Dusty, bumpy roads. Stick houses held together with mud. Winding up the side of a mountain in a bus that didn’t seem like it was going to make it. A view of never ending mountains and dirt paths. The “Holy Spirit” rock that brought people closer to each other and closer to God – those “AHH HA!” moments of who He is and what He’s saying and doing. Incredibly bright stars with a few shooting stars. Being around 53 other people trying not to be overwhelmed by so many bodies (training camp all over again). All cramming into the small “living room” for worship and squad time. Sharing a bathroom with 26 girls and not having anything to separate the showers and toilets and not being able to hold it until someone was done showering. A 24 hour prayer vigil. A 24 hour worship vigil. Learning and growing about Christ together and who He is to each of us. Children running around all over the place. Not being able to go anywhere without one of them asking “Who ees yo buddee?”, “Please go get ____ for me”, “Where is ____?”. This was Swaziland.
It was quite an adventure. Swaziland was all squad month, meaning 54 of us working together at one ministry, and we were working at El Shaddai orphanage. We each had a ministry every week that would help the aunties with chores around the place. We also were assigned a buddy. Someone who we would spend our afternoons with hanging out with them and doing whatever they wanted or whatever we felt led to do. My buddy was an 8 year old boy named Sakhile.
At first I didn’t think he liked me because he never talked or said anything to me and was always running off. But then I started talking to others about their buddy’s and they had it way worse. Plus if anyone ever had their computer out, all the kids would go to them and forget their buddy. They all wanted “to watch” and not miss out on watching a movie. It got to the point where we had to only watch movies on Fridays because nobody was getting time with their buddy. He loved “relaxing” in my hammock and was totally fine playing go fish for two hours. He would always tell the other kids, so excitedly, that he was relaxing and just swing in my hammock. He loved taking videos and pictures on my camera. He actually got some really cool pics and some that were a little weird. Like a minute long video of a squad mate walking while he zoomed in and out on their face or feet. Videos that I probably will never delete because they make me laugh
I thought I had prepared my heart for going into this month. I knew I was going to leave. I knew my kid probably wouldn’t open up to me because they have so many buddies coming through. I was prepared to just be there for someone to hang out with, speak life into and to let Gods’ love shine through me. I told myself I wouldn’t fall in love or get too attached to him. I was doing so great! But then we would have nights where the squad did something and the children came and they would fall asleep and we would end up carrying them to their house. Those were the hard moments. Wanting to go inside their house and tuck him into bed, kiss him good night and tell him I loved him. Only being allowed to carry him to the house and tell him God loves him was so hard. We were told at training camp to not tell orphans “I love you” because if everyone who came in to serve and volunteer told the kids “I love you” they start associating “I love you” with abandonment. Instead we were told to tell them “God loves you”. So on those nights when I wanted to forget the rule of not going into the children’s house, forget the rule of not telling him “I love you” I had to take a moment and be reminded that there’s nothing I can do for this child except show him the love of Christ.
After a month of hanging out with him, playing cards, taking pictures and videos, watching movies, silently enjoying each others company in my hammock, giving him as much love as I could and telling him all the time that he was loved, it came time to leave. The morning we left, a lot of the squad was hanging out with their buddy who were helping them carry bags and things up the hill to where we would get picked up. And then there was my buddy. Just standing there with a group of kids and not responding to anything I was saying, basically ignoring me. I wasn’t hurt. I figured it was his way of distancing himself from me so he wouldn’t have to say goodbye. The whole morning was like this. The buses arrived and he was running around ignoring me. Then something happened.
The orphanage has quite a few dogs and one of them, a male yorkie, loves to bite the kids. All of the kids are afraid of him and run every time they see it. Even though it’s a tiny little dog and they could easy kick it away or shoo it away with a stick, they are still scared. Earlier in the month during buddy time, the dog attacked my buddy and left him with a sizable chunk of skin hanging off his foot. It’s traumatizing really. So on the day we’re leaving, as Sakhile is ignoring me and running around, I then see a teammate comforting him. I go over to see if he’s ok and the stupid dog had attacked him again. Unlike last time, Sakhile can’t stop crying. I sat down in the dirt, put him in my lap and held him. He was traumatized, again. Scared. And like so many times before, someone who had come in and loved him was leaving him. In that moment my heart shattered into a million little pieces and I began weeping. I started praying over him. I knew that I needed to be so intentional and that this prayer held a lot of power because it was coming out of a place of total brokenness and surrender. Surrendering this child, who I had fallen in love with despite all my best efforts, to God. After all, Sahkile is really God’s child and son. I was simply there the be a vessel for God to love him through me.
No matter how much I thought I had prepared myself. Told myself not to fall in love, it was inevitable. When we love others with a Christ like love and allow His love to pour out of us, it’s impossible not to fall in love with His children. It’s impossible for our hearts not to break for the things that break His.
