I was slouched at the table across from my mom, studying a scuff running across one of the tiles on the floor. My eyes were stinging from the unshed tears of frustration building up that I refused to let fall.
“Just tell me what you want to do. You need to pick something… anything! You can’t sit here and be stagnant, Hannah. You have to do something. Pick a handful of classes, find a job, it doesn’t matter. I just can’t let you waste your time.”
And I didn’t want to waste my time. I knew my mom was right; I had to do something. I had been a high school graduate for a whole semester and I hadn’t done a single thing. The frustrating thing was, there was nothing that I could think of that I wanted to pursue. Even as kid with a wild imagination, even when I was graduating from middle school to high school, even when I had a diploma in my hand and a slue of classes under my belt, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was envious of everyone moving on after high school. I always wanted to be the girl with the plan, the girl who knew what to do next. I wanted to have a goal to work toward, but no matter how much I wanted to achieve something, there wasn’t a single path to follow that I felt was designed for me. There were career paths that I could’ve chosen to pursue where I could have been fairly, if not very, successful, but that didn’t matter. I knew it wouldn’t make me happy. I was lost, fumbling around, looking for anything to do that I could put my heart into…
Then one day, I applied to Gap Year.
When I applied, I had no idea what I was doing, or even why, but for some reason, I thought “yeah, sure… why not? This is just another online application. I’ll fill it out now and if, IF, that door opens, I MIGHT explore this trip”. A month later, I was on the phone with my mobilizer making plans to live overseas for 9 months… like woah…what just happened?
Before I continue, lemme just say, GOD IS GOOD!
Since I was accepted to this trip, I have felt a flame ignite in my chest. There’s something in my future that I am ready to tackle head on and heart strong and I couldn’t be more excited. As if spending 9 months talking about Jesus isn’t exciting enough, I get to do it in 3 different countries with 45 (as of right now) of the most amazing people I have ever met. I have been getting to know my squad and it is amazing to have that many people all over the country in your corner. I now have 45 new family members, and that is truly an amazing feeling (shout out to my J16 peeps… love you guys!
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For so long, I was worried about finding my path, but here’s what I’m coming to realize: I wasn’t meant to know. I believe that God kept from me the desire to go out and find my own way. He kept my heart open to doing what He had planned for me. I just had to be patient until He was ready for me. Now that He is calling me to go, I don’t think there’s anything that could stop me. This is where my heart is, this is what I feel like I was designed to do.
At this point, I have faith that if I’m meant to be somewhere or do something, by the grace of God, I’ll be there and I’ll do it, whatever “it” is. Right now, it’s this trip. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely have my struggles. Trusting that everything will fall into place in such a short amount of time is not easy, especially when so much of the chaos in my mind is out of my hands, but I have faith it’ll all work out. Even with such a huge financial responsibility coming up in such a short amount of time, I know God hasn’t brought me here to drop me off at the nearest stop. I’m committed to this and I’m committed to Him.
