Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours
My whole life
I place in your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne
I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where you are
In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high
– Came to My Rescue, Hillsong
A few days ago during our morning squad worship session we sang this song and for some reason I started crying. Just a little earlier that morning I had received an encouragement/edification/prophecy note that just broke me. The first line of the note was “Jump. Seriously…dive in. What are you waiting for?” Well, naturally, I freaked out (on the inside) and for the first few minutes of worship all I think was “Dive into what? Jump into what? I know that I am still searching for worth in other places and not You. I want my identity, my worth to be with You. I want to experience, to know, to feel, to believe the depth of your love. I want to dive in, what is it you want me to dive into?” And when the above song started I all of sudden found myself crying and saying “God, what do you want from me?”
“Your heart.”
My heart? Seriously? That is what all of this is about? I was expecting to hear God say “You are supposed to be stepping out in your gifts. That’s what I want.” I honestly thought that I must have heard God wrong. Last month in Romania people kept telling me how awesome it was to see me stepping up, to see how I have grown, to see God working in me. It was encouraging and exciting, but I also began to put a lot of pressure on myself. Any time we did ministry or had worship or any squad meeting this past month I felt that if I didn’t say something profound, share my thoughts, volunteer for something, then I wasn’t living up to my potential. I felt that I was letting down the squad, myself, the leaders, and God. And I think that I finally just broke down when I was given the note. I just couldn’t do it any longer.
When God told me all He wanted was my heart, for me to jump into Him, dive into our relationship, I literally felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I didn’t even realize until that breaking moment that I had put all this pressure on myself. I even thought I had been doing pretty good- I was believing that God loved me, that I was gifted, that God wants to use me. Those were things I had trouble believing the first month. I felt pretty good about myself, I mean look how far I had come! But, as it turns out, I still have crap to go through! After worship, just make sure I got the message, God gave me two encouraging conversations with my squad buddies. I realize now that I needed God to come and lift me up. I needed Him to rescue me from the pressure I was putting on myself. I needed to be with Him. I wanted to be with God and not worry about anything else. And that is where I am right now. What I want more then anything else right now is God.
