“How is your heart?”
How is my heart? The question hangs in the air, and I feel a painful prick somewhere in my chest cavity.
“Have you fully begun to enter this process of abandonment and dependence?”
Have I fully begun?
The Race is a vast ocean. It’s a sea of confusion, victory, heartbreak, thrill, intense joy, mundane lows, violent upheaval and threatening loss.
I have been swimming in this ocean every day for the last 265 days, and let me tell you something about how my heart is doing: it’s exhausted.
Last month, in Argentina, I really hit a wall with this whole idea of abandonment.
From day one at training camp, future Racers are told that they must enter into the process of abandonment: leaving every familiar thing and comfort of home behind you as you take a big, bold step into this brave, new world, trusting that the Lord will be the only thing you need; He will comfort you, sustain you, provide for you, and you are to take His comfort, His sustenance, His provision OUT INTO THE WORLD to make a difference.
Abandon first, and then the Lord will show up and blow your mind. Initiate first, and then He will respond.
Listen: if there is one thing I have learned on my Race over the past 9 months, it’s that no matter how tightly you hold on to something, or how loosely you hold onto something, if it’s God’s will, He will take it away from you regardless.
My squad has been at this thing for 9 months now. Personally, yes, I have had to give up some really monumental things to stay here in this place of so-called abandonment: I have given up my family, my career path, my best friend’s wedding just to name a few, and some of my squad-mates have given up SO MUCH MORE than that. So, yes, I would really like to consider myself and my tribe very familiar with the meaning of the word abandonment.
Also, in a moment of vulnerability- yes, I have hated it. I still do hate that I have had to sacrifice people that I love for this Race. It has been terrible, exhausting, and horrible. Honestly.
I refuse to sugar coat this and try to sell the Race as some big, sexy, glamorous adventure-with-a-side-of-ministry, “If you follow the Lord and abandon your entire life, everything is gonna work out a-ok because at least you got to hike a mountain in Nepal and cage dive in South Africa!” Those memories are wonderful but in all transparency? There’s a heavy cost attached to those experiences.
What I’m about to say is for everyone on the Race, everyone that has been on the Race, everyone that is about to go on the Race, and everyone who will never have anything to do with the Race, it’s for everyone… so listen close:
Abandonment is really just another word for obedience, and obedience is not solely restricted to World Racers.
Obedience sometimes requires leaving everything comfortable behind you to discover what the Lord has waiting in front of you.
Listen, God sometimes calls you to sacrifice the things in life that are most important to you and you know what else? It’s okay that it sucks. He never said it wouldn’t suck. But you still have to do what He calls you to do.
Yes, you will get tired of everyone asking you, “How are you listening to Him? What is He trying to teach you? How can you do this thing better?” Because sometimes, what you’re giving is all you physically can give- and that’s okay, too.
Last month, I told my leadership the following in an answer to routine questions they send us to help us process through the chaos of our daily lives, “I’m tired of being asked this question. I am clearly listening to Him because I have given up EVERYTHING to be here, even though I have wanted to walk out on this Race for the last 5 months. I’m clearly learning from Him because two years ago, one year ago? I WOULD HAVE WALKED AWAY. He’s teaching me and I’m learning and I just need that to be enough, right now.
I’m still here. Because here is where God has me, and I trust Him. Trusting the Lord is the biggest thing I have learned this year, and if that’s the only thing I walk away from this Race with, then that’s enough. That’s all that matters.”
A few days later, when one of my squad leaders pulled me aside, I thought for sure she was going to tell me I shouldn’t have been so brash with my response, but instead she hugged me and said “Your answers last week were so powerful. You should write a blog about them. People need to hear these thoughts.”
So, shout-out to my home-girl, you know who you are. <3
I want you to hear me on this: It has not all been bad, either.
I have met some life-changing people, and I have had overwhelmingly beautiful experiences that I wouldn’t have had any other way. I’ve learned, and I’ve been broken, I’ve changed, I’ve grown, and all of that is good. Really good. I was meant to come on this Race. Truly. I don’t doubt that for a minute.
But I keep wrestling with this whole abandonment-as-an-initiation concept because whether or not we make the conscious decision to abandon things, God will still take things away from us. It’s not up to us. We are not in control, we never are, and He will only do what is best for us. 100% of the time, He will do what is best for us even if we don’t have the eyes to see it as good.
Oh, but yes, it’s hard, because what is best for us is not always made clear to us. He knew it would be hard, and that is okay. Our responsibility is to respond to what He brings us with gratefulness and thanksgiving and rejoicing.
I promise you, what I’ve learned especially over the past three months, is that gratitude is the pathway to direct communion with God.
Have I always been good at thanksgiving and rejoicing? Who am I kidding? Of course not. Am I feeling convicted by that? Intensely. Have I made a conscious effort to change? Absolutely.
Sometimes, the journey is about resting where you are and just allowing God to do what seems best to Him, because He’s God. It’s as simple as that.
“God, what you’ve brought me to is hard, and I don’t understand, and I know that you know that I don’t understand. But you’re still good, and I’m still going to walk in obedience to you, because I trust you. Even though you bring me to things that sometimes hurt, you’re still good, and you’ll bring me through those painful things, too.”
Sometimes, that’s enough. It has to be enough.
At the end of the day, the word doesn’t really matter. If you want to call it abandonment, or obedience, or whatever else, that’s up to you. What matters is that we understand that we don’t always make the first move. It’s not always about our initiations, but 100% of the time it is about our responses.
So, how are you going to respond to what He’s asking of you, today?
