Chiang Mai Ink.

It would take me an additional 3 pages to share the entire process of deciding I wanted a tattoo and then figuring what the tattoo would be. The most important thing is that by the time we reached Thailand I knew I wanted a tattoo and that it would be on my foot. I spent the first week in Thailand writing on my foot different phrases, but the one I kept coming back to was “Whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.” Tiffany had mentioned the verse as possibly being part of her tattoo: lose my life to find it. I knew that those words were what I wanted. This is what God has been teaching me the entire trip- identity. My identity is not in who I think I am, in who others tell me I am, but in God says I am. My life is not my own, it’s God. By placing my identity in Him, I gain an understanding of who I really am. By surrendering my life to God I am able to find freedom, love, acceptance and identity. I probably could relate almost everything I have learned on the World Race back to identity in Christ. That is what this verse speaks to me: identity.

 

 

Our contact here in Chiang Mai told us about the place she got her tattoos. It is definitely not what I would have thought of for a reputable tattoo parlor. It’s on the 4^th floor of a mall, right by the movie theatre. And it’s small. I mean really small. One table and two chairs take up almost the entire place. But appearances did not stop us! On Sunday, April 11^th our team headed to the mall, ready and excited. I held Tiff’s hand for almost an hour as she had her forearm done. If you want to know more about her tattoo, check out her blog. It’s really cool.

My turn was next. I was so excited and nervous. It took about 20 minutes for the artist to position the words where I wanted and find the right font. He placed the needle to my foot and I knew there was no turning back. OMG. I have never experienced pain like this before. I grabbed Jess’s hand and asked Tiffany to sing me a song to keep my mind focused on anything but the incredible, searing pain occurring in my foot. I made the mistake of looking at the needle go into my foot and that just made everything hurt more. After a couple of minutes, I stole a second glance to see the progress. I almost screamed. One of the letters was not in the exact place I wanted it. With this realization I started crying. I buried my face into my arm and those around tried to comfort me. No one really knew what was wrong though. Through sobs I was able to communicate that the second “s” in the word “loses” was too far to the right. It almost looked like it was part of the next word. No one knew what to say or do, partly because they didn’t see what I was talking about, and there really was nothing they could say or do. I cried the remainder of the foot, the whole time the tattoo artist thinking it was because of the pain. He kept looking up at me, smiling, saying something along the lines of “pain will be over soon! Don’ worry.” By that point I had forgotten about the physical pain and could only think about how I had just got something permanently on my body and it wasn’t perfect. What had I done?

He positioned the second half of the verse on my right foot and asked me if it was okay. My response “Whatever. I don’t care anymore.” Good thing I had a few friends with me who still cared for me and my tattoo. They double checked and gave him the go ahead. The second foot hurt as much as the first. I was able to keep tears back for part of it, but as I stole a glance at the left foot I began to cry again. He finished up and smiled at me: “No more pain. All done.” I gave him a weak smile and climbed down. Jessica climbed up and began the process (she also got a foot tattoo of the word “redeemed” in Hebrew). After a few minutes I could no longer stand to be in the tattoo parlor. I walked out the door and found a bathroom. I walked into the stall and cried. I could not get past the “s” on the left foot. And I was so frustrated with myself for crying and ruining Tiffany and Jess’s first tattoo experience. But as I sat on the toilet crying God spoke to me. “it’s just a tattoo. Even this doesn’t matter in the end. Let go.” I tried to force myself to calm down and went back to the tattoo in time to see Jess experiencing the same foot pain I had. I kept telling myself, “it’s just a tattoo. Even this doesn’t matter.”

After Jess was done and we had all paid for our new permanent bling, I basically ran out of the tattoo parlor into the mall. I needed to get out of that mall and find some where else to weep. I found myself staring at an escalator for about 30 seconds before I realized it was the up one and I needed the down one. That’s where the rest of the group caught up to me- blankly staring at an escalator. We all laugh about it now but in the moment everyone thought I was falling into a deep depression. I managed to get out the words “I’m going to Starbucks,” before I once again took off on my own. I walked into a little piece of America and ordered my grande soy vanilla latte, while fighting back more tears. Tiffany and Leigh found me and I just spilled everything I was thinking; of course I threw in a few more sobs. Shed a few more tears. (In case you didn’t know I am kind of an emotional, passionate person). And as I shared I began to realize how much I still view my body and my life as my own. I just got a tattoo that says my life is not my own, and here I was making a huge deal out of this tattoo because it wasn’t how I wanted! Did I really believe what I had just gotten on my feet? In that moment I decided that I would pray to God to either move the “s” over to the left or make me love it the way it was. And that did bring me peace. To celebrate our new tattoos Tiff and I went to Mexican with Leigh. It was a delight! That night Becky prayed for me and spoke the words: “if this tattoo is going to do more for your kingdom with the s where it is then leave it. If not, then move it.” Honestly, those words brought me perspective once more: this tattoo is meant to be a reminder to me of why I am living and a way to tell others about what God has done in my life. It’s about Him, for Him. However He wants it, it will be.

p.s. “Whoever loses their life for my sake will find it” is found in Matthew 16:25….and I believe Luke 9:24