I can no longer say that this “abroad, nomadic, volunteer” regime is new anymore. It’s the start of month 7 & it has become my norm. However, it’s easy to forget it won’t always be this way. Here’s a reality check, I will eventually fly home and live [once again] in the States…
I often wonder what that will look like. Have I changed? Will I be different? Do I want to be different?
Here’s the thing. Regardless if I feel different, I am. I have met too many beautiful people on this journey to ever be the same. For they have marked my heart. I have been to too many places to ever see life the same. For they too have made a special mark. It’s inevitable- the world I live in is different than it was before [it’s better].
Yet I prayed something big before the race- & that was to hold onto my core. I was afraid of becoming someone I wouldn’t recognize anymore. Am I to blame? Change is frightening. I’ve been holding onto this fear for a while. The fear of losing who I am. I was soaking in this [like a nice hot bath] & truthfully; I was getting good at it.
***
Last month, I was in Phang Nga, Thailand. It was lovely. I met people and saw places that made those marks I was talking about. I’ve been continually blessed on this journey & it is so easy to see that.
My team was given a pretty cool opportunity the last night. Our host family bought us Thai lanterns to light up into the sky. They made it more than that though. They presented the idea of making this memory significant- to not only let go of the lantern but to [just maybe] let go of what has been weighing us down. So, there I was- praying before our Creator holding a lit lantern, knowing exactly what I needed to let go of. [it felt heavy]
There is something humbling about watching a lantern fly into the dark sky. You feel as if you could fly away with it. But as I watched my “weight” slowly leave this world, I stood below in freedom.
***
Let’s rewind back to my first thought. I’ve been afraid to lose who I am. But here is yet again another reality check [man do I need these]- I’m still me; I’m just attempting [fail often] to become a better me. And if anything, I’m finding way to what is actually at my core.
The more one gives up, the more one gains.
The more I give up, the more I recognize myself.
