Re-entry was nothing like I expected. I was told it would be normal to have a meltdown in the shampoo isle because there were too many choices. I was told I would probably find myself angry at my friends and family for not understanding what I just went through. I was warned against hiding in a dark room wanting to watch Netflix all day long.
None of those things happened to me.
Instead, I found myself scared out of my mind to ride in a car that went over 40 mph, I found myself not caring at all what I was eating for breakfast, lunch, or dinner (which, if you know me, is something that has NEVER happened), I found myself unable to answer all those questions that I had actually practiced answering, and I found myself very numb.
Numb to the fact that my family of 37 were now scattered throughout the country. Numb to the fact that I was in America, land of paved roads and the wonderful language that is English. Numb about my plans for the future. Numb in my feelings towards the Lord. Numb about being a light to my friends and family and random strangers I didn’t know. Just plain numb. I was a walking, talking robot. Experiencing and catching up and going places and not feeling a darn thing.
Insert Project Searchlight.
Originally, I had absolutely no plans to come to PSL. In September, I’ll be starting a 6 month leadership program called the Fellowship (more about that here), and for some dumb reason, I told myself the Fellowship would be a longer drawn out process of what PSL is. It’s not, by the way. I also just didn’t want to spend the $55 dollars that it costs to come. I just finished the World Race. I have no income. It makes sense.
The only reasons why I finally decided to come were:
- I have really bad FOMO and didn’t like the thought of most of my squad mates having a giant love fest without me.
- Said squad mates told me to come. Repeatedly.
- One of our squad leaders promised to have a party at his parents house for all of us to attend during PSL.
Just for the record, the party happened. There was brisket, barbecue, and mac and cheese. It was really awesome.
So now I’m here, and Searchlight is almost over. I showed up the first day feeling a little weird but excited to see my squad mates. I started listening to the speakers with my guard up, thinking they were just going to shove a bunch of AIM propaganda in my face and try to create an atmosphere of emotions without any long term effect. First slowly, and then all at once, my walls began to crumble.
All I have experienced this week are encounters with the Lord, encouragement about following His will for my life, prophecies about my future, physical healing in my lower back, freedom in worship, practical skills in setting goals, making my jumbled dreams a reality, peace about this next season of life, and a renewed excitement to be bold. Seeing my squad mates has also been really awesome, and the food is good too. My $55 dollars were well spent.
Something I’ve learned this year and even this week is that the World Race doesn’t hold some magical key to being on a consistent emotional high with God and unlocking your desire for Him. The Race didn’t make me grow closer with God. In itself, Project Searchlight hasn’t made me come alive. Only God has.
I could have gone the entire Race taking pictures of kids and sunsets and eating duck embryos and bungee jumping off bridges and completely missed the Lord. I could have made awesome friends and laughed till it hurt but not have learned anything worth value from my squad mates. I could have participated in worship on the beach and at campgrounds and in the Zimbabwe airport and never actually put my heart and soul into what I was singing. I can go my entire life in a Christian community, with a nice Christian church, and a nice little Christian ministry and completely miss the entire point and shut God out from truly speaking to and using me.
Something that the World Race, Project Searchlight, and Adventures in Missions does well as a whole is being intentional about letting God speak, move, and work. They know that a program, a trip, a worship session, a community, or a speaker is not going to change lives. But allowing God to move and speak through those things will change lives, and they want to foster an environment in which God is always speaking.
This week has made me realize that is exactly what I want to do, too. I want to foster an environment in which God is always speaking. I want to hear Him and obey. I want Him to guide me, to encourage me, to rebuke me, and I want to know His love for me in every way possible. I refuse to stifle God working in my life and using me. I refuse to hear Him pushing me in a direction and turn my back on following. I refuse to go back to where I was before the World Race.
I refuse to be a mediocre Christian.
