2 Corinthians 4:16-18

When I signed up for the World Race I knew that it could be a year of great change and transformation in me.  Of course the things that I see that need changing and transforming are not always the same things that God does.  Since probably the 4th night of Launch Training, back in Panajchel, Guatemala, I have cried more then I have in the past few years.  God is continually breaking me and building me up and at times it can be overwhelming.  But, despite all the emotions running rampant through me, I have felt stuck at times.  More then once in the past 1.5 months, for multiple days, I felt like nothing was happening and I began getting frustrated with the “how.”  How can I move forward?  How can I go onto the next step?  How can I do this?  Obviously, I must be doing something wrong if I am stuck.  If God is calling me to grow and be transformed, yet nothing seems to be happening, it must be my fault.  I must not be doing something I should be doing.  I haven’t felt like this the entire time, it comes in waves, like many other things in this life.  And it wasn’t until a teammate of mine was processing something and I was flipping through my journal for some encouraging verse to share, that God brought me to these verses: “Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal,” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.  I read this verse about 2 months ago, made note of it in my journal, and promptly forgot about it.  I think I had even underlined in my Bible.  But for some reason on that day I stopped on the May 1st journal entry.  And even though at the time I was convinced this verse was for my teammate, I realized shortly after that it was just as much, if not more, for me.  God was reminding me that despite what I am feeling, doing, thinking, He is still working in me and renewing my heart day by day.  I may feel stuck and frustrated but that doesn’t change that God is still moving.  If I focus so much on tangible, visible changes as a symbol for God is doing, I will actually miss what God is doing.  I need to stop focusing on the little things I do that seem a step backward and continue drawing near to Christ.  I also had to let go of the “how.”  There is no how for me.  I can’t do anything to move forward; how fast I go, how long it takes, where I end up, is all up to God.  Surprisingly (or maybe not surprisingly at all) giving up the “how” to God has been hard.  Daily I have to remind myself that there is nothing I can do, God is in control.  Hopefully I will continue to grow in this area while here in Nicaragua!