Why Me? Why NOT me? Why would you allow me to suffer with this condition? I know Psoriasis is not a life or death condition but it’s still life altering. Do you remember my friends thinking I was contagious, all the nights I’ve lain awake because my head itched and burned so bad, swallowing horse sized pills at the age of four? I do.
You’ve seen my humiliation, my tears, my sorrow, my pain, my faith, and my doubt.
You’ve watched every time as I was dragged up to prayer lines, got prayed over, and walked back to my seat unhealed. You were there, but why did you never do anything? I felt you watching, but I never felt you healing. Not that I didn’t want them to, but did I not have as much faith as that other person that you just healed?
When I think I’m walking in faith, do you see doubt instead? Why? Why won’t you give me my healing? You say in your word, whatever you come to the Father and ask in My name you shall have whatever you ask for. I’ve asked for healing, still nothing. You said in your word that by your stripes we are healed. I've believed, still nothing. You say that if we have even the faith the size of a mustard seed you shall say to that mountain move and it will move. I have faith! Is there some kind of clause in your word that I’ve passed over? Did I miss the part where you said have faith so I can heal someone else instead of you? Did you say by your stripes we ARE healed so we can walk in sickness?? I KNOW you’re more powerful than our illnesses. Did your prophet Isaiah NOT say He took our illnesses and bore our diseases? Is an auto immune disease NOT in the category of diseases you bore?? Sometimes I just don’t understand, God. I don’t understand why my faith has not made me whole like the woman with the issue of blood. I can’t physically touch your robe but I’ve reached out to you countless times asking you, begging you for my healing.
Why did you allow my friend to die from pneumonia? Why did you let my sister’s friend be killed in a car accident? How could you allow my friend to lose her husband and her son in the same year? A beloved woman is about to die from cancer, will you not heal her either? Did those towers really have to crumble? Why O Lord why??
I don’t doubt you, God.. I just don’t understand you!
Even though I don’t understand you and probably never will, I know You are good! I trust you, even if my healing never comes. Even when things in life don’t go the way I think they should, You are faithful, You are still loving, and You are still God.
As depressing as you may have found this blog, these are real thoughts and feelings I had/have. Now that I’ve admitted to God that this is something in my heart (even though He already knew it), I look forward to Him teaching me His ways and showing me His truth as He transforms my mind and heart.
On a side note.. I cannot wait for the day that I write a follow-up to this blog!
Fitting song lyrics for this time:
Even If – Kutless
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true
Of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That can never change who You are
And we trust in who You are(Chorus)
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't comeLord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
And even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
We rest in who You areChorus
You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praiseChorus
You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come
