For the better part of my life I’ve been angry with my earthly father.
I was angry that he was never there to hold me when I cried.
I was angry that he was never there to play with me or catch me when I wanted to jump into his arms.
I was angry that he didn’t love me enough to fight for me.
I was angry that he didn’t care.
I was angry that I wasn’t precious enough for him to protect me.
And for a long time I have compared my Daddy, my Heavenly Father, to my earthly father. That, my friends, is a very dangerous thing to do because in no way does my Daddy compare to my earthly father.
In my mind, I believed that God “kind of” loved me but eventually His love would cease & He would abandon me just like my earthly father had. I lived as though I wasn’t precious enough to protect.
But through His grace and relentless pursuit of me, He’s proven to me how much He loves me, desires me, and longs to protect me. I’ve seen Him hold His strong arms out to me and I’ve felt the joy of running and jumping into them. He cares for me deeply and has proven that through His fight for my soul.
But this blog isn’t really about whether or not Jesus loves me-I have finally come to a point in which I no longer question that fact.
Harboring unforgiveness in my heart & holding anger for so long against my earthly father…that’s what this is about.
A few days ago I sat on a rock, not just any rock-I sat on a BOULDER-in the middle of a river perfectly placed in between the beautiful Himalayas. As I sat on that massive stone I listened to the rushing water and I started talking to my Daddy. Since the beginning of this month I’ve been challenged by my teammates and The Lord to write forgiveness letters to every person that I’ve been withholding forgiveness from. The first on my list was myself. The second on my list was my father.
In that moment, sitting on the boulder, listening to the water, praising my Daddy, I clearly heard Him say,
“Rid yourself of it…give it to me.”
So, I started to write.
Friends, you’ve heard it before & I’m going to say it again: when you harbor unforgiveness in your heart, you are hurting NOONE but YOURSELF.
As I wrote the words I, surprisingly, had no tears. I felt no anger. If I’m being honest, for most of the letter, I felt nothing.
Until I felt something.
As I wrote the last few sentences…“I forgive you and release you from me. I forgive you dad and I love you. You will no longer be held captive by my anger. I’m sorry this didn’t happen when you were alive, forgive me for that too.”…I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, a weight was lifted, and I slowly began to breathe.
And as I breathed, I felt The Lord hold me. I heard Him whisper to me, “the more you forgive, the closer you are to me-keep coming closer daughter, you are precious enough to hold.”
Truly forgiving someone isn’t easy and it isn’t a one time deal-it’s a choice you make daily to continually walk in that freedom of forgiveness. But that is exactly what you receive when you forgive: freedom, freedom you can’t explain. Satan no longer has a hold on my heart.
The way I see it, Jesus and the cross that He didn’t just simply “die” on, but endured an excruciatingly painful and miserable death on, all for the sake of MY salvation and because of MY sin, MY unforgiveness, is the ULTIMATE act of forgiveness. And how could I, knowing that my Savior bled and died in such misery in order that I might receive forgiveness for how I’ve sinned, hold unforgiveness towards my dad when I am a sinner just as he was?
During this time of year when we celebrate Jesus’ death and resurrection, I am reminded of just how much He has forgiven me. I am also reminded that my earthly father did love me (I’m believing it because God told me) and that he was human-confused, lost, and unaware of what he was missing out on.
He told me that I am PRECIOUS ENOUGH to be held in the arms of a loving father.
All the while I held anger towards my father for not holding me, my Daddy’s arms were wrapped tightly around me, catching my tears in His hands, and whispering in my ear how precious I was-the anger was drowning out His whispers.
But now the anger is gone…and now I can hear.
Who are you withholding forgiveness from? Sit back & reflect on what Jesus did for you today-for some of you it’s still Easter, it’s still resurrection Sunday. Go read the story-I’ll help you out-it’s in Matthew 27 & 28. Read it and repent. Ask The Lord to reveal to you who you’re harboring unforgiveness towards and ask Him to help you remove it from your heart. Write a letter, call the person, email them, meet them in person-whatever-do it.
Be obedient and start to walk in that forgiveness.
My father died four years ago. Believe me, I wish I could’ve done this in person and told him face to face that I love him, that I forgive him. I would give anything for that. It will never happen for me, but the story doesn’t have to be the same for you. Don’t wait. Freedom is closer than it seems.
Matthew 6:14&15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your father will not forgive your sins.
