this if I want to embrace all the life, light, & love that my Daddy is desperately wanting to pour out over me.
I don’t know how all of this is going to turn out. I imagine there will be a lot of tears (there already has been), probably some anger, probably some pity parties, and some frustration. But I’m willing, I desire the healing, I desire the redemption, my heart and soul aches for it, longs for it and someday, my future husband will be so thankful for it. I am not willing to stay in the place where I’ve been, I’m ready to embrace the light and truly experience the love of my Father like I’ve never experienced it before. I know that He has placed me on this team, with these people (especially the two handsome gents you see above) to allow me to heal in a safe place, even if it seems like a scary place in this moment. He’s allowing me to heal in a place where I can truly bring my struggles and doubts to the table without condemnation. He’s allowing me to heal in a place where my heart will be protected. A place where He’s going to restore the worth that I threw away. I may not be ready, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for something like this. All I know is I want to be redeemed, I want to be vulnerable, I want to be free.
“They will abandon you, I never will. I am pleased to call you mine. Fix your eyes on my face-don’t take your eyes off of my gaze. I love you.”
Here I am…I’m finally surrendering.
