I’ve been doubting a lot lately.
You might as well start calling me Thomas.
I doubt myself mostly; I doubt in my ability to raise the money, I doubt in my ability to make a difference, I doubt in my ability to commit and I doubt whether or not this is the calling I am meant to follow.
I am not a World Racer. I am not a missionary. I am Hannah.
I wait tables and I hate going to the gym. I binge-watch Criminal Minds and I tutor kids in math and reading comprehension and I drown my ever-present battle with anxiety in bowls of Pho and I still wish every single day that I could run away to the Ocean and never look back. I spend too much time frowning at work, and not nearly enough time laughing at the days to come, like the proper Proverbs 31 woman is supposed to do.
I really love Kevin Bacon movies and playing Jenga and I can shoot whiskey better than most girls I’ve come across in my life, and I’m overly proud of that. I was raised to be sarcastic and bold and I do love Jesus with all my heart, but I still cuss a little.
I don’t trust people easily, and I have really strange intimacy hang-ups, like the fact that mouths gross me out and I hate, hate, hate it when people touch my nose.
I hate flying and I’ve chosen to spend eleven months of my life constantly traveling to faraway countries that require super long flights. I will be spending so much of my life in airports, and it didn’t even dawn on me until a few days ago that any one of these airports may very well be the next target for a terrorist attack. My heart skips a beat and I begin to waver. I am not a brave person.
“What’s coming will come, and we’ll meet it when it does.”- Hagrid.
This grin-and-bear-it outlook is typical of how I live my life, because I rarely choose joy, even though I should actively pursue it every single day.
Not to mention, if we’re going to be honest- really brutally, truly honest- I’m still a little mad that following this call means I have to give up studying sharks for now. I don’t consider myself a selfish person, although I’m sure that no real selfish person does. Still, sharks were my one ‘thing’ that I loved more than almost anything else, and I still find my heart constantly yearning after that life. I didn’t know it was possible to love something so much until you are asked to give it up completely- and yes, even though you are all shaking your heads at me right now because, “Boo-hoo, Hannah, you have to go travel for a year, you poor, poor thing- GET A GRIP!” that doesn’t change the fact that the pain is real. There is still a sense of loss, one that I didn’t expect, and I’m still trying to figure out how to cope with it.
But you’re right- I should be overjoyed right now, ecstatic at the thrill of adventure lurking just around the corner, beyond excited that God has chosen me to do this great, big, awesome thing and feeling blessed beyond measure that I am going to see these places and experience these things all for the furthering of His kingdom.
I look around at my funny, lovely, sweet, unique teammates and their joy should be contagious, but I can’t seem to escape this foggy state of doubt that surrounds me constantly, causing me to question everything that God has so clearly put in front of me.
And then weeks like this one happen- weeks where I am blessed with almost $1,000 in unforeseen donations, and blessed with gifts and items for my trip so I have a few less things to buy at REI, and suddenly it all doesn’t seem so impossible anymore. I am so continuously humbled by the love that continues to pour out on me from those lives around me and I realize that yes, it is possible for me to take that love and pour the same love out on the lives of all that I come across, all over the world, no matter what the dangers or hardships are. Because that is what God has called me to do, and He is the true strength of my heart, nothing else.
I am still full of doubt, yes, because I am human, and sin is a real, real part of life.
Lucky for me, I serve a God who is much bigger than my doubt, and whose mercy is as unending as the deepest sea that I love so very much. The deepest sea that is teeming full of beautiful sharks that He will still lead me to, even though He’s taking me on a minor detour first.
To all of you who have blessed me with financial or material gifts this week, donations for funding, donated items for my trip, I am so extremely grateful. Thank you for your continued support, and your prayers.
Today marks exactly 6 months until launch.
“He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane; I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of
His wind and mercy.”
-John Mark McMillan
