Thank you Jesus for your love that flows so freely for me.
Thank you for continuing to trudge through the mud and muck with me.
Thank you for teaching me.
Thank you for lessons.
Thank you for showing up in my times of doubt.
Thank you for loving me through my self pity.
Thank you for bringing me to the point of completely needing you.
Thank you for never leaving me.
Thank you that you are my protector.
Thank you that you are my SOLE PROVIDER.
Thank you that you know the words that come out of my mouth before they are even spoken.
Thank you for already forgiving me.
Thank you for giving me wisdom.
Thank you for making me weak.
Thank you that I am completely dependent on you.
Thank you that there is no such thing as "coincidences."
Thank you that you are good.
Thank you that there are no words beautiful enough to describe who you are.
Thank you that you let me doubt.
Thank you for proving me wrong.
Thank you that you don't operate out of my trust.
Thank you that I am not powerful.
Thank you that you chose me for such a time as this.
Thank you that you let me have my pity party.
Thank you for showing up.
Thank you for blessing my life and proving to me that you love me…as if the cross wasn't enough proof.
My God loves me so much that He sent His son to die to save my soul.
IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
I was living as if the cross wasn't enough. I was living as if His word wasn't true. I was living as if everyone else counted but I didn't. I was living as if God was a liar.
It doesn't make sense that I was living this way.
It doesn't make sense that I was living this way because I know God loves me & I have felt His love & can feel His love everyday.
The past couple of weeks have been a time of struggle, trial, strife, doubt, & just exhausting. I've been questioning God's plan & purpose for my life and ultimately it's been shaking my faith. I've been frustrated with God and been continually trying to control my life & everything in it.
My doubt was in God and whether or not He could…or would…provide for me to continue to stay on this mission trip.
[[Yesterday morning I woke up at 5 am and walked to the ocean. During my time at the beach God captivated every part of me and I fully surrendered to His will for my life. I felt like a weight was lifted. All of my previous worries and cares melted away and all that mattered was that sweet moment with my Savior. Only that moment, nothing before, nothing after…just that moment. I gave it all to Him because I was done carrying it. I was done trying to control my life, I was done trying to be the one in charge. I recognized and realized that I have no power & it's pointless to try and control my life when all it does is keep me running in circles. I gave up, I completely surrendered…I was free.]]
His words aren't just words in a book. His words hold power, life, strength, TRUTH. His words hold true in my life, yet I wasn't trusting Him…instead I was doubting this truth.
He's in control. It doesn't make sense why He would bless me after the way I've been acting, doubting, & questioning His plan for my life. At first I wanted to feel a little bit guilty-but guilt is not from The Lord & this is just yet ANOTHER testimony to His faithfulness to ALL of us, not just some of us.
I received an anonymous donation of $2,575.00. I don't think it was anonymous at all. I know my Poppa put that money in my account to prove His love to me…as if the cross wasn't enough, right?!
In a matter of hours, after I surrendered, God showed His faithfulness in ways I hadn't experienced before. God moved not because of my behavior but because of who He is and how He loves me. Praise The Lord that I don't hold enough power to determine how God will move in my life. Praise The Lord that He is good because He loves us. Praise The Lord that He loves us!!
& God brought me to a place of surrender even in the trial. So that I could know His freedom, so that I could experience His joy in the midst of it all.
Lesson learned: God is good when we doubt, when we struggle, when we're happy, when we're angry, when we're awake or sleeping, when we're singing, when we're crying-He does not change. EVER. He does not and will never operate out of our behavior-we don't have that kind of power over Him. He is my sole provider, no one else. He hears my prayers even when I think He's not listening-He always is. This life that He's given us is too short to waste wondering if God hears us or if we're on the "right path" with Him. Every morning you have to wake up & make a choice to trust Jesus in ALL areas of your life & focus your mind on what He wants, not what you want. Trust that He loves you, that He will guide you, protect you, and ALWAYS provide for you.
HE IS THE SAME YESTERDAY, TODAY, & TOMORROW.
Continue to make my faith stronger in your presence Lord.
