Many of you may remember that a few weeks ago I-Squad was delayed in our travels to Nicaragua and ended up in Antigua for about 5 days. While we were there we had the opportunity to volunteer at a special needs hospital. There were dozens kids, of all ages, in cribs spread throughout a few rooms. These kids couldn’t do anything for themselves- they couldn’t feed themselves, clothe themselves, use a bathroom, and some couldn’t even support their heads. I spent the majority of the time we were there (approximately 4 hours over 2 days) in the room with the youngest kids. I was particularly taken by a boy no older then 2. For the first day I was there I called him Astro because that was the only name I could find on his crib. I stood by his crib for a few minutes before having the guts to take him out. But once I did I was in love. For over an hour I held him and I was able to feed him as well. The whole time he smiled at him and squirmed around because he has little to no control over his body. He loved when I bounced him on my hip and took him for walks around the hospital courtyard. Putting him back in his crib when we left was one of the hardest moments on this trip thus far. He cried and screamed and it broke my heart. I went back and held him for an additional 10 minutes or so because I could not bear to hear him cry. It broke my heart and continues to break it as I type this. The next day we went back and this time I held him for a solid 2 hours. Leaving him was even harder this time. I can’t even fully describe the pain I felt in my heart having to leave him and knowing that I was not going to be able to come back. For a split second I thought, ‘Screw the World Race! I am staying in Antigua and coming here everyday to hold that little boy.’
Although I loved being able to help out at the hospital and show some love to Luis (Astro’s real name), it also raised alot of questions that I didn’t really want to ask. I think that is why I haven’t written about it yet. I have been avoiding thinking about it and putting my thoughts down on paper (or a computer screen). Honestly, I still don’t know what to think. I am really frustrated with God. Why would He let this innocent child, as well as the dozens of others like him, suffer? Why are these kids here, why can’t He just heal them? Find them homes where people will love them 24/7? These kids have nothing, not even the ability to get out of crib and walk around. What is the point of it all? The reason that God created us was to praise Him and be in a relationship with Him-well, how can these kids who can’t do anything for themselves possibly have an intimate relationship with God? Do these kids ever get to experience God or what its like to feel loved? Where is God’s love and grace for these kids?
These are questions I still ask and still have no answer to. And I am not writing this blog in order to have my questions answered. I probably will never have these questions answered. I just wanted to let everyone know that although I am having quite the experience on the World Race, developing a stronger relationship with God, getting to know truly amazing people, that there is alot of crap in this world that I just don’t get. And sometimes the answer that God is in control, that He works in mysterious ways, just doesn’t cut it for me. I know that I am going to see alot of things I don’t understand on this trip and that I will have alot of questions.
Despite all my frustrations and questions, I have to believe that God reaches out to those kids in some way. I have to believe that He takes care of them, even if I don’t see it. Even if I can’t comprehend how. As humans we focus so much on what is tangible, what we can see and I know that God is not always tangible. Or visible…I don’t always like that fact. And thats where I am right now.
