With month one officially over, my squad has moved on to La Paz, Bolivia, where we’re spending a few days in a hostel having debrief. It’s a time to unload, recharge, and dive deeper into community before beginning our second month of ministry.
Vulnerability is a word you hear a lot when preparing for and while on the Race. Before this past month, I thought I was very open with my struggles, both past and present. As it turns out, I’m only open with the things that I want to be open with. For me, everything was fine and dandy the first two weeks. But then life starts getting real and it isn’t easy to be excited to put on the same outfit for the 3rd time that week and eat PB&J for lunch for the 5th time that week, and at the end of the day, you find yourself tired of opening up about your struggles and your past. You just don’t want to do it. Or at least, I didn’t. It’s easy to skim the surface of your past. It’s hard to dig down deep.
In college, I struggled…a lot. I did a ton of things I’m not proud of, but I have come to peace with that. God has done amazing things in my heart and has radically transformed my life in a short year and a half. I have no problem talking about those four years because I have repented, I have changed, and I have moved on. Or have I?
The problem with sin struggles is that they usually don’t go away very quickly or easily. So many times I have said this about my testimony: “This is my background. This is the dark hole I fell down. This is where God transformed me. And now I’m cured. Praise Him! The end.” But life doesn’t work that way. It’s messy and it’s hard and I’ve had a lot of days in the last year and a half where I’ve screwed up big time. And I don’t want to talk about that. I don’t want to be vulnerable with those times. I hate that I still struggle. I hate that I can’t just get it right. I hate that there isn’t a one-and-done fix-all solution. I hate it. So I keep it buried down deep and I don’t talk about it. Ever.
Friday night was our first night of debrief on the race. Erin, our squad mentor spoke about living in vulnerable community this next year. She talked about the power that Satan has over our life when we keep things bottled up and she talked about the freedom that comes in Christ from being vulnerable with the people we are living in community with. My first thought? “Crap.” Then I started debating with the Holy Spirit. “I know you want me to do this. Do I have to, though? I mean, I’ve been open…kinda. Are you sure you want me to do this? Just please don’t make me go first. How honest do I have to be? What’s the actual benefit of doing this?” So there I was, protesting silently, all the while knowing that I was going to end up saying something because there the Holy Spirit was, just overpowering my own desires.
So I spoke. I was shaking and sweating (even though the room was 50 degrees) and at times I couldn’t even look people in the eye so I ended up staring at the floor.
People talk about how liberating it is to take back the power that Satan has over you when you keep struggles hidden. They talk about how freeing it is to have nothing that anyone can hold against you. I don’t know what I was expecting to feel afterwards. First I was nervous. Then once my heart rate slowed to a normal pace, I started to feel peace. Then freedom. And then later that night and even the next day, as people came up to me and told me they were glad I shared or that they were in a similar situation or that I had been an encouragement to them, I really started to understand the importance of living in a Christ-like community. It is hard. Secrets have a way of making you feel safe. But when it comes down to it, being safe isn’t Christ honoring and it ends up doing more harm than good.
A few days ago, I was harboring a secret that I thought no one could relate to or love me through. Today, 38 squad mates, 3 squad leaders, 1 squad mentor, 2 squad coaches, and 3 bartenders working at a Bolivian hostel know that secret. I feel free. Vulnerability is such a blessing.
“There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain.”
