Have you ever allowed God into the deep places of your heart, your soul, that you have tried so hard to ignore and forget about? That you have lied to others and yourself about? Well, when you finally let God into that place you end up a freakin’ mess.
Here I am, getting ready to return to Boston after almost 3 weeks of visiting friends in Georgia and Nebraska, and I feel so messy that I feel the need to post a blog about it. These past 3 weeks have been such a blessing to me. I have been able to spend time with so many amazing people. I have laughed a lot. I have received prophetic words and prayer. I have made an awesome new friend (shout out to Janina!). I have been shown incredible generosity by people I hardly know. I have had a few divine appointments (stories for another blog). And I have felt incredibly loved, by God and others. Yet, I am not returning home on a spiritual high from great community and experiences, I am returning a freakin’ mess.
God has revealed some things in me that I don’t like. I hate in fact. I HATE that I am still struggling with some of the same crap. I HATE that I thought I was farther along in this healing process then I really am. I HATE that I am not over some stuff yet. And I am battling frustration with myself, shame, hurt, anger, disappointment, confusion. But one thing I am not battling is that I am loved. I am loved, I am loved, I am loved. I KNOW that God loves me and that this messy season is just that- a season. I KNOW that God loves me and I am walking through this crap in order to look more like Him and His son. I KNOW that God loves me and that He has placed incredible people in my life who love me and who are fighting with me. I KNOW that God loves me and my identity as His daughter will be even stronger when I walk in FREEDOM from my current mess. I KNOW that God loves me and I will be a stronger, more loving leader this summer because of this mess I am in right now.
Honestly, its a huge thing for me to realize that although I am freakin’ mess and I am battling some yucky stuff right now, I don’t doubt God’s love for me. 2 years ago that would not have been the case. All I did was doubt that God loved me. Isn’t it amazing how God transforms us?
So here I am, embracing my freakin’ messiness. I know there is freedom soon to follow. I know that God is purging me. I know that it is (and will be) hard. I know I will cry at some point. But, I want that freedom. So I am going for it. I am laying my freakin’ mess at the feet of a loving Father and Saviour.
“It
is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do
not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”- Galatians
5:1
****Side note: Financial Update: I am still in need for $2,650 for Real Life this summer! Please pray about supporting me financially! Every little bit helps! Click on the Support Me link and a give a tax deductible donation! **********************
