Honestly, right now, I’m really struggling to force myself to type these words out.
I must confess to you that I have been running away from saying goodbye to Nepal.
I also must apologize because I know that I did a poor job of sharing just why I loved this country so much with you all. Here I am, wishy-washy and nostalgic, about to write a very emotional summary of all the things that meant the world to me about the last month, like I’m expecting you to understand. But how can you? I never really went into great detail about the dizzying highs and the terrifying lows that I experienced in the most breath-taking place I’ve ever seen. How can you understand the depth of love that I truly feel for my Nepali family, when I never really told you much about them, other than that they’re wonderful and they made me laugh? How can you understand the tangible, unforgettable moments in which I truly felt the presence of the living God coursing through my body, when I never explained the surroundings in which those moments happened?
If I can be transparent for a moment, I wanted to keep it to myself. I wanted to keep the entire month to myself. It was so beautiful, unexpected, rare and life-changing that I just wanted to keep it in its perfect little box of cherished memories forever; memories that only meant something to me. Memories that only I could bask in, when I needed to run away from the drudgeries of life.
For some reason, this post feels like it marks the true finality of leaving Nepal and I have never been good at leaving people that I love behind.
This post took me a really long time to face, because writing it meant saying goodbye.
Saying goodbye meant coming to terms with the sad realization that I most likely will never see this place again.
Realizing that I most likely will never see this place again has made me question God more than I would like to admit.
Questioning God is forcing me into a deeper trust of His providence, though, which is absolutely necessary for me in my life, and I promise that even though I’m wrestling, I’m still growing.
Please keep continuing to pray for me as I learn to navigate the waters of having my heart broken and re-broken every 30 days or so. I was not prepared for this journey, emotionally, and I don’t want to live in fear of the heartbreak. I don’t want to hold back from my new countries and new ministries in an effort to protect myself, and my heart, like I’ve always done.
I want to continue to walk forward, and embrace the beauty in the shattered pieces, because you never truly appreciate how beautiful something is until it breaks. That’s what I’m hungering for this year, even though it seems so backwards and foreign to me because for my entire life, I’ve fought against letting other people touch my heart so deeply that they have the capacity to wound me.
A quote from one of my favorite books says, “It’s okay to have a broken heart. It means you have tried for something.”
So, without any further rambling, here’s my 50 (100) things that made me feel so unbelievably alive in Nepal. There were so many, I couldn’t narrow them down to just 50. I’m sorry for the length, but then again, I’m really not sorry at all.
Thanks for reading. <3
1.) The joy it brought to live in a clementine colored room inside a lilac colored house for a month.
2.) The feeling of flying over the Himalayas twice- especially the Annapurna range, and how the sight of seeing the peak of Mt. Everest completely changed my life. As soon as I laid eyes on the world’s highest peak, my new desire was to see the lowest point on earth with my own eyes. I’m praying that someday I will see the bottom of the Marianas Trench, too.
3.) The unforgettable sights and sounds of Thamel at night. It’s a backpacker’s paradise.
4.) Eating falafel wraps with my Sisters like they were going out of style.
5.) The sight of the rainbow triangle flags hung low over countless city streets, because they truly made everything so much more beautiful, and watching them dance in the wind makes your heart sing.
6.) How exciting it was to stay in my first hostel, ever, and laughing to myself because 17 year-old me would have died over the fact that it was a yoga hostel with free classes every morning.
7.) The unforgettable artwork and wall murals that were everywhere in the district of Thamel.
8.) Having the freedom again to walk around by one’s self during the day, because it was safe.
9.) Exploring Kathmandu our first weekend there, during a debrief, with good friends from my squad via the back of a taxi cab with the world’s sweetest taxi driver.
10.) The way it felt to conquer a deep fear by confronting 1,000 monkeys face-to-face at the Swoyambhu monkey temple.
11.) Drinking juice straight from a coconut with Beege and Ali while overlooking the entire city.
12.) The graceful way Tibetan prayer flags contrast so brilliantly the clear blue sky. It’s unforgettable.
13.) The countless trucks, buses and taxis that blared in painted letters from their bumpers, “No Time For Love!”
14.) Dancing with my squad fam.
15.) First time one-on-ones on city sidewalks, at night, while watching the hustle and bustle and the way it feels to share your heart with someone and have it received and subsequently protected.
16.) The innumerable fields of flowers that caress every mountain and hillside, which is impressive, because there’s a lot of hillsides and mountains in Nepal.
17.) The brilliantly clear, but freezing, walk under the starry night sky to and from dinner at Papa’s house every single night.
18.) An entire month’s worth of heart-warming, genuine family dinners with nightly devotions, prayer time, family discussions, dance parties and photo albums.
19.) Spending intentional time with my Sisters, hiking to the highest points in the city, to pray over the hearts and souls of all the many people living in Kathmandu, because never before have I seen such a culture of seekers before. They are seeking so deeply, and the Holy Spirit has so much work He wants to do in their hearts. It was a gift and an honor to pray for their hearts to seek His face, directly.
20.) Seeing the city from a variety of different transportation modes. It was beautiful from every angle.
21.) The pride I felt in scoring 2 of 5 team goals during the funnest “futsal” match I’ve ever played. Technically, it’s the only futsal match I’ve ever played, but it’s basically soccer on a smaller pitch and I never used to be good at soccer, even though I love it, so that was very exciting for me.
22.) Every single time we listened to a Colors band live performance, and how it truly felt like I was living out my dreams by doing that.
23.) Freezing cold showers and boiling hot showers, and the freedom to choose which.
24.) Yoga stretches, pre 6:30 AM, on the roof of our purple palace as a way to start off the day.
25.) Listening to Papa play his beautiful Sarangi until he cries, overcome with emotion, because he was always, ALWAYS worshipping the Lord. 100% of the time.
26.) Being taught how to dance traditional Nepali dance moves during the middle of a church service, and then being expected to perform them in front of everyone, moments later.
27.) Preaching God’s word from a pulpit, in front of congregations that live in a culture that is starkly contrasted to our own, in a vastly foreign country, to churches that are pastored, fed and led by strong, faithful, CHOSEN WOMEN OF GOD. Girl power is a real, God-given gift. All over the world.
28.) The hillsides that were dotted with massive Poinsettia trees, and how it looked to behold a sea of red and green.
29.) Seeing remnants of terrible earthquake rubble and being reminded of how amazing it is that humanity is resilient enough to overcome such pain and struggle in order to rebuild.
30.) Praising and worshipping God in Nepalese churches. They truly have the most lovely of songs and shouts of true gratitude for how God has cared for them, and it is convicting to observe.
31.) Learning from my Sisters as they, too, consistently preached God’s word to countless churches throughout the month.
32.) Watching Gresom’s face as he perused my massive, tattered study bible from my bible college days, and the firmness with which he told me, “This is your shield. This is the only way.” I miss you, brother!
33.) Opening cards on Thanksgiving day, on the 7am bus we took to Pokhara. They were beautiful, but they did make me a little homesick. I was sitting next to Gresom and he asked me, “Everything okay?” after I put them away. I nodded, but didn’t say anything. With a small smile, he said in a quiet voice, “God will bless you.” That comforted my heart so much.
34.) The way it felt to be prayed over consistently by so many congregations, and feeling the Holy Spirit flood over us with protection and love.
35.) Hiking 10 miles over a 1,000 ft elevation gain in one day and legitimately having God carry us up the mountain. Oh how beautiful it was to praise His holy name for how jaw-dropping his creation truly is.
36.) Singing 80’s rock songs with Gresom and Simon as we hiked that day.
37.) Pouring milk curd into Simon’s cup when one pastor’s wife wasn’t looking, because it is unacceptable to leave anything unfinished on one’s plate or in one’s cup in Nepalese culture. Sometimes you just can’t drink unpasteurized dairy, though, and so you pour that stuff straight into your new little brother’s cup and he just laughs and drinks it for you without question, because he definitely has your back. #siblinghoodforlife
38.) How insanely beautiful I felt, putting on the traditional Nepali dress for the very first time.
39.) Dancing with our new sisters Rezma and Richa in a random bar in Thamel during a Colors’ band performance.
40.) How grateful I am for Simon letting me prop my feet on his knees during cramped microbus trips that were hours long, and for his willingness to always share earbuds with me during the same microbus trips. Music is the best way to spend quality time with other people.
41.) That being said, traveling by microbus was one of my favorite things to do in Nepal.
42.) The powerful experience of praying for demon-possessed villagers, and feeling the Holy Spirit flow through my body during that church service.
43.) Marigolds.
44.) Watching my team love each other and care for each other through an insane month of desperate sickness.
45.) Giving Amish and Simon sideshaves on the night before Thanksgiving, and letting Gresom trim mine, even though he’s never done it before. This was also terrifying, I’m not going to lie.
46.) Thanksgiving day. We got to have traditional dinner with half of our squad, we played around on a gorgeous lake in Pokhara on paddle boats, and we were coerced into getting onstage and singing Uptown Funk and I’m Yours (backed by a full band) in front of a crowd of people at a swanky restaurant in Pokhara during another of Gresom’s live performances.
47.) The 5 year old music student in Pokhara with amazing rhythm who played the literal crap out of a local drum instrument and how fun that was to watch.
48.) Sticking my feet in an ice-cold mountain river in the middle of Nepal.
49.) Origami butterflies on the ceiling of a very special church.
50.) Sancho! A cute pup who we thought was a stray, because he wandered all over town, and followed us around for days. He would wait for us outside our house, and he would howl with joy every time he saw us. We named him, and pretended he was ours. Turns out he belonged to the neighbor’s family the whole time.
51.) The breath-taking view from our roof at the purple palace.
52.) The way it feels to laugh with, snuggle on, and love chubby little Nepali babies.
53.) How sad it was, but also hilarious, to have Gresom sing “Leaving On a Jet Plane” to me on our last day of ministry before we left.
54.) Meeting a South American man named Eric and talking with him about Christ, coffee, and Colombia over breakfast, because he was a music student living in Nepal at the time.
55.) Wearing my shark shirt to ministry.
56.) When our new brothers would tease us about literally anything. Such joy.
57.) Listening to a gorgeous lady pastor who has overcome so much tribulation in her life, commend, uplift and encourage us woman-to-women, and cheering us on as a pastor to missionaries, and telling us with tears in her eyes that we blessed her by sharing God’s word at her church. I’ll never forget her face, or how it felt to hug her so tightly, even though we had only just met.
58.) Eating rice every single day (multiple times) and not gaining weight.
59.) Spending quality time with sweet Ruby, and her offering to dye my hair for me.
60.) So many spontaneous dance parties and the indescribable JOY that brought to us all.
61.) Being real and vulnerable and open with total strangers and telling them my story, and about my struggles with anxiety.
62.) Cooking and bonding and teasing with sweet Rezma, who is married to Gresom’s older brother. I love this woman. I miss her every single day. She is my sister.
63.) Snuggling the little girl I blogged about, who danced for us on our last ministry day.
64.) Sharing so many delicious meals with Nepali Christians. Traditionally, they eat a meal after every church service and drink copious amounts of tea. These are my people.
65.) Recognizing new friends on the street!
66.) Having sweet little Gresha teach us new hand-clap games during family dinner.
67.) Seeing mommy cry on our last day. She is a tender-hearted woman, but very fierce- with very thick skin. She doesn’t show emotion easily, but she must have loved us very much, because the tears were flowing freely down her face on our last morning and this made it almost impossible for me to leave. I learned so much from mommy during our trip, even though she doesn’t speak a word of English. I felt so close with her- she would often call me daughter, and tell me I was beautiful, and she asked me to stay many times. Many times. This is still on my heart, like a fresh paper cut.
68.) Learning about the Holy Spirit from papa- he has so much wisdom.
69.) The insane dance party they threw us on our last night, as we literally raged Nepali style to club music on the roof of our purple palace for hours.
70.) The growth that super feedback catapulted my team into. I love my sisters so very much, with such an intensity and a depth I never foresaw.
71.) Tea as a love language.
72.) Crossing the highway in Kathmandu, and the rush it was to NOT die every single time.
73.) The fact that I didn’t take a single anxiety pill the entire month.
74.) Sweet puppy snuggles.
75.) “Gospel” as an action verb, but also as a name for the family dog.
76.) Broken English interactions with mommy and papa.
77.) When mommy asked me to stay.
78.) Feeling God’s power through a 5.3 magnitude earthquake at 5:12AM one morning. Something I am thankful happened, but also that I never want to experience again.
79.) ALWAYS singing Fly Me To The Moon with Simon as we walked.
80.) Playing new card games with sweet, 10-year old Amish.
81.) Learning how to JuJu on That Beat during Jesse’s team time one night.
82.) Listening to Christmas songs and playing Pin the Tail on Rudolph for Beege’s team time one night. So fun.
83.) Being the only one on my entire team not to get a stomach bug of any kind all month long.
84.)Watching Hindi TV shows in bewilderment and laughing at them with the fan-bam at night, after dinner.
85.) Sharing my heart with loved ones back home, even though it was scary sometimes.
86.) Telling my Sisters the things I would normally only tell my best friend. Growth is important. So is trust.
87.) Crying on the bus because I love some people too much.
88.) Talking to mom one day over FaceTime until 4am her time, as she sat on the floor of the closet with the light on, whispering so as not to wake dad up, because she just missed me and wanted to talk. This blessed me so much, mom. I still haven’t forgotten it.
89.) Freaking out in the middle of an INSANELY touristy bat cave, because I’m afraid of small spaces, being underground, and large crowds and the combination of all three was about to make me pass out, so I ended up bailing after about 5 minutes. But hey, at least I tried in the first place!
90.) Feeling and watching my body literally transform into something so much stronger over the month.
91.) Making my new family laugh.
92.) Being able to replace my popped sleeping pad at an outdoor store in Kathmandu. This was a novelty I was not expecting.
93.) Watching God fulfill the slightest of dreams in my life, because He loves me that infinitely.
94.) This having been the MONTH of listening to Cold Coffee by Ed Sheeran on constant repeat.
95.) Being given such sweet parting gifts, as a memorial of our time there and the friendships we made that will last forever.
96.) The overwhelming, crippling grief of having to leave them behind.
97.) The fact that Auntie even cried at our goodbyes. I had no idea if she enjoyed having us stay in her home for the month or not- but she clearly also loved us very much and that meant the world, too.
98.) Eating buffalo meat. Also, the fact that everyone there just calls it Buff.
99.) Learning about the trafficking crisis, and the overwhelming hole it tore in my heart- I’m thankful for that hole, because it’s a new hole to pour countless prayers into. God will move on behalf of those innocent.
100.) I’ll never forget the way Nepali people respond to your direct questions of “where are we going?” or “Where is that located?” with the most vague response of, “There.”
